To not want to get into a swimsuit on a 4th date

[Sundaycoffee]

4th date with a guy I met online and he's suggested a date at the spa (he's a member and gets guest passes) where they have an outdoor pool. Not sure how comfortable I feel parading around in a swimming costume in front of him yet. We have only kissed so far, so he's only seen my body fully clothed. I'm a size 12 and have a few insecurities about my pear shaped body! AIBU?

I’m not sure what you mean by parading, but if you don’t fancy it, just tell him. And suggest an alternative.

Just tell him it’s not really your thing and maybe suggest a drink or meal somewhere else.

Dating is about getting to know the other person and working out each others boundaries so just speak up from the start about what you do and don’t feel comfortable with.

Id probably politely decline the date as being at a spa with a man my sort of thing - it’s a girls day out for me but everyone different.

I think 'he's trying to move things towards sex' is quite a leap. It's not like there's going to be opportunity to get down to business on the massage table.

OP, if you don't want to go, don't go - you don't need a reason. Never go on any kind of date that you're not comfortable with or that makes you feel things are moving too fast. I'm sure you look bloody great in a swimsuit but it's understandable that you aren't keen on date four!

I actually think it's a good idea - you get to swim in a nice outdoor pool, and if he doesn't like the look of your body (which I'm sure he will, since he has met you and knows what size you are) you find that out now before getting fully naked.

You also get a good look at him, of course.

Any idea when apples are due a comeback?!

Mind you, he would be getting an eyeful of me in my sturdy black one piece Speedo. Nothing fancy.

I love a spa day! So to me this would be a lovely date.

Mind you. My very first boyfriend and I went most of our dates at the swimming pool. But thinking about it: there was nothing sexual at all in it (we were 13 and continued going swimming together for a couple of years)

I'd hate this. But am no fan of wearing a swimsuit for anything other than laying on a sunny beach with the occasional dip in the (warm) sea.

Also a Spa Day would bore the socks off me - especially with someone I don't know that well.

Are you going to go?

Or perhaps he likes using the spa and thought OP might too
However you are totally within your rights to say no and just say it's not for you. Then suggest something else to do.

If you don't want to you dont have to, i don't think its "too soon" or not it just not to your liking.

Just redirect, or if you actually want to go wear a tank swimsuit or shorts and sports top. thats what i wear to actually swim.

I only wear bikinis at the beach tbh

My ds is a swimmer. Most of the relationships team mates have in their teens are with other swimmers (mainly team mates). I imagine because apart from school they are at the pool.

I've often wondered if this discourages more sexual activity - they've already seen most of it before the first date

I also love a spa day and frankly if someone doesn't fancy me because I'm wearing a swimming cozzie they're not going to magically fancy me X dates later.

You obviously have to do what you're comfortable with, but equally I made an active decision a while back that I wasn't going to worry about my body and it has been really life enhancing.

I visited a friend living in Scandinavia and she wanted to go to the sauna. It was totally nude and inside I was slightly horrified, particularly as I was obese at the time. But I also knew I didn't want my life to be limited by my feelings about my body so I decided I would go, I wouldn't make a fuss and that if nothing else it would be an experience. Actually it was fantastic and I was a total convert. Obviously that's not the same thing, and it was also a single sex sauna, but I guess I just felt liberated by deciding I wasn't going to worry.

It's up to you, if you're not comfortable then of course not unreasonable to say you want to do something else! If you're getting along well it's unlikely he'll then want to cut things off because you didn't want to go to the spa with him, he probably just thought it sounded nice, it's fine if you don't agree.

There isn't a magic pill to cure insecurity over your body, if you don't feel ready for him to see you (I'm sure you look great) then don't pressure yourself.

No advice other than, if you don’t feel comfortable with something, then don’t do it- doesn’t matter what the reasons are.

But mainly I am just here for the comments, which are wild this morning 🤣🤣🤣

I’d just tell him thanks, but I'm really not into spas. Which would be the truth.

Also keen to hear the timeline of this regarding my future trendy spa activities.

We had a work spa day. I declined because I didn’t really want to get into a pool , in my swimming costume, in front of my (female) work colleagues.

i wouldn’t want this either.

The saddest thing I take from this is that there is yet another woman who feels uncomfortable with her body.
Im in my 60’s grey and wrinkly but I just think of my body as a sort of storage box for what is really ‘me’ . My brain and my thoughts.

Its Daily Mail speak.
Men wear swim wear but women parade or flaunt in theirs

This is an absolutely genuine question - how come you have no body insecurities? Do you have a really good body shape? Or like really fit? Or just confident? Or both?

I have not got a bad body, but years of being told by magazines etc that celebrities are fat when they’re a size 0 in the 90s has left me feeling insufficient unless I’m entirely without fat. Which I’m not. And years of the kardashians telling me I need a bigger arse. Which I don’t have. And being told through society I’m too dark I’m too light I’m too short I’m too tall. Etc etc etc. I’ve only just realised how much self loathing I have directly because of this. And logically it’s absolutely not true. I’m fine. I’m flabby but look pretty good in clothes and many people would be irritated if I said this in real life because they think I look thinner/curvier/taller/smaller/whateverer than them.

so how do you - how does one - break that conditioning? just looking for tips I guess!

😂😂OMG sooo true! If they have a nice restaurant there though... that's the only reason I would go on a date at a Spa :-)

Totally your decision, saddened you have this lack of confidence though.

Yes, @Ineffable23 , that is completely different. You were in an all female environment rather than on a date where the man will assess the OP's physicality. @Lilliesandjasmine

Sorry,.@Lilliesandjasmine - didn't mean to @ you there!

I am genuinely not bothered what I look like as just because magazines say something does not make it true

I really don't understand how pwople can be that gullible ans not realise magazines, influencers, poster, TV commercials just because they show something does not make it so

Being obsessed with looks and blaming magazines or whatever is lazy