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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn't tell me

383 replies

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:22

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

OP posts:
Jennyathemall · 07/08/2024 11:06

Surely the deal breaker for a deciding to have a relationship with someone is to have to have a "no drugs agreement". Would never even enter my consciousness that this is something to bring up with a potential partner.

Bekindtoyourselfandothers · 07/08/2024 11:06

I think OP you are being naive to think he hasn't taken drugs before.
He wouldn't be hanging around with a crowd who do drugs if he didn't take them himself.
As I understand it a lot of druggies use cocaine when they go drinking because it enables them to go on drinking for longer.
As I understand it there is also a connection between using cocaine and sex drive so I would also be worried about what he got up to on the stag do on that count.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 07/08/2024 11:07

It would be better to have a baby with a sperm donor as a single mother rather than be with someone who takes drugs. You can’t trust him and he doesn’t respect you enough to not use cocaine.

Cailin66 · 07/08/2024 11:08

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 11:03

It was a seizure
I'm with him in A&E right now but I'm upset I didn't know and we could have gone Sunday

Is there any chance he fell and banged his head. Make sure they check him for that. It happened to someone I know, fell on holiday, after drinking, flew home, had a seizure, caused by the fall, and internal bleeding.

Dinoswearunderpants · 07/08/2024 11:10

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:33

Also, this isn't the first time we have issues like that. Over the years we have had many many arguments over his drinking habits in particular. So I feel like this isn't a first time thing, I'm starting to feel a bit worn out. We've been together 15 years and married for 1 year.

Why do you want a baby with this man?

Jagoda · 07/08/2024 11:10

Christ! What a loser.

Chypre · 07/08/2024 11:11

Well, tell him the truth as well. That men are twice as likely to have heart attacks than women, and 1 in 5 heart attacks occur in men under 40. And cocaine is a powerful stimulant, that can raise the heart rate to the point of failure. He does that dumb shit again and you won't shed tears or give a flying fuck about his funeral, just drop his body at his mum's house and drive off.

Edingril · 07/08/2024 11:11

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 07/08/2024 11:07

It would be better to have a baby with a sperm donor as a single mother rather than be with someone who takes drugs. You can’t trust him and he doesn’t respect you enough to not use cocaine.

Not for the baby

Saschka · 07/08/2024 11:12

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:34

Also is it normal to have a fit when you take coke? I'm upset that he was unconscious. Also that no one found medical help.

No, that’s not normal. Did he definitely have a witnessed seizure? Or just pass out drunk?

If his friends watched him fitting and just stepped over him to carry on partying, he needs new friends.

GentlemanJay · 07/08/2024 11:13

Maybe this is the wake-up call he needs. To change his was.

Relaxandunwind · 07/08/2024 11:14

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:33

Also, this isn't the first time we have issues like that. Over the years we have had many many arguments over his drinking habits in particular. So I feel like this isn't a first time thing, I'm starting to feel a bit worn out. We've been together 15 years and married for 1 year.

Why are you ttc with a man like this ?

Imagine how horrendous things will be when you bring a child into the mix !

sweetpickle2 · 07/08/2024 11:15

I'll get flamed here, but as someone who has taken coke a few times in her life- often a lot of it on a real sesh in my youth!- a seizure is far from normal. You would have to be very unlucky to have that kind of reaction on your first ever go, or have taken absolutely loads of it. Good luck OP.

Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 11:16

He has hit his head. He has a bump and he told me he fell out of bed drunk 😔 I'm so scared about this scan at the hospital

OP posts:
Saschka · 07/08/2024 11:18

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 11:16

He has hit his head. He has a bump and he told me he fell out of bed drunk 😔 I'm so scared about this scan at the hospital

He’s telling you a load of bollocks here. He rollled out of bed and hit his head hard enough to cause a seizure and leave a bump three days later? Was he in a bunk bed??

pikkumyy77 · 07/08/2024 11:18

Its an odd phenomenon associated with being ACOA (Adult Child of an alcoholic) that one is easily blinded, bewildered, and confused by patently stupid excuses offered by the love object and addict in one’s life. A childhood of making excuses, ignoring reality, covering up for drunken dad leads to horribly dysfunctional excuses for collapsed husband.

