Page 14 | Husband didn't tell me

northchesterforest · 2024-08-07T09:22:55+00:00

I'm not sure what to do. My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible. He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked. I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't. We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd. He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me. I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit. I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking. I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

candycane222 · 09/08/2024 09:36

Hopefully he won't be so daft again and more to the point happily for OP she will no longer have to wonder 'did he didn't he? will he drink too much even if he stays off the class As?', etc.

What a lying little prick he is. Ugh OP, I am so sorry. You must be feeling devastated 😢

candycane222 · 09/08/2024 09:37

...no longer have to wonder as he's not her problem any more 👍

Washingupdone · 09/08/2024 09:44

Take care of yourself. Good luck

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 09/08/2024 09:48

If you're going to be nasty @SardinesOnGingerbread then at least read the OP updates.

@northchesterforest I do wish you all the best. You are too good for this person. Thank goodness you found out before falling pregnant.

mommatoone · 09/08/2024 09:52

Sorry this has happened OP. I'm a firm beliver that things happen for a reason. You are too good for him. Wishing you all the best.

AInightingale · 09/08/2024 09:53

I don't think enough research has ever been done into the sperm quality of men who persistently abuse drugs - we seem to focus on women ttc, on conditions like FAS etc. Really not a good idea to have babies with these sort of men. It's just not clear if damage is being done and that's a tragedy for any children born.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 09/08/2024 10:01

Those suggesting drugs are no different to alcohol are ignoring the law, as well as the vulnerable adults and children who are used and severly abused in the supply chain. Those who use drugs are part of that abuse - whether they are addicts or recreational users. OP you drew your line, and I admire you greatly for that. Good luck.

Fairyflaps · 09/08/2024 10:01

An ex of mine had a seizure that was initially assumed to be an epileptic fit on the morning after a big night out. It turned out to be an extreme version of the DTs arising from his alcohol abuse. My family has a history of epilepsy, and with some that have died as a result (a family member had drowned only a year earlier), so I was really concerned.
I assumed that this would be the trigger for him to address his drinking, but no. He just treated it as a laugh and carried on. That was what ended the relationship.
You can't change people who don't want to change. You can only change what you do, and I think you've made the right choice.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 09/08/2024 10:20

He needs to surrender his driving license as well, although it is suspected the seizure was drug related no-one can know that for sure, plus he can have more drug induced seizures!

Once he has been seizure free for a year he can start driving again. I don’t know if the hospital/gp will inform the DVLA of this. You can phone the GP yourself and tell them that he had a seizure and won’t inform the DVLA - then I think they are obliged to.

Some will say this is harsh / rengence but it really isn’t. He drove himself home after a drug induced seizure. He can not be trusted to make sensible decisions and driving could cost him and others their lives. Next time it could be the day after a big night out and he is behind the wheel when he has a seizure!

I’m sorry your life has been turned upside down like this and it is hard with the fertility treatment. Stay strong and know you are worth more that this. Your life will be better without bad behaviour from drink/drugs.

Dweetfidilove · 09/08/2024 10:24

Kelly51 · 07/08/2024 10:37

Over the years we have had many many arguments over his drinking habits in particular. So I feel like this isn't a first time thing, I'm starting to feel a bit worn out. We've been together 15 years and married for 1 year.
I never understand these posts, 15 years of crap then you marry him??
Why do woman continue to work against themselves ?

Beggars belief 🤦🏾‍♀️

alrightluv · 09/08/2024 11:05

@northchesterforest wishing you well. I'm so sorry.

Portfun24 · 09/08/2024 11:08

I'm so sorry you have found this out and your worlds been turned upside down.

Just wanted to tell you about my friend who went through lots of fertility treatment to try conceive with her then husband, they ended up splitting up because he was an absolute arse to her before she conceived. She met her new husband and fell pregnant with him with no issues at all and said she's so thankful now that it never happened with her last husband and it was like the universe's way of telling her he wasn't a good match for her.

I hope in time when ready you meet someone who deserves you and have the family you want with no issues. Take care of yourself.

