Husband didn't tell me

[northchesterforest]

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

@northchesterforest i do wish you well. This must all be so difficult to be dealing with

lean on family and friends and enjoy your life.
🌺

Yes if you take too much. Most likely however he takes it a lot… it’s not something you just do one as once off as a grown up!

I've had a drug induced seizure and watched others have them, they are NOT from just taking a little coke, it is from excessive consumption of drugs and its your bodies way of trying to remove them, many people die from drug induced seizures. For the friends to have not called for medical assistance is despicable in itself, what if he'd have not come around!!! If he took so many drugs that he had a seizure I wouldn't be worrying about him cheating and the likes, it's virtually impossible under the influence in that quantity. But I can bet you bottom dollar it wasn't his first time taking it..

I wouldn't take any notice of the people jumping to there being more that he is hiding. Taking drugs does cause insomnia and anxiety, add on to that having a seizure which must have been scary for him. He will be feeling guilty as he took drugs and risked his own life when you are TTC and have an agreement of no drugs.
He made a mistake, he has probably been stressed and wanted to let loose. Fertility journeys are hard on both parties.
What you do next is your choice, he did cross an agreed boundary. I would really suggest you don't get swayed by opinions from strangers on the internet though and make sure it's your decision and people aren't getting in your head making you more paranoid.

Regardless of other people's views on drugs, you had a clear boundary in your relationship that it was to be drug free. He broke this and didn't have the honesty to admit to it. Instead he has allowed you to worry about him for three days, his insomnia then a seizure, which would make most people very concerned. He has allowed you to think all sorts before eventually admitting to the drug use.
So what have you learned about him? That he can't be trusted to stick to his word where drugs are concerned, that he will lie if he thinks you'll be annoyed with him, and that he'll take the lie to the wire, despite you being very worried for him. These are really not good traits in the prospective father if your child and would worry me far more than his abuse of his body.

You have a no drug agreement in your relationship…..

It’s not something normal people have to agree upon. It’s usually standard to not take drugs, mainly because they are illegal 🙄

Your friends using drugs are not great people.

The head teachers using coke at conferences are morally redundant.

Both are supporting a nasty and violent underground trade in which women and children are exploited and abused. (And men of course).

The headteachers will regularly undertake and (be expected to) ensure that their staff are aware of the need to be aware of the problem and to manage safeguarding where children under their care are involved.

These headteachers need to give their heads a good hard wobble.

The drugs trade is nasty and not a laugh on a Friday evening.

Anyone here want their child told that if they don't hold a couple of grams or deliver a small packet that their mother or sister will be stabbed or raped? This happens.

So sorry you’ve had this awful shock, OP. I think you’re incredibly brave by moving on alone and you won’t regret it.

I'd be very surprised if this was the first time doing coke.

I may be old fashioned but it's not something you just do 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd think VERY carefully before bringing a baby into this relationship. Seriously.

Leave this man now. He acted totally irresponsibly, lied about it, and still won't change his behaviour to improve his health. He doesn't care about anything except getting his fix or whatever. Don't have kids with someone who will not help you and will need constant supervision around his own kids.

I know you said you are going your separate ways but please be aware, OP that if you relent and give him another chance and end up having a baby with him that you may well be forced to hand your baby over into his care on a regular basis.

Would you be happy with this irresponsible man-child taking your baby away to look after him or her- including overnight?

Think very hard, OP.

He must have taken quite a bit of coke to not be sleeping for 2 days! I think like some have already commented… there’s more to the story!

He’s upset?! Doesn’t sound like a good relationship and especially doesn’t sound like a good relationship to bring a child into.

You currently have no idea how it’s going to feel when these behaviors continue while you are worn out/emotional/responsible for another human/losing your sense of identity/need your partner to prioritise you/your earnings are slashed etc etc. Clue: it does not feel good.

Unless you are independently wealthy I suggest you seriously reconsider having a baby with this man (I mean, I wouldn’t recommend it if you are, but money does make singe parenthood a lot easier).

I’m sure you will not take this advice as it’s hard and you’ve already invested a LOT of time in him. But look up ‘sunk cost fallacy’ and consider, not just whether you’re prepared to be a single parent but also how you think he will co-parent with you in that scenario. Otherwise will expect you back here when you have an infant, beside yourself because your ‘D’H has lied/behaved irresponsibility/doesn’t offer you the support you and your child need and deserve when you are at your most vulnerable.

Haven’t RTFT, but the above view is not based on his behavior on the stag but on your inferences that similar issues are longstanding. Good luck.