Maybe he did have a seizure?. I am sure OP feels reassured to be at A and E with him. The whole incident wasn’t a total lie! but to the rest of us one sliver of truth doesn’t make up for the fact that OP is involved with an addict/alcoholic just like dear old dad.

OP you don’t trust him snd you can’t trust him. That is so unnecessary. You had stsndards around drinking, drugging, and caring for his own health and he made you feel self conscious about them. That was for his convenience as he did not want to be the man you needed him to be—the opposite of your dad.

You have to stand up for your right to have standards. For your desire to not be living your mother’s life. He has had 15 years to get with the program and he hasn’t. He never will.

Duckswaddle · 07/08/2024 11:18

Christ love, wake up. The shit that some women put up with 🤦🏼‍♀️ you think this is a good relationship to bring an innocent child into?
Bollocks to his bumped head. He can’t be trusted.

MounjaroUser · 07/08/2024 11:19

pikkumyy77 · 07/08/2024 10:47

I have to agree with the others—15 years of a man drinking and telling you what you want to hear, then fertility issues, then drinking snd drugging himself into a seizure? Look up sunk cost fallacy. You are living in it.

I'm really sorry, OP, but I agree with this. You really don't want to be dealing with this when you have a baby, too. If you can't trust him, don't have a baby with him.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 11:21

Saschka · 07/08/2024 11:18

He’s telling you a load of bollocks here. He rollled out of bed and hit his head hard enough to cause a seizure and leave a bump three days later? Was he in a bunk bed??

Show quote history

😂

Cocococoa · 07/08/2024 11:21

I haven’t read the whole thread but I’d get him to go to the GP first and foremost over the fit. Maybe the dr will give him a lecture which will shake him up on top of checking stuff out. People make mistakes but only you can know what’s best. On the alcohol, I’ve seen how much damage that can cause ( not my DH thankfully ) and it’s really really hard when its an otherwise wonderful person that you love, it’s an addiction/ an illness after all , but maybe he’s aware of that and has it under control ? Good luck.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/08/2024 11:22

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:33

Also, this isn't the first time we have issues like that. Over the years we have had many many arguments over his drinking habits in particular. So I feel like this isn't a first time thing, I'm starting to feel a bit worn out. We've been together 15 years and married for 1 year.

Why are you trying to get pregnant by an irresponsible liar who you don't trust and is a problem drinker or worse??!!

Don't you want better for your eventual child?

What he did on the stage do is the least of your worries.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 07/08/2024 11:22

He didn't go to Ibiza by any chance? There is something over there called Pink Coke which isn't even cocaine, it's a mix of Ketamine and MDMA. His symptoms sound more like an MDMA comedown. The insomnia from cocaine tends to only be whilst you are on it, then people can generally sleep afterwards. Things that cause continued insomnia are often hallucinagenics like MDMA or acid.
Be wise to see if he can have a drug test so he can find out exactly what he has taken.
But yes with the ongoing alcohol issues I would pause TTC and reassess the relationship. Having an alcoholic / binge drinker Father to your baby is like being a single parent. In fact it's worse. Hope you are OK.

Edingril · 07/08/2024 11:22

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 11:16

He has hit his head. He has a bump and he told me he fell out of bed drunk 😔 I'm so scared about this scan at the hospital

I was trying my hardest not to ask this but are you really this guiilable?

LadyGrinningSoul8517 · 07/08/2024 11:23

Nope. Would be an instant deal breaker for me.
I grew up in an area that was utterly ruined by drugs and the damage they cause.
Drugs are a deal breaker for me.
One strike and out.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 11:23

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 11:03

It was a seizure
I'm with him in A&E right now but I'm upset I didn't know and we could have gone Sunday

So he had absolutely no medical treatment on the stag do? Despite having a cocaine induced seizure where he was unconscious and hit his head? Wow. Some great friends he's got there 🙄

Anyway the whole thing is just an absolute childish, pathetic mess. More fool you for wanting to have a baby with this man.