To not want to get into a swimsuit on a 4th date

[Sundaycoffee]

4th date with a guy I met online and he's suggested a date at the spa (he's a member and gets guest passes) where they have an outdoor pool. Not sure how comfortable I feel parading around in a swimming costume in front of him yet. We have only kissed so far, so he's only seen my body fully clothed. I'm a size 12 and have a few insecurities about my pear shaped body! AIBU?

Apples never go out of season they are all year round 😉

My comment wasn’t rude, what is rude is to imply someone’s body shape is ‘in’ at the moment

I read this in the guardian this morning, I thought the comments about going to the pool together were interesting so you might find the article apt:

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/07/icelandic-love-secret-sex-before-coffee

If he has a spa membership then I suspect he just likes spas. If he’s an incel who is going to freak out because you look crap with sweaty sauna hair better to find out before he’s judging you for sweaty sex hair 🤷‍♀️

equally if the idea of a spa is appalling don’t go, personally I’d take some comfort in being surrounded by women of all shapes and sizes.

I'd love it, but I think I was a fish n a former life!!
I'm overweight, very, I'd be wearing a tankini top & swim shorts.

if he didn't want another date after that, I'd understand, but it saves wasting any more time dating him. If he did then fab & if I still fancied him, I'd hope it did lead to sex!!

@Sundaycoffee you've got a much nicer body then I've had in a few years, enjoy it while you've got it!! (Illness & medication has destroyed mine 🥲)

if I were you I'd go, but it's totally fine to say you don't fancy doing that at the moment & suggest something you do fancy!

Enjoy getting to know him!!

Yes, I understood that from the OP.

I’ve been alive long enough that I have my own understanding of the world, drawn from my own experiences - and those of others, that I have my own boundaries and sense of what I would feel comfortable with.

I said I wouldn’t do it, and that I find it weird. And I quoted another poster that I agreed with. If you would want to do it, that’s still fine. Sharing perspectives, also fine. I didn’t say nefarious. I don’t think I’m overthinking, just thinking. I think your are using overthinking as I way of controlling and dictating how someone else expresses themself.

Are the majority of you dating male models? The ones who have to exercise restraint upon seeing glimmering droplets of water trace the contours of his chiseled torso? Do you all live in a Dolce&Gabanna ad where fit men in gleaming white budgie smugglers abound? Do you get exclusive access to date Olympic diving teams?

Unless above⬆️, NO ONE is sexy with splayed toes waddling the perimeter of their local leisure centre pool in drooping swim shorts leaving trail of crotch-water in their wake.
And that's if they're Greek God. Add stray nipple hairs, furry backs, fuzzy toes and effects of gravity in the most random of places for the rest of them myself included.

I think I'd rather build up the lust and get up close and personal in the bedroom first, before I'd risk developing a strange ick by the poolside.

Gosh there's some people in this world (or certainly this thread) who could make over thinking an Olympic sport.

I've never seen such angst over why someone would suggest a spa date.

I'm equally relieved to see many like me would not only be pleased with the invite but would go!

I love a spa I'd be on it like a shot, despite my size 14/16 bod. I go swimming every week though so am ok with what i look like in a swimsuit, and mine is a sporty zoggs number that covers quite a lot.

Ooh @ChampagneLassie you saucy mare

4 dates in?! He wants a piece of the action by now and who can blame him. If you cant bear for him to see you in a swimsuit how are you ever going to do the horizontal hula with him?!

I love a spa and spend a lot of time in a fluffy robe. If it’s not your thing say so, but he obviously fancies you and thinks it’s a nice idea.

I was in a sauna in Berlin and two French people started talking. Someone objected, they pretended not to understand. In the interests of international relations I spoke to them in French about German sauna etiquette. They went outside to continue their conversation.

You do what you’re comfortable with.

If you want to go, just wear a tshirt and tell him you don't want to get sunburnt. I always wear a tshirt to protect my shoulders

Apparently in Iceland it's completely normal to go to a date at the pool... except they don't really do dates either: 🤔www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/07/icelandic-love-secret-sex-before-coffee

Just repeating her experience of a few years ago.

No reason for her to lie.

It fits with my experience of saunas in Germany, Austria, Hungary and The Netherlands.

It's quite possible she found a nude sauna in France (maybe it had a German owner 😉). It's just not the norm, in my experience. I have been in saunas in three of the other four countries you mentioned (apart from Hungary) and they were all indeed nude. Diversity is strength! 🤷‍♂️

I was apprehensive but loved it.

One in The Netherlands had a series of sauna cabins, all outside. There was some loungers to rest on outside too.

I will always reflect that one of my most exhilarating experiences was being outside, naked in the rain.

I'd dump him.
The number one rule for men is to take their date swimming and that way they can see if they have a nice enough body or not. But men like this arnt worth it. What if you have a baby or gain weight. He's the first to look else where.

The number one rule for men is to take their date swimming and that way they can see if they have a nice enough body or not

this is so stupid. They’re on date 4, there will be sex at some point soon, at which point if he was so inclined he’d make his assessment then.

far better that they do it after a swim than a shag IMO

I live in a very hot sunny country where it’s completely normal to have a date at the beach. There is literally every size and shape imaginable, tits out, tits in, bums out, bums covered- who cares. If tou think you like someone, and you think you would enjoy some chill time at the spa- go! Please don’t let body hang ups stop you. I have no idea if you are 19 or 69 a size 8 or a size 20 but it should never stop you doing something. Especially not to please the male gaze.

Yes…well while I thank you for your thoughtful reply and tremble in the presence of your great superiority I’m inclined to disagree that blaming magazines is lazy. I vividly remember seeing a magazine on the shelves as a 9 year old while my mother bought stamps and whatnot. All over the cover were images of famous women with bloody great arrows pointing to their “wobbly bits” and saying stuff like So and so “needs to up their exercise regimen.”

Of course now you’ve pointed out to me I’m just a lazy, weak, idiot who’s just too stupid to realise this isn’t worth listen to well fuck…I’ll just hop in my Time Machine and tell my child self to not believe what she’s being told by adults.

you’re deeply unpleasant

"Especially not to please the male gaze."

It's a date. Of course she wants to please the male gaze of her date.

I can't imagine having a long term future with someone who was a regular spa-goer. It's so not me, I'd already be thinking we were incompatible 😄

I also can't imagine getting 4 dates in and not having had sex yet either.

Some people are so down on men: how about not accepting any dates in the summer as clearly he might be after a glimpse of arm…

Anyway, this thread provoked a lively discussion of what would put us off someone if we went swimming. For dh it was tattoos. For dd it was a concave chest and hairy back or hairs sprouting from shoulders. For me it was speedos and moobs.

Wtaf? What a silly comment 😂