Husband didn't tell me

[northchesterforest]

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

@northchesterforest I skipped a page…

Just seen your post above.
I am sad that this has all come to light & that your uncertainty about trusting him was well placed.

I wish you all the best.

It's not dramatic to be upset that your husband took drugs, had a fit and then lied to you about both of these things, when you are trying to expand your family together.

My prediction for the day: You will go and 'really think about everything that has been said here'. Genuinely, you will. You will feel distraught and worried. Then, after a little water has passed under the bridge, you'll carry on with your conviction that he's a great guy who just drinks a bit much. This was really a one off and he was just so pressured by his mates on that one holiday. You'll continue to be blinded by your own want for a baby and a marriage, and you'll bring your child into a home with problematic alcohol and drug use, and lies. You'll have what you wanted, but you'll keep coming to Mumsnet and posting the occasional update on what this useless excuse for a man has done this year. It won't be too frequent, or he knows you might actually wake up, just frequent enough for you to look back sadly at your life and wish it had all been a bit different. But hey, it's probably all going to be worth it because, other than the drink and drugs, he's fab. Oh yes, and the lies. But other than that a true prince amongst men. He'll be a great Daddy. Good luck with your choice.

(Your alternative choice - wake the actual fuck up and get some therapy to work out why staying, never mind trying to get pregnant, is even slightly the option that made sense to you)

If you've read her updates, you'll know she's done, he's at his mum's and she's sad but enforcing a boundary she's always had and he knew about.

Your post is just nasty.

I’m so so sorry OP but you deserve so much better. Stay strong and picture your life in 3 years time. Would you really want him there or would you be thinking that you could have got out 3 years before (when you had a huge wake up call) and be living a much happier life, away from all the lies, mistrust and worry?

Can you imagine attending that wedding with all those people who know how he’s been lying to you?

Keep your resolve (easier said than done I know) but you will be better off in the long run. Onwards and upwards x

Did A&E reach any conclusions about the seizure?

Giving you a huge hug @northchesterforest
You've had a massive shock.

He's led you to believe it was only his friends doing drugs. You've put your body through hell to hopefully prepare for a baby and he can't even keep the marching powder out of his nose.

I'm glad he's at his mum's and that you've got space to think, as you've got so much to process.

I've read @icanseefrombothsidesnow post and there is so much in there I agree with. I know a lot of very successful professionals who took everything going back in the 90s. Most of them still do MDMA on a big night out and coke at least once a fortnight. They'll only have a beer or 2, as alcohol isn't their stimulant of choice.

I wasn't aware of how prevalent drug taking was around me until I found out about one person and then I asked more questions of other friends. My friends knew my strong stance on hating drugs, so just didn't tell me what they were doing. They're still great people.

The difference is I wasn't in a relationship with them, and led to believe they weren't taking drugs. Being lied to by omission in that situation is different to a partner.

I've been on MN long enough to know that the loud and clear voice you hear is that even being near a joint means you are the scum of the earth who is a drug addict. Hardly anyone on MN can contemplate that they know anyone who may use drugs recreationally.
This simply is not the case. I was extremely surprised when I started asking my questions as to how many around me regularly do, or did, coke. My most shocking was the headteacher who told me that he and 6 other headteachers always did a few lines together at their termly conferences.

If drugs is your absolute hard line, then I'm sorry things are over between you two.

If, like @icanseefrombothsidesnow and I, you see drugs as a stimulant, then there's a chance things may be able to be worked out between you.

If he'd banged his head as he'd been pissed out of his skull, would you still see it the same way?

Wishing you the best.

Of course he can do what he likes.
But he doesn't have to lie
She doesn't have to stay with him
He wants to take drugs and lie about it
She wants an honest man she can trust
There's nothing dramatic about it.

OP I wish you well.

.

The seizure and all the symptoms around it were drug related. The CT scan was clear otherwise. I was so ashamed I told the doctor how sorry I was for wasting their time and resources.

What have you decided to do? I’m so sorry that he has been lying to you for years.

Are you staying with him @northchesterforest?

You've sunk a lot of years and time into this relationship to end up with someone who you can't trust.

He's not being a good husband and I don't think he'll make a good Dad.

I understand as I have friends who take drugs. I feel differently as they are adults in their own relationships and they can choose a path for themselves.
I do feel the same about dangerous drinking. I drink and get a bit drunk sometimes on a night out, but I'm the same person and I'm always safe. DH has got into very unsafe situations in the past through alcohol and into messes where he is completely out of it on a night out. So I do feel the same about that and we have had second and third chance conversations before.

It's the lying I can't get past now, and the circumstances around what I'm doing TTC and how disrespected I feel.

Make sure not to waste more of your life with this guy either. You deserve so much more.

It's the lying I can't get past now, and the circumstances around what I'm doing TTC and how disrespected I feel

So what are you going to do? You've already given him a third chance? He really doesn't have any respect for your feelings or boundaries does he?

We are going our separate ways. I've got space now to think now and focus on me and my next steps.

Good luck

Definitely the right decision, you don't want someone with drink, drug and lying issues as your baby's dad.

The difference was I didn't think he lied before. I would have trusted him completely, even when he confessed to making mistakes.

You have had a huge shock and I just wanted to wish you all the best on your path. You are better off but it’s still not easy. Good luck to you x x

I also have friends and acquaintances who take illegal drugs / get dangerously drunk. I actively chose not to be in a romantic relationship with any of them because that is emphatically something I do not want in building a life with someone, or as a father to my children.

I am attracted to what I consider to be (and I'm sure some will take offence to this) proper, competent, stable grown-ups and however much I might care for friends who continue to dip this sort of thing, to me this disqualified you from that label.

Others may feel differently, which is up to them, but it sounds like you feel the same. If so, it is conpletely legitimate to feel that way.

That's before you even get to the lying. Once trust is broken, on something this fundamental that he knew was a boundary for you, for me it is gone forever. It's not even a one-off mistake or moment of weakness. He had lied to you consistently and repeatedly for an easy life and getting to have his cake and eat it, regardless of your wants, needs and agency. That's a deep-set character trait (flaw) and for that reason I'd be showing him the door.

I'd much rather be by myself than in a relationship where those things are a feature.

Then I wish you well. There is no future if the trust has gone.

Be good to yourself as you get over this break up.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I just wanted to add, I worked on a specialist stroke ward,we had guys late 20s to 40s having a stroke caused by drug abuse. My own stupid DD in her 40s, (yes high powered job in Banking) mostly coke, she had worrying symptoms,an MRI which was negative. Did rehab,swore she would never do it again! Changed jobs, moved away from the city, and temptation. To be honest, I don't even ask her anymore. I told her my experience, without lectures because she is an adult.

I think that's definitely the right thing to do.

It will be tough, you've been with him a long time but remember whatever he says to you, he has form for lying.

@northchesterforest The first thing I thought of when he said he'd not slept for two nights was ''Stimulants''

Coke is cut with all sorts - It is also really cardiotoxic, especially in conjunction with alcohol.

Hopefully he won't be so daft again.