Husband didn't tell me

[northchesterforest]

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

Just remember that....he didn't give a SHIT about trying for a baby with you, too busy acting like a 23 year old with his mates. I'm sorry. You will find someone worthy of having a child with.

A friend of ours was introduced to coke by a new girlfriend. He had a fit after taking his first line and unfortunately died, he was 43.

How are you doing @northchesterforest ?

I'm ok. Thank you for everyone's support. It's a lot.. we've been together for forever. DH is at his mums.

I am so sorry you have been lied to.
He may have his driving license withdrawn because of the fits.

Thank goodness you are not pregnant as The Lancet says Both paternal and maternal SUD were associated with an increased risk of ID in offspring, with greatest risk observed when AUD was diagnosed ...

I'm sorry OP. What a horrible shock.

Sorry you’ve had to go through this op, and all the detective work on top because he would t be honest.
please don’t waste any more of your precious life with this loser, he does not have the same goals as you and ultimately is not good enough for you.
i had a baby with a alcoholic, I left when my son was small; it was easier to leave than stay with someone who could not be trusted to be honest or keep us or even himself safe.

Like there's anything worthwhile going on in there......

You dodged a bullet OP. You won't get those years back but you're still very lucky.

I agree, plus he was drinking, possibly quite a lot and coke and drugs can be a toxic combination.

He will be fine, op, this was a one off fit, but I do understand your trust issues.

It sounds as though he has frightened himself and I doubt he will do that again.

There's no such thing as too sensitive about drugs or even alcohol, imo, if that's a dealbreaker for you. You don't have to accept that, if it's not something you want in your life.

When you're feeling up to dating again, it's okay to make your boundaries clear early on to weed out the ones who don't meet this basic requirement. It may narrow your field of options, but there are men who will be on the same wavelength.

@WitchyBits If I was you, I'd sit him down and say " well I've just had an interesting phone conversation about the stag do. You need to tell me absolutely everything and this is your only chance " and then sit back in silence and wait for him to spill his guts.
Oh come on, is this amateur hour or what? Where's your exploitation of human behaviour, deference to superior authority, opportunities to rationalise, devaluation of information, flattery and exoneration, belittling of cherished individuals? Why aren't you using direct statements, stressing the futility of withholding information, where's your tiny carrot and big stick, your petit pois and sledgehammer? What about rapid-fire questioning, goalpost shifting, and subject changing so as he gets overwhelmed by stress and blurts something out which he didn't mean to admit? Pride and Ego up/down? Simulated temperamental outbursts?

Honestly, if you're not willing to do this properly then I've no sympathy for you when the only thing that males ever say to you is along the lines of "2106xxx2 SHARPE, TROOPER, 13/11/197x, NO RELIGION SIR, I AM NOT AT LIBERTY TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION SIR".

Try not to feel like shit. You are not stupid or an idiot. You just wanted to trust your husband. He has totally let you down, lied to you, betrayed your agreement.

You are doing the right thing by asking for advice and opinions and it's obvious you are listening. You are going to be alright.

I get it that he is "loving" etc, but he is also a really really irresponsible, selfish liar with no respect for you when it comes to what he wants to do.

p.s. I would not bloody be kind to him. He needs to sort himself out. You can't make him. He has to do it and he won't if you forgive him and are all "kind" and understanding. Best of luck to you.

She might, though. Some people do leave.

She didn't say it was all his friend's fault. As well as being furious with her husband she is also furious with the friend for his part.

What a pair of nasty women you two are. Like knitters at an execution.

northchesterforest, ignore snarky comments like that. They are not made by happy, kind people.

Remember he will lie and promise and charm you. Be strong.

❤️❤️

From your description, OP, he is an alcoholic cokehead. I hope that in your situation I would run away and stay away.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. Your request was reasonable. H isn’t , he won’t change - his love for his friends, drugs and drink are too intoxicating.

