To not want to get into a swimsuit on a 4th date

[Sundaycoffee]

4th date with a guy I met online and he's suggested a date at the spa (he's a member and gets guest passes) where they have an outdoor pool. Not sure how comfortable I feel parading around in a swimming costume in front of him yet. We have only kissed so far, so he's only seen my body fully clothed. I'm a size 12 and have a few insecurities about my pear shaped body! AIBU?

Silly but true 🤷‍♀️

If you don't know this then you obviously don't have many male friends or even brothers for the matter

@Sundaycoffee

If you don’t want to go, say so.

don’t make a drama out of it.

if he likes you, he wants to spend time with you. He isn’t planning to have sex with you in a swimming pool full of people he sees regularly! … just can’t share his hobby. in a nice place, without hosting him or you a fortune & perhaps a glimpse of something you could do regularly together.

If it’s a gym/healthclub (bannatynes/David Lloyd) please DO NOT wear a sarong!! … you’d look a right weirdo & a sure fire way for people to look at you, which is presumably what you’re trying to avoid. Wear a nice costume (or bikini) & just get on with it. & consider lunch afterwards… if it’s a health club you’re fully clothed for that. If it’s a spa you maybe in a soggy robe!

If you don't want to do a spa day this early on suggest another date activity! It takes so much effort and expense to be swimsuit ready it's urrgh! I'm low maintenance and married but a spur of the moment suggestion of swimming or donning swim attire other than my drysuit takes time, effort and expense. He may think it's a lovely pamper session ( leading to bedroom activities) but if not comfortable suggest alternative activities that suit you better.

I’d probably feel slightly like livestock at a county show because he’ll be evaluating you as a physical specimen. I guess that’s normal to some degree even fully clothed; but I’d probably prefer the buffer of knowing each other as people a little more than just four dates before I donned my skimpies. That said, I’m sure he hasn’t got bad intent in suggesting the spa ; thats just the reality of what will happen when you stride out in your bathing suit. Even as a child I was aghast at those swimsuit competitions: it’s a bit dehumanising I think. I’d ignore the pear shape insecurity. Even if you felt perfect ( as I ALMOST did as a teen) there’s still something that made me squeamish about being ogled.

I feel you need to have a conversation with him to explain how you feel. If he's a gentleman then he will understand and choose somewhere else to go.
You can maybe look for a all female spa and visit and see how you feel.

You don't have to accept his invitation However if you feel insecure about your body, then don't. Personally I love a spa day. There will be lots if other people there. But if its not for you just tell him but thank him fir the offer. Feel sorry for those who believe he is just trying to move onto a sexual relationship. They must have met some really awful men. Apart from which intimate contact is forbidden at any Spa.

interesting comments! Maybe he suggested it to understand if it’s something you would enjoy together… he obviously does as a member? Maybe he is just trying to flex the free membership 🤣 At the end of the day I would be more so thinking after the dates you’ve had about whether I like him or not and interested in pursuing it! I would prefer something like this to watching a film I don’t want to see at the cinema? I do think the comments suggesting he is a perpetrator or just trying to see you with no clothes on a bit judgemental!

Hi OP-I had exactly the same situation last year (he doesn't live in Worcestershire by any chance?) and I opted not to. It was at a fancy gym and I felt that it would be full of honed gym people.

I've been to said gym several times since with friends and whilst I felt self conscious at first, It disappeared soon enough.

I'm not sure why a lot of people assumes this man I a sex predator, maybe just completely innocent and hadn't thought you might be uncomfortable chatting to someone you hardly know in your swimmers.

Just plan something else , you can always use spa in a year or so if you are still together.
It doesn't tell you if his intentions are honourable or not, but just seeing his response might.
I have two male and two female adult children, my girls would feel exactly like you but I know my boys would think " hey, free passes, what a great date, sisters would like a spa so why wouldnt my date " they wouldn't think, oh it might be uncomfortable... although their sisters would tell them .
Don't right him off, unless it's feels sleazy, just say no.

Personally, I hate spa days. I don't see the point of them. If I wanted to sit around in a dressing gown, I can do that at home 😂

But these comments....

He’s just trying to move things along towards sex -My best friend is constantly inviting me on a spa day. Now I know the true reason, she clearly wants to have sex with me!!

Spa is quite clever and cheap for him if he gets free passes - obviously he's ignoring dating rule no.3: spend a bloody fortune

Pear shaped is very much in at the moment too. - unless OP is a shape shifter this is a ridiculous comment to make!

