To not want to get into a swimsuit on a 4th date

[Sundaycoffee]

4th date with a guy I met online and he's suggested a date at the spa (he's a member and gets guest passes) where they have an outdoor pool. Not sure how comfortable I feel parading around in a swimming costume in front of him yet. We have only kissed so far, so he's only seen my body fully clothed. I'm a size 12 and have a few insecurities about my pear shaped body! AIBU?

It is up to you and you shouldn't do anything you feel uncomfortable doing BUT when I was younger and dating I always thought that it was ideal to meet someone for the first time at a pool or beach so we could check out eachothers bodies straight away and see if we fancied eachother, plus any wobbly bits wouldn't come as a shock later if things progressed.
Not that I had many wobbly bits back then

I'd refuse a spa date at any time in a relationship, been once and I was bored shitless.

You’re not unreasonable to have insecurities, everyone does.

You’re also not unreasonable to suggest an alternative if you think it’s a shit idea for a date and would rather do something else.

That being said - does the date idea sound fun? Would you enjoy it if you weren’t worried about your body? Because if so, I would really encourage you to take the very courageous step of trying not to let body insecurity stop you from living your life to the full. Don’t exclude yourself from experiences just because you worry you don’t have the body for them. You deserve to live a life that is every bit as full of fun and variety as a person with a perfect body (as if such a thing even exists).

I can also almost guarantee that the bloke in question isn’t going to be looking at you in a swimsuit and thinking you’re hideous. He already finds you attractive or you wouldn’t be going on date 4. I am very far from having a conventionally attractive body and yet several men have very willingly and enthusiastically had relationships and / or sex with me in which they clearly found me desirable. You don’t have to be thin or toned or perfectly proportioned to be attractive.

I'd just light heartedly tell him what you've told us!

😂They're adults on a 4th date.. I'm presuming they are "moving towards sex" already!!! Jesus some people on here 😂

Anyway @Sundaycoffee , do what you feel comfortable with. However, I would say that this bloke already fancies you and will know your body size and shape already (and will see it soon enough anyway if things do "move towards sex" 😂) so I would go for it!!!

Get a lovely flattering swimsuit for your size, maybe a sarong or a sheer throwover shirt for getting in and out of the pool and have fun!!!!

🙄

YANBU! In fact, I can think of nothing worse

Do you like going to a spa OP? Is this just insecurities about wearing swimwear on a 4th date (totally reasonable btw)? Personally I think this is both an incredibly boring and incredibly intimate suggestion for a 1st/4th/20th date and wouldn’t go to a spa with anyone I was “dating”. Can’t explain why I find it so strange but I do. I’ve been with DH and in a LTR, but otherwise no. I would also be suspicious that it was a ruse to see me in very little clothing. I’m happy with my body but no. I’d push back on principle and if he was totally fine with that, it’d be a really good sign for me.

This is the maddest suggestion yet.

This happened to me once: date 2. I said no thanks! Sadly I never looked as good as that again but at the time I was freaking out about the tiniest flaw.

Now I’d say no because I’d turn up in a hold-your-stomach-in upholstered swimsuit. In fact I’d probably be buying one with a skirt or even a “modesty” full body one. Or a wetsuit…

So say no. You don't have to do something just because he suggested it. Just say you don't fancy it, and suggest something else.

Ha ha - the sight of me would send any incel plunging into the deep end (without his armbands on).

Have some autonomy OP, do you want to go ? If you don’t just say no, don’t set yourself up doing things you aren’t comfortable with 4 dates in with a guy you met online, suggest an alternative You are comfortable with !

It's your choice OP, you just say no and suggest something else, if he is a decent person, he will understand and if he doesn't or moans it's bin time.
Spas are my idea of hell on earth along with sex ponds😁

I used to have a spa membership and often did suggested this sort of date at that time. I loved the tension of fancying one another and seeing more but not being able to do much. However if you’re not comfortable just say, if you like idea generally “that sounds lovely, could we park till a bit further down the line, steamy and semi naked I might not be able to control myself 😉, let’s do X instead”

🙄

Reminds me of my friend who was studying for a PHD in Strasbourg.

Her FIRST date with a new man was to a sauna.

She was comfortable with a swimsuit - but mortified that, in Europe, unbeknown to her, it is quite usual for spas and saunas to be naked.

It’s a nice idea for a date, but if it’s not for you, politely decline.

I remember going to the gym and pool with a guy I fancied and had been flirting a bit with years ago when I was a student. I was a fit size 8/10 and I still spent days panicking about what I would look like and being self conscious. I found out a couple of weeks later that he had a GF! Nothing happened but I still cut him off promptly and vowed from then on not to do anything at a pace I was uncomfortable with.
So just say no I don't fancy it, let's do something else.

It's your choice in as much as at it the other person's choice to not want to do what you suggest

Women are not more precious with their feelings than men so I would takecit in turns in choosing something

I love a spa but wouldn’t go with a man I was casually dating. It’s one of those misogynistic‘catfishing’ memes isn’t it, “if you want to know what she looks like without all her make up etc take her on a date at a swimming pool”.

Fuck that.

He either wants to check out your body and make sure you’re not hiding anything he doesn’t like under clothes and make up, or he’s got absolutely no idea about the hang ups most of us have about our bodies, which shows a staggering lack of empathy for the female experience!

Either way, if he’s otherwise a decent man then suggest something else. If there’s even the vaguest hint that this might be him trying to see you ‘au naturel’ to decide if you’re worthy of dating then bin him off.

Just tell him not yet

It isn’t mad, it’s a thing!

How odd.
Ick.

Fucking hell. It seems everywhere people jump to extremes!

Incel?

Thinking about sex - dear god the shock and absolute horror of that 😂

OP if it doesn't suit you say so. The same as you refuse tickets or a ballet or rock concert if they aren't your thing.

But seriously he's suggested a spa day which he probably thinks he'll get brownie points for considering how many woman say things like "I'd just love a day off somewhere like a spa"

He hasn't demanded to you in your skimpiest bikini and out out straight after a visit to the hot tub 😉