Stay strong and don’t fall for his lies. He’s shown you who he really is & any life with a man like him would be miserable

I've NC for this. I hope your husband is ok. I'm coming from a different perspective and will get flamed for it but....here goes:
I was heavily involved in the acid house / house movement which started in 1988 when I was 17. I met my husband at a London club in 89. We, and all our friends took a lot of Es and coke. We travelled a lot including seasons in Ibiza, Australia, India and Thailand. We all went on to have professional jobs, bought houses in London in our late 20s and a few are millionaires now - lots of different career paths. We all have young adult children who are at uni or in successful careers, including Law and Education and Police.
Recreational drug use does not make someone a bad parent in my experience. We all were/are great parents; I was on my children's school PTA and was a school governor, whilst working as a civil servant and then on the SLT of a London independent school. I'm now self employed as is my husband, he is earning £200 ph. My children excelled in their extra curricular activities: horse riding, musical theatre, cricket, football, athletics. They are very well adjusted, confident, sociable young adults who are en route to be on the property ladder in London by the time they are 30, as we were. Most of our friends children are the same.
Taking coke will often keep you awake but doesn't usually cause seizures. But Withdrawing from alcohol does. MDMA (E but in powder form) and Ket can.
Therefore, I don't see it as a deal breaker. But you need to talk.
I don't take coke anymore and i stopped taking E when I was trying to conceive 26yrs ago. No drugs including alcohol were taken when trying to conceive nor when I was pregnant or BF. We did indulge afterwards but our babies were with our parents overnight (we are very lucky in that both sets of grandparents were more than happy to babysit when we went out once a month)
My husband still takes coke when he goes out occasionally. Our children are very health conscious and don't really drink and don't smoke. Both are in relationships and have great social lives. Neither take drugs (we would know- making cheese on toast and conversing with your parents at 4am is not what a coke/ket uses does)
We are still close friends with those we met in our teens.
We did 'work hard, play hard' as was the norm working/living in London through the 90s/00s.
I wish you and your husband well. Set your boundaries, both whilst trying to conceive and when you become parents. But, I can assure you, cocaine use is rife.
More people I know became addicted to alcohol and a few have died prematurely, very sadly. I wish alcohol was much less widely available.
You obv have a solid relationship and I hope you can get through this. My husband and I have been together since 1989 and married since 2000.

Ps I'm not condoning recreational drug use, I've seen the devastation it can cause but, I think it's only right to have a balanced view. My parents never took drugs, my mum has never drunk alcohol or smoked, neither has my dad (alcohol occasionally) I had a wonderful childhood and am still very close to my parents, as are all my friends.

icanseefrombothsidesnow
I'm not being funny but I don't think your lived experience and that of your husbands will ever become standard NHS advice on cocaine use/misuse.
Cocaine affects your whole body but specifically impacts on your heart, of which we have one , and which pumps blood round our bodies. I would not myself want to fuck around with my hearts normal operation.
Seriously OP I hope you are OK, this is a totally shattering experience for you.
I think you sound fabulous by the way so I am sure you will go from this point with strength.

All best wishes from a random Internet stranger.

This is the underlying current in your relationship - he hides things from you.

Why? Is he being his honest true self with you? Are there communication issues? Is he OK enough but needs the let-out of lying?

TTC is an all round challenge & this can put considerable pressure on a relationship. This on top of unresolved issues can intensify underlying anxieties & tensions.

This may be hard to consider, but I suggest that you pause your fertility programme until you both have resolved matters between you, & that you do this promptly by undertaking couple counselling.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit
Agreed. I was just attempting to put a different perspective forward. I, and my friends have always had honest relationships with our husbands.
Obv, NHS advice should be adhered to, but in the real world, it isn't.
I've met many, many people in the course of my social life and career, who take recreational drugs, some without the knowledge of their partner. Many in careers that you would be surprised about. I'd rather it be talked about than lied about or ignored.