Husband didn't tell me

[northchesterforest]

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

How bad is his drinking? Seizures are quite common with alcohol dependency. They're called 'rum fits'. He needs to be honest with the Dr's about how much he drinks. Sorry you're going through this IP

He apparently passed out the next day and had a seizure and was sick. So it was the day after the big night

@northchesterforest
' apparently ' mmnn yes ' apparently '

hopefully the truth will eventually come out

This won’t be the last time. There will be another stag do, another occassion to hang out with his druggy friends and by the sound of it he is not adverse to taking drugs and has no desire/spine to say no to it.
Ne already has a drinking problem, occassionally does drugs and potentially other stuff you don’t know about. And he has form for lying to you to cover his ass.

For me, the trust would be gone. This relationship will unravel in time. Then what. You will potentially be tied forever to this person if you have a child with him and will be forever worrying what environment your child is exposed to when you are not around. Is this what you want?

Does he have any non druggy friends, is there any chance to reduce or cut off that druggy crowd? I doubt that, he sounds firmly a part of it.

So with knowing all that, you have a choice to make, for yourself and for any kids you have in the future. I would stop TTC if i were you and give him half a year/year to address drinking etc. If that wouldn’t happen, it would be the end. Otherwise you will have all of these old problems with a child thrown into the mix as well. It will be much harder then and whilst now you can walk away then you won’t be able to.

I think he's tripping over his own lies now.... he was drunk, fell out of bed, took cocaine (for the first time ever 🤨), bumped his head, passed out, got sick......
Sorry that you're going through this OP, but there's a lot you're not being told

No this isn’t normal, the insomnia could be a result of taking coke but having a seizure and losing consciousness is not something you would associate with taking a few lines of coke. He should see a doctor

This is your world and the baby’s world too if you have one. The pathetic needs of the addict take precedence over all your best days and worst days. The smartest thing you could ever do would be to walk out on him in A snd E. Tell his buddies “come collect your boy. The maid is quitting.”

This will be your life unless he chooses to get into recovery. Of which many don't choose ever or it can take years. Do you want to choose that life? Where his drama always takes over you and your life. Where you'll be left in the shadows. Dealing with him like you're his parent. This isn't love. I'd highly reccomend therapy for you.

You deserve a reliable partner who is accountable has integrity. Tells the truth. Who you come home to tell that news to and they will want to celebrate with you. There are healthy people out there that will want you to be the best version of yourself and will support you in that. Your current partner isn't capable of that he only sees himself. It's not your job or responsibility to "save" him or see the best in him. Save yourself.

Eugh why is everyone doing cocaine these days. Feel like it’s become fashionable. Tell him it’s idiotic. I have seen young men presenting with acute MI (heart attack) after taking cocaine as it causes vasospam. It’s just not worth doing.

This would tie in with alcohol dependency as the seizures usually occur during withdrawal

Just got off the phone with his best friend.

Apparently they've been taking coke and MDMA for years. I'm done.

A baby isn’t going to change him for the better. A baby won’t repair your relationship.
If you want to go ahead and get pregnant with him be prepared to be a single parent.
Sorry, but as a pp said the stag do come is the tip of the iceberg and a seizure should have been medically investigated.

At least now you know. Hold firm, get out and be glad there's no child in the mix tying you to this liar.

I’m sorry, it’s shit but it’s for the best. You deserve so much better.

So sorry you're going through this. Get your real life support in place and ducks in a row

Oh he did a bit of coke on a stag do. I couldn't be angry at this, at all - but I wouldn't have made a no drugs ever agreement with a grown adult anyway. If I were you? I'd let this go and understand he didn't tell you because you'd clearly be fuming and have forbade him, given the agreement you made.

If his friends are quite a druggy crowd he has probably taken other things before, it's not often a non taker is friends with an entire group of drug takers, however it does happen.

I say loosen up a bit, but leaving the door open for there to be a serious reason why you are so anti drugs at any point ever - a one off line at a stag is such a non issue I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Congratulations on your promotion.

I'm sorry your DH is taking the celebration away from you.

My friend, my lovely friend, her DP has started to have lifestyle induced seizures from his party lifestyle.

He's had his license taken off him which affects his work.

He's still drinking and taking coke and who knows what else. Ket as well but I'm sure she doesn't tell me the half of it!

She is ill from the stress of it all

I hope this is a wake up call for him

Just read your last update OP so the below message is no longer relevant but in case your resolve wavers I’ll post it anyway. I’ll now say, well done, ditch him, enjoy your freedom, enjoy your promotion, have a great life !

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Just a couple of observations OP.

He’s now told you another story about falling out of bed drunk. What did he tell them at A&E ? Just about the drink or did he include the drugs ? Did he tell them about falling out of bed, being sick ? How many accounts of the incident(s) are there ?

Please reread your posts and imagine your best friend told you these things; 15 years of arguments about drink, lying, drug taking, going away with ‘friends’ who didn’t get medical help for him whether he’d had a fit, seizure and been sick whether from the effects of drugs or hitting his head falling out of bed drunk. Oh, and your best friend tells you she’s TTC with this man.What would you say to your best friend ?

Good and loving people do not do these things, and people with drink issues rarely change, especially if they stay ‘mates’ with the people who feed their problem. He obviously doesn’t even love himself enough to look after himself let alone you and a baby. Who drives so soon after such heavy drink and drug taking ? It’s up to you if you decide to stay with him but please don’t be responsible for bringing a baby into the mix.

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So sorry .....but now you know who he really is!
He will not change.

Chanel the anger and hurt into moving forward.

Well until the next time

I'm sorry op. I hope this gives you the closure you need to move on with your life. I'm sorry so many people on here were so harsh on you too.

I hope this is what you need to leave OP. Sorry you’re going through this.

I’m sorry OP. You’ve been fooling yourself for years.

Cut your losses now and don’t bring a child into this mess. And raise your standards.

Now you know, if there's more who knows?

What an awful time for you, I hope you've someone to talk to IRL. 💐

Also, congratulations on your promotion!! It should be a time for celebrating, not being in A&E with a lying, douchebag of a husband.

Call your sister, your best friend, whoever... and celebrate 🥳 🎉

Imagine for a minute that you have a child with this man.

Then you get divorced.

Your child will have to see this man and stop overnight and possibly half the school holidays until he or she is 18.

You will not know what is going on during those times, if your ex is drunk or taking drugs or who else might be in the house with your child.