Movingonup313 · 09/08/2024 11:17

icanseefrombothsidesnow · 09/08/2024 06:15

I've NC for this. I hope your husband is ok. I'm coming from a different perspective and will get flamed for it but....here goes:
I was heavily involved in the acid house / house movement which started in 1988 when I was 17. I met my husband at a London club in 89. We, and all our friends took a lot of Es and coke. We travelled a lot including seasons in Ibiza, Australia, India and Thailand. We all went on to have professional jobs, bought houses in London in our late 20s and a few are millionaires now - lots of different career paths. We all have young adult children who are at uni or in successful careers, including Law and Education and Police.
Recreational drug use does not make someone a bad parent in my experience. We all were/are great parents; I was on my children's school PTA and was a school governor, whilst working as a civil servant and then on the SLT of a London independent school. I'm now self employed as is my husband, he is earning £200 ph. My children excelled in their extra curricular activities: horse riding, musical theatre, cricket, football, athletics. They are very well adjusted, confident, sociable young adults who are en route to be on the property ladder in London by the time they are 30, as we were. Most of our friends children are the same.
Taking coke will often keep you awake but doesn't usually cause seizures. But Withdrawing from alcohol does. MDMA (E but in powder form) and Ket can.
Therefore, I don't see it as a deal breaker. But you need to talk.
I don't take coke anymore and i stopped taking E when I was trying to conceive 26yrs ago. No drugs including alcohol were taken when trying to conceive nor when I was pregnant or BF. We did indulge afterwards but our babies were with our parents overnight (we are very lucky in that both sets of grandparents were more than happy to babysit when we went out once a month)
My husband still takes coke when he goes out occasionally. Our children are very health conscious and don't really drink and don't smoke. Both are in relationships and have great social lives. Neither take drugs (we would know- making cheese on toast and conversing with your parents at 4am is not what a coke/ket uses does)
We are still close friends with those we met in our teens.
We did 'work hard, play hard' as was the norm working/living in London through the 90s/00s.
I wish you and your husband well. Set your boundaries, both whilst trying to conceive and when you become parents. But, I can assure you, cocaine use is rife.
More people I know became addicted to alcohol and a few have died prematurely, very sadly. I wish alcohol was much less widely available.
You obv have a solid relationship and I hope you can get through this. My husband and I have been together since 1989 and married since 2000.

Your post is glorifying drug use. Cocaine abuse is not okay. It is dangerous. You are right, abuse of it is rife. Death related cocaine abuse is also rife. The health implications are also rife. I think it was very irresponsible to say i did it and I'm okay. (Some people use that to justify their own drug abuse.) The devastation caused by the illicit drug industry cannot be over estimated. The abuses of children and county lines is real and rife. Dealers are dealers and dont care. No morals. I would not "okay" drug abuse on a forum like this.

OP all the best to you moving on. You will be the better person and come off better. Your path and story will be brighter. Hopefully he sorts his drug abuse/underlying issues before its too late for him.

NamechangeRugby · 09/08/2024 12:10

Op, this is a blessing in disguise, grab it, stay strong and don't look back. You would never he able to trust him again. Utterly selfish, thoughtless, self absorbed, greedy behaviour. Zero thought for anyone else. No thought for you, nor anyone else when he drove with substances in his system and no clue when they would wear off, nor all those suffering due to the drug trade, nor the health service who have pick up the pieces, nor his future family when he squandered his health.

@icanseefrombothsidesnow your argument appears to be 'me and my friends survived and have made lots of money, how great are we!' Oh please. Open your eyes. A great deal of the mess society is in is due to people with such low morals having unfortunately made it to trusted or influential positions, lining their own pockets, making very selfish or short term or just plain 'not great' decisions, because their ego is so large and their integrity so very, very low.

GrumpyMuleFan · 09/08/2024 12:23

I’ve just read through the whole thread and think you w made the right decision. Early on you said you were feeling drained by it all. That was just the tip. These things often unravel quickly, esp if someone has been lying. I think you sound so lovely and caring, with very clear boundaries of what suits you and what doesn’t. Let him go and don’t look back. The sun will shine again, no doubt brighter than before.

FromAClosetInNorway · 09/08/2024 13:37

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 09/08/2024 10:20

He needs to surrender his driving license as well, although it is suspected the seizure was drug related no-one can know that for sure, plus he can have more drug induced seizures!

Once he has been seizure free for a year he can start driving again. I don’t know if the hospital/gp will inform the DVLA of this. You can phone the GP yourself and tell them that he had a seizure and won’t inform the DVLA - then I think they are obliged to.

Some will say this is harsh / rengence but it really isn’t. He drove himself home after a drug induced seizure. He can not be trusted to make sensible decisions and driving could cost him and others their lives. Next time it could be the day after a big night out and he is behind the wheel when he has a seizure!

I’m sorry your life has been turned upside down like this and it is hard with the fertility treatment. Stay strong and know you are worth more that this. Your life will be better without bad behaviour from drink/drugs.

This is incorrect.

A seizure with no clinical evidence that it will happen again is 6 months.

Non epileptic seizures can be 6 months too. I have a heart condition which causes me to have seizures. I had to be 6 months the seizure free before I get my license back.
My neurologist and cardiologist and GP didn't report to DVLA, or even ask if I drove. I did it myself and went through the channels with them. The DVLA did write to my GP though when I was 6 months seizure free.

