To not want to get into a swimsuit on a 4th date

[Sundaycoffee]

4th date with a guy I met online and he's suggested a date at the spa (he's a member and gets guest passes) where they have an outdoor pool. Not sure how comfortable I feel parading around in a swimming costume in front of him yet. We have only kissed so far, so he's only seen my body fully clothed. I'm a size 12 and have a few insecurities about my pear shaped body! AIBU?

It's important to go at your pace. Do what you feel comfortable with. Otherwise how can you trust yourself and other people if you just ignore how you feel.

I think you should work on how you feel about your body though. Size 12 is great! Pear shaped is very much in at the moment too.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to refuse any kind of a date. I have no body insecurities, but I loathe spas. I’d be saying ‘No, thanks. How about [something entirely different]?’

Sarong? Large towel? Unless you only have sex in the dark in a relationship he will see your body at some point.. And he should count himself bloody lucky if he does!!

Nah far too intimate of a date this early on for so many reasons. I'd not want the first time seeing them half naked to be in public, what if I really fancy him and then there's just hours of tension because I can't actually do anything about it? People in swimsuits in a spa can't kiss or even flirt really as it is really vile for all others attending. So you could end up having a fairly straight laced date in terms of behaviour but with physically very little on. Odd.

Just say no thanks. He’s just trying to move things along towards sex. Spa is quite clever and cheap for him if he gets free passes. my friend doesn’t like spas, nothing to do with body image, she has a great body- just says she doesn’t like sitting about in a wet costume which is fair enough.

I looovvve an outdoor swimming pool - I'd be straight on it no matter what size I am. I say - go - and lucky you!

You do whatever makes you feel most comfortable but I'd love that as a date. Great idea.

I’m sure you’re gorgeous however not unreasonable. I don’t think I’d have liked this even on date 50!! Getting naked for sex is one thing, walking around in swimwear (when not in 35 degrees in a pool in Spain) is another matter!

“Pear shaped is very much in at the moment too.”

Very much in at the moment, I know you’re trying to make OP feel better but what a stupid comment.

OP, if you don't want to go, don't go. It early is that simple.

Hebprobably hasn't even considered whether you'd feel comfortable because he doesn't see anything wrong with you.

He’s just trying to move things along towards sex.

I loathe a spa day but I've been dragged along a couple of times. Sex has not been involved.

Spa is quite clever and cheap for him if he gets free passes

And another ridiculous comment.

He obviously likes going to the spa and assumes the OP might too. It's something he finds enjoyable so suggested it as a date. What's the fact he gets free passes got tp do with anything? Not every date has to be expensive!

@Health47

😂

Rude!

But true. We shouldn't be allowing that a woman's body shape is in or out of fashion.
OP as said, go at your own pace.

I don’t think it’s so bad if you’re wearing a costume. It’s not like he’s suggested the sauna. Could you get one of those dress things to wear over it (forget what they’re called)

I mean obviously don’t go if you don’t want to, say you just don’t fancy it, but I don’t think it’s a weird idea (for a fourth date anyway)

It’s totally up to you: if you don’t fancy it (it feels off kilter to me too) just suggest something different. I don’t think we can asssume His motivation :it could be anything from ‘I fancy her and it’s a chance to see more of her’ to y sister tells me spa days are the best - what a nice way to treat my date, without looking like I’m throwing money around’ To ‘I bloody love a swim and a chill - that’s a bit of a different suggestion for a date’.

I agree with you, how can a body shape be in fashion, what a ludicrous thought. Strong, fit, these are aspirational, desirable. But how on earth can pear, apple, whatever be in fashion.

If you feel uncomfortable and don't want to do it just tell him you would prefer something else.

I swim regularly so I am completely used to wearing a swimsuit in public so it wouldn't bother me at all, it's the sort of date I'd love. But if it's not for you then kick that can down the road and suggest something else.

Honestly this place is so annoying. Man offers spa passes = predator. Great.

I don't think there's any issue with him suggesting it, I'd love a date like this personally but if you're not comfortable, of course just suggest something else.

And he's cheap
Because you have to spend a fortune on every date clearly

It’s sunny weather and he thought you’d like the swimming pool and a holiday vibe. Sounds lovely offer. Can you get a sarong and go for it? I imagine there will be all shapes and sizes there so you won’t feel awkward when there?

If you don't feel comfortable, don't go.

Is he an incel? Some of them have a swimming pool test to see what a woman looks like without makeup on.

I have a FIRST date at a spa this week. Obviously a ruse to see me in my bikini at the outset, but I’m here for it 😂 (I look good in a bikini!)

OP, just go for it. It’s fun, flirty, sexy.