Husband didn't tell me

[northchesterforest]

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

This is going to be one of those situations where the OP has put up with 15 years of the same shit, ignores all the advice to change and expect better for herself, and brings a baby into it. Unfortunately some people are conditioned so much it’s all they know.

You need to find your anger towards him. But you won’t.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Yep, it's all his best friend's fault 🙄

"They are all childish and irresponsible idiots"

That includes your DH

And then next year will post

"We've just had our miracle baby after years of TTC and DH is saying he's going away on a stag do with his druggie mates for a week - can I trust him?"

And so the cycle goes....

Got to make it all about him, hasn't he?

He's lying. Whatever it is that he's actually trying to cover up, no idea. But he's taken your success, your achievement and turned it around so that you're upset and scared for him, rather than feeling good about yourself.

You can do better than this. He knows it and that's why he's done this - so that he distracts you away from your success.

Agree that includes DH - he is the number one idiot and is responsible for himself. But also angry at his friends

I promise I won't ignore this advice
It's just a lot to take in as this has all come to light today

100%!!
It’s sadly predictable.

Agree with this. It’s a cover. If he’d actually had a fit he wouldn’t be embarrassed he’d be worried and speaking to his GP.

TBH the coke wouldn’t bother me if it was occasional (my DP does at such occasions, although he doesn’t drink) but it would make me question what else was going on. According to DP most of them will be up to no good on a stag of this sort but of course the majority don’t fess up (he did when he was with his ex. Note ex now!)

OP your husband is the childish irresponsible idiot. He’s taken drugs and gotten mortal drunk abroad, supposedly had a seizure, and then drove for 3 hours home without having had medical attention. What if he’d crashed the car and killed another family, of actually innocent people? Totally unforgivable. For me that’s worse than the drugs themselves to be honest. He has put other lives at risk. Do not have a baby with this man and if I was you I’d not be hanging around at A&E with him either, get home and pack bags.

No he is solely responsible for his own actions

Sorry just seen your update that’s he’s taking the seizure seriously. Hope he’s ok and congratulations on your promotion.

You do realise your H won't be allowed to drive for a bit now? Does he realise that?

I think he's covering up something else too. He's got you fawning over him inA&E, Pandering to him.

He's not a good husband - the drinking and drugs are too big an elephant in the room.

Do not have children with this man.

Please, please, OP, do not have children with this man! It isn't fair on them. Have you got any idea the kind of trauma a substances abusing parent causes a child? Not to mention the genetic disorders that can be caused excessive alcohol or drug use. Furthermore, if you partner is prone to addictive behaviors, he could pass that on to a child as well.

Please seek someone who is worthy to be a father, before having children. Children need stability, not the trauma from parents who fight or use drugs.

I agree with this. I would stop TTC and have him tested. The insomnia and feeling terrible just screams guilt to me.

Even with all of that aside, your agreement as a couple is no drugs. This itself should be a deal breaker for you OP.

He got home two days ago - I could be wrong but given that he's only just told his wife he had a seizure, I doubt informing the DVLA would be the first, second or even last thing on his mind 🙄

Then they need to do a head scan and keep him in. He might have to be in hospital for a while. Is he being seen by a neurologist.

Of course he needs to inform the dvla

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP. But I think there are some serious issues here according to your updates:
He has a drinking problem in the past.
He takes drugs (even occasionally would be a no from me)
He lies to you.

I get that he may be great if he doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs - but that's a big if. And obviously one that doesn't apply to him as he does drink to excess and does do drugs.

I would say that the fit (if that's what it was) is probably a reaction to some dodgy drugs. Probably medical aid wasn't called as they knew they'd be found out for drug taking. I would also question very seriously if I wanted to be with him - because this is how your life is going to be if you stay with him. At the very least I'd stop trying to have a baby with the loser.

If my husband went on a stag do it wouldn't occur to me to have a conversation beforehand about drugs. Because he's a fully grown responsible adult capable of enjoying himself without it.
Trying for a baby? What effort has he made? What lifestyle improvement has he made,
One of your posts mentions taking drink out of the equation. It's clear that drinking is very much in the equation
You've had 15 years
He is not going to change
Sorry if that's not what you want to hear

1000% this won’t have been the first time he’s done coke - however as you think this is likely the first time then that in itself isn’t really the issue here - as others have said he’s a grown man and it sound as though it’s a very occasional thing. Some people couldn’t accept that, some people could -
that’s up to you.

The issue however is not only lying about that, but that he’s already created a story to cover a bigger lie that’s likely to come out soon.

As others have said, he’s taken it too far this time and can now try and cover himself by saying he’s had a fit so can’t remember, the insomnia is almost certainly guilt .

Your TTC plans need to absolutely go on hold though until you can be sure this is stable enough to bring a child into - a relationship without trust isn’t a relationship.

Yeah, heard that before. You sound wayyy to lovely and trusting, OP. Trust me when I say that men like this never change. Eventually, they change because they just simply get too old to tolerate or be interested in drinking and drugs, etc. But do you really want to wait decades before that happens? Please, please realise that there are men out there who aren't like this and you deserve to be cherished by one of them.

Your DH needs to seriously reassess his 'friends' - that's not friends that's a bunch of irresponsible idiots!
At least his having a scan, but that really is an issue, idiotic / illegal behaviours and clogging up scanners / the system when people waiting in the system have to wait so long for a regular scan appointment - yes it's an emergency, but self inflicted - he needs to re evaluate his choices, this coke made him have a seizure - he was at least lucky this time that he's seemingly ok, scans dependant, next time he may not be so lucky!
Just so he's aware, had he gone to get help in the other country he could have been put in prison for what he too, he could also have had a huge medical bill too as I'd doubt insurance would pay if he'd had cocaine in his system

To summarise for you:

Your husband lies to you.
Your husband is a class A drug user.

How does he know that he had a fit ? His drugged up friends told him , yet didn’t get him any help ?
Also, if he’d been told he had a fit, why on earth was he risking the lives of other people by driving for three hours ??
This really does not sound a man to bring up a baby with.