Having said that, I think anyone who has had a seizure is very stupid to get behind a wheel, especially the same day or day after. That's absolutely ludicrous and IMO as bad as drink driving.

He needs to stop driving for 6 months OP, if I knew him I'd report him to DVLA myself.

CarsAreExpensive · 09/08/2024 17:40

It's definitely the right choice OP. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of my exDH of 10 years taking drugs secretly while being with me, apparently in social settings only. It has turned into more regular habit, he left for another woman who was also on drugs and became full time addict. All of this came out after he left and his friends came clean to me because of the impact his behaviour was having on our DC. He has not seen them in 6 months as I have put a stop to it. The emotional toll on them was huge, and there was a risk of physical too. He was constantly tired, irritated and used to drive them around ( before I knew he took drugs). You had a lucky escape as even though plenty of people take drugs socially, millions get addicted too. Pressure of having a child, family member dying or work issues can push a person very easily from social to addiction.

Goldcushions2 · 09/08/2024 18:15

OP, you will not regret this bravery, brutal though it is.

He is not father material.
Please don't be tempted to accept and blame in this.
No "we both decided to split up as things just weren't working out".
Screw that.
"I found out he does Class A drugs on a regular basis, resulting in a seizure which put him in hospital....not father material"

Do not cover for this druggy liar who has given you the run a round.

You deserve so much better.

Skye99 · 09/08/2024 22:38

Well done OP. 💐

RappersNeedChapstick · 09/08/2024 23:38

Goldcushions2 · 09/08/2024 18:15

OP, you will not regret this bravery, brutal though it is.

He is not father material.
Please don't be tempted to accept and blame in this.
No "we both decided to split up as things just weren't working out".
Screw that.
"I found out he does Class A drugs on a regular basis, resulting in a seizure which put him in hospital....not father material"

Do not cover for this druggy liar who has given you the run a round.

You deserve so much better.

Absolutely. He does not deserve you lying on his behalf about why you've split.

Cocococoa · 10/08/2024 07:36

northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 08:52

The seizure and all the symptoms around it were drug related. The CT scan was clear otherwise. I was so ashamed I told the doctor how sorry I was for wasting their time and resources.

Show quote history

Um you’ve got nothing to feel ashamed about. Its nice to have apologized on behalf of your (ex?) partner but you yourself have done nothing wrong.

NonsuchCastle · 10/08/2024 18:20

icanseefrombothsidesnow · 09/08/2024 06:33

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit
Agreed. I was just attempting to put a different perspective forward. I, and my friends have always had honest relationships with our husbands.
Obv, NHS advice should be adhered to, but in the real world, it isn't.
I've met many, many people in the course of my social life and career, who take recreational drugs, some without the knowledge of their partner. Many in careers that you would be surprised about. I'd rather it be talked about than lied about or ignored.

It's common knowledge that drug use covers all classes. Nobody is surprised that you and your financially successful friends have taken drugs.
More to the point, as far as OP is concerned, is that they agreed not to do drugs and he has been lying to her regularly for months.

Myeyesrollwaytomuch · 11/08/2024 16:59

Coming from someone who has just spent the past 8 years bringing up 3 children not knowing he was a cocaine addict and it all coming out when I caught him cheating…. Leave him.

TheShiningCarpet · 11/08/2024 17:39

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:46

He is honestly a really good and loving person. If drinking was out of the equation we wouldn't have any issues.
But I'm worried about him keeping things from me. I want to trust him and I hate the idea of being paranoid. That's not who I want to me.

good luck, you will fly without him dragging you down

Goldcushions2 · 11/08/2024 17:48

Myeyesrollwaytomuch · 11/08/2024 16:59

Coming from someone who has just spent the past 8 years bringing up 3 children not knowing he was a cocaine addict and it all coming out when I caught him cheating…. Leave him.

So awful.
My husband was telling me last year about a much younger colleague, early 40's, that seemed like a very normal family man with a chemical engineering degree.
He had a stroke whilst on a golfing trip with some buddies.
Turns out he had a drug habit no one knew about.
He spent 6 months in rehab and hasn't returned to work.
He is living with his elderly parents as his wife refused to have him home.
They are divorcing.
She has 3 children under the age of 6, so very hard.
Unbelievable that you can hide a habit like that from a spouse but apparently he is not alone on that score.
It caused ructions in their circle when it came out.
HDe wasn't the only one doing it and they were all married with young familys.

She refused to be his carer, she had rightly had enough going on with 3 small children.
Correct decision IMO.