I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

[itriedmybest]

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

Thank you x

How awful to persist in this attack on someone who is recently bereaved. It's fine to have your opinion. I think op has got the message. You don't need to stick the boot in even more. She's being unreasonable but she's also hurting. The fact so many people are quite happy to kick her when she's down is disgraceful.

I’m sure no one means to belittle your bereavement in any way. But it does feel like you are more interested in playing the blame game than you are at looking why your friend might not be ready to be your support system here.

“I know I didn’t bother to reply to her messages, but she knows I find my phone overwhelming”. “I know she supported me through my divorce and I ignored hers, but I was having a hard time too!” “I know I could have just got in touch, but SHE could have come round or put a note through my door”. It’s all “But… but… but…” You’ve taken the same approach to the advice you’ve had here. You’ve thrown your hands up and blamed everyone for not being supportive; you’ve blamed the reputation of AIBU… you’ve blamed everyone and everything except yourself.

If you really want to save the friendship, wait a while and send a general “How are you, hope you had a nice birthday” message. Do NOT criticise her lack of response and do NOT take a “I know I could have been more responsive around your divorce, but…” tone. Be prepared to show you genuinely miss her, rather than being annoyed she wasn’t there for you when you’d never been there for her.

Oh, come on! You ignore her repeatedly because you are so busy - even during her divorce when she could have used a friend and now, because you want attention, she is the one in the wrong? Read your post again and see how self involved you sound.

She's too busy just like you were when she needed you. Am afraid that's life.

AIBU can be needlessly harsh. You’ve probably realised now that you’ve ignored her messages, yet are offended that she’s ignored yours.

She’s supported you through a divorce, you haven’t been involved in her support network during hers. You messaged her on her birthday and told her about a bereavement you’ve suffered. That could look very self absorbed to many.

I’m sorry for your loss. Maybe this friendship has run its course

Thank you x

Friendships goes both ways
Sorry for your bereavement but she has also had a bereavement in a different way and you were not there for her

I am not going to stick the boot in or repeat what’s been said but I’m wondering if you want to repair this relationship? Is it important to you? If so, a text isn’t going to work and I think you’ll need to attempt face to face to discussion.

OP posted and asked. My response is facts. Maybe if she was a better friend she wouldn't have had to make this post.

It's pretty obvious where she has gone wrong.

I don't get anyone is happy to kick her when she is down.

She asked we answered.

Don't open the door to hell and then ve surprised when you don't like what's on the other side.

Everyone pipes up on MN. Including you. Clearly.

I think that's a fair comment. I'm really sorry for your loss but perhaps you will need to open up communication if you want to repair the friendship.

I completely get that you find your phone overwhelming, but does she know this? Because if she's messaged you and you've not responded, she'll just think you're being ignorant.

If a friend didn't reply to my messages,
I wouldn't go knocking on their door uninvited, so unless that's something she's done in the past, I wouldn't realistically expect her to be doing that.

Have you tried using voice note on WhatsApp instead of texting? It's so much easier and you don't have to spend ages typing.

Back to your situation, I would send some flowers and apologise for being aloof with her - try and get a meet up so you can explain face to face that you find your phone overwhelming, and try to at least get back to her when she messages you in future, even if it's just short and sweet.

I'm sorry for your loss but kindly, I really think you are being very unreasonable to be annoyed with her for doing pretty much what you did to her.

Regardless of how kind she was when YOU divorced, you were not available to her when SHE divorced. Now you are grieving and are upset that she is not available to you now it's your time of need again.

You seem to see this relationship as one where she ought to be by you when you are in need even when you don't extend the same towards her in her time of need

You sound like a shitty friend, and a bit of a user so I'm not surprised she's passed you out

I don't agree with other comments and losing your loved one is a lot more serious than a divorce. I hope you're ok

Maybe you can salvage this friendship by apologising for being so absent and making an effort, is this the case with other friendships you have as well? You'll end up without anyone if you carry on like this

Oh come on, OP, don't play that card. You didn't post about a recent bereavement and get insensitive comments about it.

No one here has been unsympathetic about your loss. They've been unsympathetic about you being a lousy friend during their hard times and then expecting them to support you through your own.

OP I won't stick the boot in but if I was you my takeaway from this would be to understand that many people will interpret persistent unresponsiveness as a brush off.

The person not being responded to doesn't know why because they probably have nothing to go on. Some people try for longer to see if their friend will respond, some might be more confrontational and some will give up and assume that their friend no longer wants contact.

It might be salvageable but it takes time to repair trust.

💯 this. OP all of your posts are me, me, me and you also have a victim mentality, even as much as your user name. If that was you trying your best, I'd hate to see your worst 😕

Op, are you open to reaching out to your friend ? Tell her, you are feeling really sad, and ask her if you have upset her and that you're sorry you've been distracted when she was going through her divorce ?

@TheMixedGirl there is a big difference between offering constructive advice and going to town on someone. Surely you realise this?
Opening the doors to hell 😂😂😂 how dramatic. She asked for opinions, she got them unanimously.
But in their desperation to get their point across some posters forget they are talking to an actual person and a recently bereaved one at that.
You gave your opinion once and then couldn't help yourself coming back and telling the op again just how awful she is. Nice.

so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged

If that’s ok for you to do, even when she’s going through a dreadful time, then I can see why she might think it was ok for her to do as well.

It’s not a competition as to who’s having the worst time. Friends are there as support when they’re needed and the OP has clearly shown by her actions that she’s a fair weather friend until she needs support. It seems it’s fine for her to ignore friends in need but now she’s got the same back she’s shocked.

No one is unsympathetic about her bereavement but consequences have actions and her lack of support when her friend was in need of a shoulder to cry on is now meaning she’s lost that friend.

You're not posting about your recent bereavement. You're posting about your friend. You've repeatedly ignored her messages because your phone 'overwhelms' you ?? and now you're upset because she's ignoring you.

I disagree. Losing a parent is sad but part of life. It's to be expected.
A marriage break up is huge and will change how your life goes forwards.
For OP to ignore her friend that time is unforgivable and it is no surprise that the friend has given up on her.