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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get into a swimsuit on a 4th date

153 replies

Sundaycoffee · 07/08/2024 08:23

4th date with a guy I met online and he's suggested a date at the spa (he's a member and gets guest passes) where they have an outdoor pool. Not sure how comfortable I feel parading around in a swimming costume in front of him yet. We have only kissed so far, so he's only seen my body fully clothed. I'm a size 12 and have a few insecurities about my pear shaped body! AIBU?

OP posts:
Snoopdoggyd · 07/08/2024 10:53

Dressinggowntime · 07/08/2024 08:34

Just say no thanks. He’s just trying to move things along towards sex. Spa is quite clever and cheap for him if he gets free passes. my friend doesn’t like spas, nothing to do with body image, she has a great body- just says she doesn’t like sitting about in a wet costume which is fair enough.

Bit weird if he didn't want to move things towards sex.

Just say you don't fancy it yet, maybe a date for the future, and suggest something else.

It's a nice suggestion imho but not unreasonable for you to suggest something else

ScottBakula · 07/08/2024 10:53

BetteLaSwet · 07/08/2024 10:09

Any idea when apples are due a comeback?!

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I am still waiting for the "Tree Trunk with lumps stuck on " look to come into fashion 😆

Franjipanl8r · 07/08/2024 10:54

I’d love a spa date so he’s not wrong for asking. But if it’s not your thing just suggest something else, no big deal.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 07/08/2024 10:54

I don’t wax or shave any part of my body and have a nasty rash at the moment. I think a spa would pay me to leave their premises at the moment! Smile

It’s absolutely fine to say no thank you to any date that you don’t want to go on.

samarrange · 07/08/2024 10:55

IslaDrive · 07/08/2024 09:54

Reminds me of my friend who was studying for a PHD in Strasbourg.

Her FIRST date with a new man was to a sauna.

She was comfortable with a swimsuit - but mortified that, in Europe, unbeknown to her, it is quite usual for spas and saunas to be naked.

I'm slightly surprised to read this. I used to live in Strasbourg and have been to quite a few saunas on both the French and German sides of the border. In France people are hardly ever naked. On the other hand you could be sitting naked in a sauna in Germany and the French people would come in wearing swimwear and get dirty looks from everyone else. Then they would start talking loudly as well and get tutted at (Germans take saunas very seriously, it's like a library, albeit a nude one).

OhTediosity · 07/08/2024 11:03

BigPussyEnergy · 07/08/2024 10:02

It isn’t mad, it’s a thing!

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Sadly it's absolutely a 'thing' and I've heard it picked up younger and younger boys and men.

'Take her swimming on the first date' is the usual phrase. Impossible to say whether it applies here, of course, but equally unhelpful to mock pp.

toomanytonotice · 07/08/2024 11:08

GreyCarpet · 07/08/2024 08:40

Spa is quite clever and cheap for him if he gets free passes

And another ridiculous comment.

He obviously likes going to the spa and assumes the OP might too. It's something he finds enjoyable so suggested it as a date. What's the fact he gets free passes got tp do with anything? Not every date has to be expensive!

Plus the stereotypical trope that every woman books themselves in for a spa day as a massive treat. Words like “pamper” and “relax” flying about.

even here every time a woman has a shit time with husbands, kids, friends etc it’s “book yourself in for a spa day”

i met dh in a swim session so my only advice is if you like spa days go. If you don’t, say no. Everything else is overthinking.

ClaudineMallory · 07/08/2024 11:10

Turn up in a Victorian bathing costume to flummox him!

Izzynohopanda · 07/08/2024 11:14

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/08/2024 09:26

I'd refuse a spa date at any time in a relationship, been once and I was bored shitless.

Me too. Never seen the appeal. Would rather a nice walk ending in a pub lunch.

Lilliesandjasmine · 07/08/2024 11:16

I’m also chuckling at the responses, particularly the one about him trying to move it to sex. Who knew a spa day was foreplay. Or that moving to sex was such a crime. 😂

Edingril · 07/08/2024 11:20

toomanytonotice · 07/08/2024 11:08

Plus the stereotypical trope that every woman books themselves in for a spa day as a massive treat. Words like “pamper” and “relax” flying about.

even here every time a woman has a shit time with husbands, kids, friends etc it’s “book yourself in for a spa day”

i met dh in a swim session so my only advice is if you like spa days go. If you don’t, say no. Everything else is overthinking.

