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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband didn't tell me

383 replies

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:22

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 07/08/2024 10:47

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:36

I will ask his best friend from the stag do but I feel like he won't tell me much to be honest.

Ask his best friend, did he know about the fit? If not, why not? If so, why didn't he call an ambulance? Put him on the spot about his bad behaviour and you might get a bit closer to the truth.

Also, stress that you need to know the details of what preceded the fit because you need to provide this information to the doctors.

pikkumyy77 · 07/08/2024 10:47

I have to agree with the others—15 years of a man drinking and telling you what you want to hear, then fertility issues, then drinking snd drugging himself into a seizure? Look up sunk cost fallacy. You are living in it.

itsmylife7 · 07/08/2024 10:48

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:36

We have a good relationship but honestly I'm worried I can't trust him sometimes and that he hides things from me.

He is really upset but it feels a bit like a broken record.

What you've described is NOT a good relationship OP.

Lindjam · 07/08/2024 10:48

He hangs out with a “druggy” crowd but you don’t think he does drugs.

OK

Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:50

I feel like such an idiot

My mom had a string of bad relationships growing up which includes alcohol and abuse

I always thought I was too sensitive about alcohol but maybe i wasn't

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 10:51

I genuinely cannot for the life of me fathom why any woman would marry - and want a family with - a man who hangs out in a "druggy crowd"???

Surely this type of behaviour is for when you're young, free and single (early / late 20s max)?? I can't imagine how anyone could think this is a solid and reliable choice for a husband / father?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/08/2024 10:52

He is honestly a really good and loving person. If drinking was out of the equation we wouldn't have any issues.

Yes, but drinking isn't out of the equation. And instead of taking it out of the equation, he's added drugs to tye equation. And lying about them. This is part of your relationship. And if you have a child it will be part of their family life.

Whingewithme · 07/08/2024 10:53

He likely didn’t have a fit. He has cheated on you and is using the idea of a fit to give a medical event which may cloud your ability to see the cheating for what it was. He hasn’t slept for guilt.

Forget the fit business and get the truth.

C1N1C · 07/08/2024 10:54

Given the fact he had a fit, he's probably not going to be lining up to do this again. Be pissed that he tried of course, but as far as him making it a habit, I think you're safe.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 10:55

Whingewithme · 07/08/2024 10:53

He likely didn’t have a fit. He has cheated on you and is using the idea of a fit to give a medical event which may cloud your ability to see the cheating for what it was. He hasn’t slept for guilt.

Forget the fit business and get the truth.

THIS 💯

LolaJ87 · 07/08/2024 10:57

@northchesterforest if someone has a seizure from cocaine, it likely means he overdosed on it. He could have died. This isn't someone trying their first line. Did he go to hospital and has he been seen? It doesn't sound like it and it says a lot about how responsible he is.

Please don't get pregnant. Get your ducks in a row and get out. Someone drinking heavily and using drugs will often have deformed swimmers anyway. It doesn't sound like he's worried about TTC.

Don't throw good time after bad. Get out while you're young enough to start over.

Edingril · 07/08/2024 10:58

So you have a baby with him split up and when he get access these people will be around your child?

Has any of that crossed your mind?

Justsayit123 · 07/08/2024 10:59

This is a dealbreaker. I’d been done with him. He’s a liar and the rest.

CLola24 · 07/08/2024 10:59

I wasted years with the wrong person because we both wanted children. We went separate ways because he wouldn't make reasonable, actionable changes and I wanted to protect my future kids from such a poor example and an inevitable environment of stress and hostility. I have had to make peace with the fact that due to wasting my time, I might not ever have my own biological children. It is hard to grapple with but I'm under no illusion that parenting kids with my ex would have been far more miserable.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 07/08/2024 10:59

Do not have a baby with this man.

I expect he is telling you as little as he can possibly get away with.

ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 07/08/2024 10:59

Does your husband actually want children?

Do you want to have children with someone you regard as a problem drinker?

Do you think this situation is likely to get better?

DoIWantTo · 07/08/2024 11:00

Why on earth would you want a baby with a man you regularly argue with about drinking and don’t trust not to take drugs to the point you have to remind him not to take them with his friends? Bin the man, definitely do not have a baby with him.

Velvian · 07/08/2024 11:00

Do you mean he had a seizure @northchesterforest ? If so, he should get checked out by the GP.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/08/2024 11:00

sorry to be a doubting Thomas, but did he really have a fit?

Or did he drink, take drugs, pass out and needed an excuse to cover himself for two days of feeling awful.

I know that someone saying I took drugs, passed out and I feel awful would get zero sympathy from most.

But saying they'd had a fit and this was why the were so ill - would have many rushing to get them checked by a doctor since this could be the start of a very very serious health condition which could have an impact on all sorts of things such as heart health, driving, his job etc...

You do need to contact his accomplices at the stag do and find out. If he had a fit then an ambulance would be the best course of action and I think a club would call one. So find out as much as possible about when, what stage in the holidday, where, what treatment etc... as this could verify his story.

What is his relationship with these friends like? Are they very influential? Is he easily led or trying to join in with the group?

From what you say, he has form for lying to protect himself. That's great for him but it doesn't protect you in any way and if he didn't have a fit but told you he did to get less of a telling off, that's putting a giant load of unnecessary worries on you. On top of the fact that you are going through the hassel of medical fertility treatment, whilst he's doing the exact opposite of the doctor's advice.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 11:01

Also as others have said, having a seizure from taking drugs is a serious medical emergency. Assuming you are his next of kin / emergency contact, would you not have known about this? Because surely he would have had to go to hospital???

As @Whingewithme said, he's cheated. He can't sleep because he feels guilty. Yes he probably has been taking drugs too but the story is lining up to cover what he did and pretend he was blacked out so doesn't remember.

Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 11:03

It was a seizure
I'm with him in A&E right now but I'm upset I didn't know and we could have gone Sunday

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 07/08/2024 11:04

I can’t imagine he had a fit and didn’t seek medical attention to be honest, or that nobody he was with would have sought it on his behalf.

One of my best friends had a fit when we were on a night out a few years ago just randomly and it was absolutely terrifying, there’s not a single chance any of us would have let her just toddle off home after that without seeking medical attention, especially if we were in a foreign country and had to get on a plane to get home.

At a minimum you need to stop trying for a baby. You say yourself you’ve had recurring problems with his alcohol intake, don’t bring a baby into that mess.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/08/2024 11:05

As you are in A&E now, hopefully he will tell the Doctor the truth

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/08/2024 11:05

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:46

He is honestly a really good and loving person. If drinking was out of the equation we wouldn't have any issues.
But I'm worried about him keeping things from me. I want to trust him and I hate the idea of being paranoid. That's not who I want to me.

But drinking is in the equation and won’t be going anywhere. And now drugs is in the mix. Oh, and lying to you….You Can’t Trust Him. Please don’t bring a child into this.

Querty123456 · 07/08/2024 11:05

If he regularly hangs out with a druggy crowd and drinks problematically I would bet that he takes coke really regularly. Up to you to decide just how problematic it is - is it weekly/ monthly/ couple of times a year. If it’s the former then I’d say it’s time to move on.