Husband didn't tell me

[northchesterforest]

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

Even though it's heartbreaking to read your updates, I’m just so glad this came to light before you brought a child into it too. As for his family, he’s probably lying to them now too, or at least playing down his addiction. He’s probably admitted he drinks but I doubt he’s told them about the class As. It sounds like he’s well and truly reached the gaslighting level of lying with you (like most functioning addicts do) and now he’s going to try it on his family and playing the victim. Good luck to them, he’s not your responsibility any more. Don’t buy his guilt tripping, he got himself into this mess despite your attempts to help, and it’s not your job to fix him. Well done on your promotion OP, I hope you can enjoy it. Focus on that, surround yourself with friends and don’t let him spoil it for you.

This sounds really hard, but it is early days.
The good news is that he has a big network around him...
That means you can feel less guilty about leaving.
The one thing you do know is that he has been lying to you for years. It doesnt matter why he did it. He did it, and effectively that removed choices from you. Take your ability to choose based on real facts right back.

Let them continue to deal with him.
I predict They will soon find out what he is like.
Don't let them guilt trip you into taking him back.

They don't seem to care that you are feeling angry, scared, betrayed BECAUSE of his actions, so don't let them put the guilt on you.
Most people would reflect that things have to be quite bad for your wife to leave you because of your drug taking. Its clear that they are not looking out for you... so you have to look out for yourself.

It is sad and brave to walk away. But it is also avoiding more of the same,with greater intensity in the future.

Have you told your own family, friends etc in RL.. or can you get some counselling support to help deal with this. As a pp said, this has been an enormous shock and it is still very early days. Be very kind to yourself.

I'm sorry OP, this is a heartbreaking situation for you. It must be hard seeing everyone feel sorry for, and supportive of him when you probably have it worse. He lied to you, robbed you of time, and it was probably a mindfuck. People like him often attract a lot of support bc they seem vulnerable and likeable or whatever.

You sound awesome and deserve better.

Stay strong. Tell everyone you are hurting and say that he lied to you.

Take your time x x

In a way I think you are right, its a hard no for me and I would expect everyone else to be on the page, but as drug abuse is SO common across ages/class/occupations and drugs are so accessible etc it is admirable that they had this discussion and came to an agreement. I suppose it makes things straightforward when one breaches the agreement.... we agreed, you sh*t on that, im out.

This!

I cannot believe the HTs - makes you wonder what other behaviours they will endorse/turn a blind eye to.

Hate the argument about high-up/esteemed professions do it - that makes it worse - they are likely better educated and likely have working experience of the negatives of the drugs industry. The fact they do it is not an endorsement - highlights people in every profession are susceptible and have weaknesses.

He won’t change. Thank goodness you hadn’t brought a child into this. You’re being really strong and doing the right thing by walking away. Keep going 💪🏻

OP if you have been around addiction then this man is playing for time. If he’s had a seizure, then he has a major problem.
Had he not had a seizure then he would still be using and lying to you now.
Of course, his family will view it differently because they don’t live with it or his lies. They will have to now, but all they can see is that he’s been in hospital, he’s got issues, he needs help etc
Let them help him OP.
Of course it’s sad for you. You loved the person you thought he was. But when he had a choice, each time he chose his lie over your relationship.
He could get clean, and at some stage apologise. It is part of sobriety steps to apologise.
That is ok. But carrying on with the business of being clean is more of a challenge. He will have to leave his friendship group and social life. It’s a big change and one only he can make.
And not everyone who even tries stays clean. Then everyone around is on the same roundabout where it is all about him.
His family won’t think about what this has done to you, because they are only hearing about him.
Go to your own tribe. Get support from people you love and do things you like to do. To help him you have to detach from him. If you let him back in, he will start his behaviours all over again, and in a year or two it will get worse.
Choose yourself now. Choose your own health and happiness and peace of mind.
You had to find out the truth from one of his mates which was awful when you were so worried.
I have had a previous relationship which ended up like this and I was in denial. It got worse until it destroyed both of us. It took me years to get over it.
Give yourself the gift of time and peace.