Autistic daughter - to ask what’s “in” for School uniforms, school bags, lunchboxes, drinks bottles

[Agn]

I have a daughter who is starting secondary school. She is bright & lovely and on the autistic spectrum. She likes to blend in. She has a history of emotionally based school avoidance. If her ducks are not all in a row, she is going to go to pieces. She might stop going to school or refuse to leave home, if things get off to a bad start. My usual strategies are to try and offset when she is becoming stressed and get her into school, whatever it takes.

She gets very uptight and tense about everything being perfect (as opposed to my sloppy ways) and I really want to get the things which fit in with the majority of teen girls.

In terms of school bags, what is the in thing? Ditto for school skirts, school shoes, lunch bags, water bottles etc. It is an ordinary secondary school and she will want to blend into the background.

The problem with this idea of brand chasing in the name of autism is that it misunderstands the nature of teen fashion. It’s fast moving and disposable.: what’s in today is out tomorrow. Teens cluster in tribes and what’s cool for one tribe is not for another. If she changes friends will you change all her stuff?

Attempting to buy her way to acceptance could end up costing a lot of money.

Our school is very strict on uniform. Tthey only thing they can choose themselves are shoes & bags which have to be black with no logos. The girls tend to wear large black faux leather handbags (lots of choice in New Look). They aren't practical compared to backpacks but it's all about fashion. Shoes vary between brogues, ballerina pumps and lace ups. DD has chosen brogues which has surprised me.

No one takes a coat, apparently it's something else to carry, they prefer umbrellas in the rain. I won't allow DD to take her Stanley, she can take her air up instead, less chance of leaks.

Just check hiw strict school are on shoes and bags. Ours don't allow shoes with names on, no trainers style, even the black leather style and they don't allow the large bags girls often have.

Lots of secondary use cards/thumbprint for buying vouchers but def another schools I've been in there numbers having packed lunch. Even if she prefers a packed lunch, maybe have one set up for her.

Our school offers wrap round school day incase anyone gets overwhelmed , so palatine and lunchtime there is an area, staffed, where kids can go.

It was very much tribal and your tribe was allocated based on your school bag at my school in the early 90s. You had either:
Jane Norman carrier bag
Those Puma Pleather ones with pastel colours
or you were a metalhead and had an Army Supply Store canvas backpack that you marker penned to death

No other real alternatives were ever present.

I get where you're at with this OP - my autistic youngest is starting this year and it's balancing wanting her to be herself, and not wanting to mark her out as a target. Mind you, her sister decided not to bother with pencil cases and just has blazer pockets rammed with all her worldly goods so she can ram her backpack with as much of the school library as she can get out of the building past the librarian at any one time!

You don’t understand as you have no experience of having a young daughter with my daughter’s needs and disability. You could have just gone about your business; instead you proclaimed your judgement in a way that came across as arrogant and unpleasant. Buying the branded stuff is the least of the pressure in my life.

I am very grateful to all the respondents above. This has really helped me considerably.

If my child needs something to get into school, then I will do whatever it takes to get her into school. And who said anything about acceptance? That was your assumption. The girl is hugely self conscious as part of her presentation. She wants to blend in. I will do whatever it takes to make sure she is comfortable and attends school and gets an education.

@DoNotScrapeMyDataBishes also points out about being a target potentially. Clearly I don’t want this either.

I find it a bit much when adults, who can move jobs and change their lives as they see fit, pontificate that children (who are stuck in a school on a full time basis for X number of years, have no autonomy and are subject to the whims of bullies and poorly executed school policies) should “not be a sheep” and basically suck things up, ignore the social pressures and demonstrate their own independence of mind like an adult would do. Autonomy is a privilege that comes with bring an adult; kids are forced to be subject to the whim of school society.

Is that how they manage the school skirts? I was a bit surprised at how short one of them was on the open night. It just about covered her. The staff at my old school would have gone off their rocker. Thank you. I will look for cycling shorts!! I would never have thought of this.

Do they? I thought most of them looked fine. I certainly would not have looked twice at most when visiting state schools and I went to a very strict school a thousand years ago.

Thank you! Good thinking. That might be a very useful strategy!

I think I will buy something low key and cheap and do emergency shopping as she finds her feet.

DD has not even thought about these matters yet but I can foresee this one coming like a freight train. I can envisage her just being put off by some small thing where she feels publicly shown up, and then anxiety issues beginning to snowball.

Won’t they need to wear trainers if they are doing PE?

I think she internally will be policing what she is wearing and how she presents.

This past year there has been very highly strung moments. I have learned to be on top of all her washing and have a range of items and to be mega calm and calming myself, when she starts to go up the wall in the morning and say she cannot go to school. Some tiny event like accidentally dropping something on the floor, or a small difference in routine, can quickly result in a spiralling panic.

Me too, haha! Thought maybe they were wearing it under the hi-vis.

Here it’s Longchamp le pilage bags that are in,

£120 for a school bag? And how long before it becomes the “wrong” brand?

It depends where you live! Where I’m from originally the kids are pretty smart but where I live now they’re really not.

I think this is lovely. Go op!
Nothing wrong with sheep- fitting in matters at secondary. Don't forget the Nike socks white preferably but black will do.

Have you only just arrived on the planet? 😁

I was at school early 90s and getting bullied for sticking out had already been a thing years, whether NT or ND!

Whatever it takes?

£120 for a Longchamp bag, £150 for DMs/Adidas Originals/Coach loafers, £75 for Converse, £££ for Belstaff/Canada Goose/Moncler jacket?

Blending in is ultimately about acceptance.

Anything nike and black you can't go wrong

I understand where you’re coming from OP but it’s rather naive.

Is there a local Facebook page you could ask?
my one of my neices wears black converse or dr martens, with black skirt from new look or black leggings and a black hoody over her shirt and tie. (Shirt from new look)
the other wears the same but with black Nike air force ones.
I always think their skirts are too short! But all the girls seem to do this and they wear black tights with their skirts. They have those tube type skirts that are fitted and I think they just roll them up after they leav the house!
the older one soemtines wears black flares (but soft material like leggings)

Oh and soemtimes a black cardigan that is oversized

Oh and they don’t particularly wear weather appropriate clothes. So winter past they didn’t like jackets?!!
mans aoemtiems in summer they wore big oversized fleece?

they don’t make make sense to me lol