Husband didn't tell me

[northchesterforest]

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

I admit to not having read every page, the advice so far has been what I would expect to see (basically give your head a wobble OP) - my thoughts were about the fit, does he drive? Has he seen a Dr? Imagine if you have a child with this man and he has another fit whilst driving them, imagine that OP if you are thinking of his behaviour and deciding to stick around.

No that's not normal

That’s enough. Back off.

OP, try to speak to him without judgement to get the full story. If he has had a fit and was left unconscious the likelihood is he got the fright of his life. The insomnia makes me think that he has taken something though.

OP did you know that most people who are married to alcoholics / people who struggle with a lcohol come from households where their parents also struggled.
The kids struggled when they were young in a dysfunctional household and then they say "it will never happen to me".
Then MOST of them go on to be an alcoholic or marry one.
Its sad. It's like the can't break the cycle.
Read the book 'it will never happen to ME'.
I honestly think he's drinking is just going to get worse
I wouldn't put a baby through having a dad who struggles with his alcohol intake.
And I know you're going to say 'hes not an alcaholic'.
If the alcohol cause issues in his life and with his relationships, he IS!
Read the book, really do, it's very insightful!

In my opinion (from hard and emotionally draining experience!).

Men who habitually take drugs with their mates are not likely to stop, no matter how many times they promise you. This is because it’s normal in their social group (so what’ll happen is it’ll only be when they’re out in that social group). They don’t see it as wrong, but I’m sure soberly do mean all the promises to not do it. Because soberly it’s not a big deal to not do it - but drunkenly they revert back to the ‘norm’ because that’s basically what alcohol does to you.

I would never take drugs when I’m drunk and my inhibitions are lowered because I don’t take drugs and never have.

I fell into this trap with an ex and it was just painful for both - that is what I learned. I also watched 2 close friends really struggle with their husbands when they decided (the women) it was time to settle down, ‘grow up’ etc and while the men were on board with all of that, every time they went out the drugs still happened because it was just ‘what they did’.

The drug taking hasn’t destroyed your relationship, 15 years of lying to you has. I’m really sorry.

In my 20's ALL of my friends and extended social group took recreational drugs, every weekend without fail.

I stopped at 28 and to do so, I had to lose ALL those friends. I kept one because she did the same as me at the same time.

If your husband has finally realised he wants to grow up, he can turn this around and cut them all off and start a fresh, literally.

It can be done and people shouldn't assume that once you've used drugs regularly socially that you won't ever change, lots of people do. But I know that most of my old mates still live that life.

What would you like to happen?

It can’t be done by him. He’s been chronically lying to her for years and probably throwing away her fertile years while lying himself blue about how much he’d like a baby too.

It can’t be done by him. He’s been chronically lying to her for years and probably throwing away her fertile years while lying himself blue about how much he’d like a baby too.

That's true, I never lied to anyone about my weekend antics.
But I met someone at 28 who made it clear that my behaviour wouldn't be tolerated if we were to have a relationship so I made that positive change and thank Christ I did!

this guy met someone who said it was a dealbreaker too. So he lied about it. He won’t change. Leave him to his self created health issues, tell him he could have had a great life but he will die on the floor of a party somewhere while his friends step over his body to keep partying, go celebrate your promotion and the fact that you are a complete human being.

What? You’re just going to minimise that he has a seizure and has felt unwell since? He’s a liar. The OP is enduring fertility treatment. And he needs to see a doctor.

Some people on here are prepared to put up with so much shit. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I hadn't read about the 15 years of lying when I wrote that.

If he drinks too much and does drugs and lies to you and you don’t trust him, why are you trying to have a child with him ?

If you were my friend or daughter I’d be talking you out of having a baby with him based on this conversation alone. The rest just cements my opinion. It WILL get worse once you are pregnant.

@northchesterforest I hope you're OK and taking time to process this.

“My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.” As soon as I read that my first thought was “cocaine” and my second was “lying bastard”. He’s not smoking a bit of weed, cocaine is a nasty drug that makes people arrogant and selfish (or more so than they already are) and it’s very addictive and expensive so people who use it a lot are often compulsive liars because they’re trying to hide it from their families, employers etc. It’s just a massive red flag about his priorities (clearly not you or being a responsible parent) and his ability to lie is worrying.

Do you really want to bring children into this mess? I have a “friend” of a friend who was a coke addict and hid it from everybody. My friend didn’t know about his addiction and took pity on him when he made out the split from his partner was all down to her. He stayed with my friend and his then 12 year old DS until he accidentally left his coke paraphernalia in the bathroom and was swiftly ejected. His partner only found out he was an addict after they’d had two children who are now teenagers and thoroughly fucked up from having a dad who cared more about cocaine than he did them. He comes across so normal, has a respectable job on a massive salary working in IT (apart from the few months he spent in prison for attacking his ex), his DDs want nothing to do with him, he’s lied about his salary to avoid paying child support etc etc etc. I could go on - people like this have no shame and rarely change. Sorry OP but I can’t see it ending well if you have children with this “man”.

You don't have a good relationship if you don't or can't trust him - sorry.

Drinking is very much in the equation as well as drugs and lying to you. We can all dismiss the negatives of someone's personality when we want them to be someone they are not. Before having a child perhaps it would be best to remember the less positives of his personality. A baby will not change him.

Might have done a bit more than coke to have a seizure too.

It would have been over for me as soon as he admitted taking coke . The rest of it just confirms that he’s not fit to be a father and you’re too good for him Op.

I think it's quite unusual for a grown up person (mid-thirties?) to take cocaine for the first time. Just doesn't seem likely.

You have a husband with substance abuse issues whatever the substance. You have known him for 15 years and married him just a year ago. Why?

No exactly that, very unusual - but I think the fact that he’s clearly hidden it well suggests it’s maybe not a huge problem…yet!

Sorry, just read your updates. Don't usually post without rtft.
Hold your head high and make your best choices for the future you want and deserve.

@northchesterforest did he have a head CT?

The detail of your opening is manipulative and shows insecurity. I hope the op doesn’t take this advice, lying to get information smh.

End it.