Sounds like a lovely idea to me, and quite frankly if you don't want to reveal your body in a swimsuit by date 4, I would question whether it is the right relationship for you. If he's the one you should feel comfortable by this point

@Lesleymumof3kids

What prep to go swimming especially when married? I simply pick up my bikini and my towel. You see all sorts too at our pool (outdoor). I do shave my legs periodically i promise but seriously I go on a whim often

I am old and I take my grandchildren swimming two or three times a week. It is a Learner pool so swimmers are above the water a fair amount. I talk to lots of the regulars, mums, dads and grandparents, everyone is very friendly. I have no idea how good they do or don't look in a swimsuit. No one is at all self conscious which is very freeing.
Swimming is great. I must admit I think it is a good idea for a date. Although I can't imagine it being a particularly sexy experience. I do think any exercise puts you in an upbeat mood because it is fun.
I have an old body but I love that it works and being in the water makes me feel powerful.
I would hate to go to a dressy event and feel under pressure to look sexy. I know I would feel self conscious. Yet, I never feel uncomfortable in a pool and in a sensible swim costume.

Honestly, lets say he goes off you after seeing you in a swimming costume, wouldn’t you rather find out sooner rather than later? Personally I think he just thinks it’s something you would like. If you don’t want to go because you don’t want to go thats reason enough to turn it down. However if it’s about being seen in a bathing suit I would say just bite the bullet. Nothing wrong with a size 12. I’m on holiday and there are so many different types of bodies, it’s a lovely reminder that as awful as I feel in a swimming costume my body is just that. There are a few out here with perfect bodies but most of us are a bit lumpy and cellulitey.

Love this, my body as a storage box for what is really me. 😍

Many a good product has gone unsold due to crap packaging.

Honestly @Stravaig, I am a lot older than @Fairyliz and I love my body far more now than when I was young and slender. It works, it runs and walks and cycles and swims and picks up my grandchildren and throws them in the air and catches them when they jump in the pool.
I feel completely unselfconscious in my swim costume.
I have been married for ever and I know I wouldn't like a man who didn't want to be active.
I would be hopeless at a posh, dressy event.I would feel lumpen and old fashioned and awkward. I am not elegant, slender and attractive. A swimming pool, however , is a great equaliser and I can bounce around and swim and come home with a huge smile on my face.

This in spades: there seems to be a huge divide here between people who swim regularly with friends /acquaintances and people who only put on a swimsuit when they’re on holiday somewhere hot! What on earth is “swimsuit-ready?” 😂

@Sundaycoffee as loads of folk have already said, don’t go if you don’t want to.

I look after my grandchildren every Saturday morning so my daughter and husband can do Park Run. It is their weekly date. They love it.
If one doesn't feel up to it they walk it with the children. I live the atmosphere at Park Run. It is so accepting. It would make a great date.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this. Just do things at your own pace.

I suspect I’ma member of the same gym chain. Outdoor swimming in this weather before a nice dinner out would be a great date IMO. I’d turn down the sauna though - hot enough already.

If it’s an hour at the pool then dinner, it’sa lovely date. If it’s hours of being at the spa, it’sa bit awkward.

Such a healthy, loving, joyful approach to life!

I'm early 50's, but several years of illness is giving me a crash course. Any hour in which my body and brain function somewhat as they used to is becoming so, so precious, while all the rest is frustrating, enraging, quietly terrifying. Accepting and embracing the non- or barely functioning hours too ... well, I'm nowhere near graduation yet.

Thank you @Grapesichord and @Fairyliz for the inspiration x

This thread 😆
Op, if you don’t like the date suggestion, you need to tell him. However, as spa memberships are quite expensive, this is something that he will most likely want to continue to do when/if you form a relationship. My spa has an outdoor pool and we lounge it around it like we’re at a beach club on holiday. I would love a date at a spa, and would offer my free passes for a date (if I didn’t have a DH) because it’s a beautiful setting, drink service is good, and it’s a cheap date!

OP, just say no to the spa if you don't feel comfortable, and suggest something else, no explanation required. Like other pps, to me spas are generally boring, and also quite intimate to go as a couple. Alone or with a group of friends would be more likely for me.

ps. Is the date intended for the outdoor pool (great) which happens to be in a spa (boring/intimate), or is the spa is the focus?

Weird. You don’t do it, if you aren’t comfortable.
I guess people don’t sit on beaches, sunbathe, go swimming at the public baths any more if wearing a swimsuit causes so much angst. No skimpy tops and shorts on a summers day? Has the world gone all. Victorian when I wasn’t looking? 😀

However, bemused as I am, you only do what you want to do, wear what you want to wear and trust where you feel comfortable trusting. No point feeling self conscious or miserable or vulnerable on a date, wherever it is.