If his friends do drugs it’s likely he does when he is with them. He just isn’t telling you. It’s probably you that made the no drug rule. He likes you wants to keep you so went along with it in the hope of not being caught. This was my ex. He didn’t turn into a drug addict but a good liar for a while.

There was no fit! He's just clucking after coming down off the Charlie.

I can't lie, I'm struggling. It's clear he has problems and needs help. He has a big network around him (supportive family) and the narrative has become how much he needs help and how much he is hurting. I feel like there is no room for how I feel in all of this. I'm angry, scared, but above all just so incredibly sad it's come to this.

Is he still at his mothers ?
how is he ' hurting ' mentally or physically ?
what are you scared of / for - his health / his mental well being / your future ?

of course you are angry !

and yes you are sad - you have only been married a year and you believed you were both trying for a baby - that's all gone now, along with all your hopes and dreams for your future.

you are prob also in shock - this has all been a sham and you had no inkling.

It's a longterm relationship that he's lied continually and consistently all the way through.

I know I might sound harsh but leave him to it, he isn't going to change. Do you really want to be looking for signs the rest of your life?

You don’t have to go along with the narrative. ‘It’s good you’re there to help because I’m only his wife he’s been lying to for years while he pretends to want a baby with me. If he has health problems from his drug problem they are self inflicted and I can’t help, I’m too busy picking up the pieces of my shattered life.’

It is going to be hard. Flying monkeys will come at you “he is really sorry/ heart broken” “addiction is an illness” “in sickness and in health” etc….

But they haven’t had to deal with the repeated lies AND alcoholic bad behaviour.

This isn’t a one off mistake. This is a pattern of choices he keeps making. His family can support him, but you are very much better off with out him dragging you down.

If you take him back it is highly likely he will behave himself for a while to prove to himself he doesn’t have a problem/ addiction. Then he will start back up again.

OP, there is no greater advocate for a "suffering" man that his family who have zero interest in doing the dirty work of dealing with an addict.

Take him back, pick up the pieces and sacrifice more of your life if you wish to be carer for a druggy liar.

That is your choice if your life/future has so little value to you

Just forget about children if you do.
It would be so selfish to have an innocent child with this loser.

Mess up your own life if you must, but please not a childs.

Make room! Don't allow them to side line you. What support do you have specifically for you? You can walk away if you choose to.

If he has a supportive network then all the more reason to leave him to it.
You focus on yourself

How is the narrative coming to you? Are members of his family contacting you directly or is this social media/Whatsapp Group type stuff? If you can block or withdraw from groups that expose you to his 'hurt' then I would do so.

Don't be guilt-tripped by him or his people. You are the victim of his shitty behaviour so if it's too early for you to get angry then at least try and buffer yourself from their pleas.

You have made a very sensible choice. Don't be swayed by their BS.

OP, this unfortunately was the same case with me. First few months, noone really saw the truth, I was the horrible person, until the truth came out. The lies as to where he is living, the level of drug addiction, the level of debt, the lies why he didn't make to see DC. People started to support me more with time. They still do, however part of family & friendship group still enables his behavior which results in him getting worse and worse. The same group of people still says oh he wants to clean up, he wants the help, he feels horrible. We are heading into a 1.5 years soon since this started and I can say, nothing has changed. No amount of pleading, begging, threatening, ultimatums has changed a thing. He was provided with resources for local centres, doctors, rehabs. He still insists he doesn't take drugs anymore yes disappears for days at the time. I have attended family meetings of drug addicts, online groups, chats, zoom meetings. The fact he hasn't told you about taking drugs means that he does not see it as a problem and he is deceitful. Do you really want to go through that with him without children? I can tell you it's been hell to go through it with DC! No support, financial or physical, not reachable, disappearing so you never know if you will get a call that he is dead, someone having to always supervise visits with DC as you can't trust a drug addict. Somehow though he is managing to keep a managerial demanding role he is performing, but the way he has been I don't think it will last much longer.

I do also know people that only take drugs like coke socially, manage to have great family life, travel, good jobs etc. Majority of people that wound up on coke, unfortunately cannot, particularly if their life doesn't go great.

Please look after yourself. The onus on any addict is to help themselves. I have tried at a huge cost to myself. I am still feeling it now. I'm anxious, angry, sad, forever tired. I don't know when he will reappear next and what issue he will cause next time. Do not have a child with this man, the chances of ruining your life and your child's life are too great.