Edited
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I do think there could be an announcement about the world ending and people would suggest 'go for a spa day'

It does seem most suggestions female related are about looks and 'pampering'

Lovemycat2023 · 07/08/2024 11:42

Up to you if you don’t want to go, and completely understand the body insecurity. But it’s a nice suggestion on his part (maybe for a later date) and pretty sure if he likes you he will think you are gorgeous in your swimsuit. Hope that’s come across the way I mean it to!

BobbyBiscuits · 07/08/2024 11:58

If I were you I'd go along but wear shorts and t-shirt, or shorts over a high necked swimming costume. And bring a large towel!
But obviously if you don't feel comfortable you should just say you'd rather do something else (suggest the something else and offer to book it)
If he likes you he shouldn't care where you have your date.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 07/08/2024 11:58

BigPussyEnergy · 07/08/2024 10:00

I love a spa but wouldn’t go with a man I was casually dating. It’s one of those misogynistic‘catfishing’ memes isn’t it, “if you want to know what she looks like without all her make up etc take her on a date at a swimming pool”.

Fuck that.

He either wants to check out your body and make sure you’re not hiding anything he doesn’t like under clothes and make up, or he’s got absolutely no idea about the hang ups most of us have about our bodies, which shows a staggering lack of empathy for the female experience!

Either way, if he’s otherwise a decent man then suggest something else. If there’s even the vaguest hint that this might be him trying to see you ‘au naturel’ to decide if you’re worthy of dating then bin him off.

Yes. Agree with all of this. Really encapsulates why I think this is weird and wrong and why I wouldn’t ever do it.

Edingril · 07/08/2024 12:00

BobbyBiscuits · 07/08/2024 11:58

If I were you I'd go along but wear shorts and t-shirt, or shorts over a high necked swimming costume. And bring a large towel!
But obviously if you don't feel comfortable you should just say you'd rather do something else (suggest the something else and offer to book it)
If he likes you he shouldn't care where you have your date.

The same could be said about the op, if the op liked him it wouldn't matter where they go

Why does it only work for him?

sweetpickle2 · 07/08/2024 12:05

You can decline a date for whatever reason you like, but if you keep dating him, he'll be seeing you in much less than a cossie at some point.

Lilliesandjasmine · 07/08/2024 12:05

ISpyNoPlumPie · 07/08/2024 11:58

Yes. Agree with all of this. Really encapsulates why I think this is weird and wrong and why I wouldn’t ever do it.

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Talk about over thinking, it’s a day at a spa, going for a swim, not some nefarious act. They are dating. 😂

BobbyBiscuits · 07/08/2024 12:07

@Edingril presumably the other activities they might decide to partake in don't involve being semi naked?

80smonster · 07/08/2024 12:11

Wish I was size 12… I’d probably go, but I love swimming. As others have said a spa is a public setting. I wouldn’t have interpreted the invite in any way other than he wants to spend time with you. Don’t you want to see him in his trunks? Couldn’t you wear a robe, so you’re either in the pool or wearing a dressing gown?

missshilling · 07/08/2024 12:16

It's a nice suggestion imho but not unreasonable for you to suggest something else

This is what I think too. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but I’m not the OP.

lifeisnotstraigtforward · 07/08/2024 12:28

Biffbaff · 07/08/2024 09:21

Is he an incel? Some of them have a swimming pool test to see what a woman looks like without makeup on.

This was exactly my thought, the get them wet test!

boredybored · 07/08/2024 12:36

Get some shorts or a swimsuit with a skirt and get a tan .
Or don't go .

Konstantine8364 · 07/08/2024 12:38

It's a nice date suggestion, but totally fine if it's not right for you! I'd love this, but I hate the cinema as a date 🤷‍♀️

GogAndMagog · 07/08/2024 12:52

Blablablabladibla · 07/08/2024 08:25

It's important to go at your pace. Do what you feel comfortable with. Otherwise how can you trust yourself and other people if you just ignore how you feel.

I think you should work on how you feel about your body though. Size 12 is great! Pear shaped is very much in at the moment too.

Edited

Pear shaped is 'in' ?

Good to know.

I'll put a sticker on my body, like a piece of meat and say 'popular body size for your enjoyment' 😅😤🧐

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 07/08/2024 13:20

Don’t go if you don’t want to. But unless he’s never seen a woman naked before, he will have a pretty good idea what your body looks like under your clothes, so a bit of cellulite or fat around the tummy isn’t going to surprise him!

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