I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

[itriedmybest]

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

No,

You used ‘Happy Bithday’ as an opener to tell her about your upsetting experience.

You weren’t wishing her a happy birthday at all. Imagine….its her birthday and the friend who never replied to her when going through a divorce, texts her on her birthday to say that their dad had died.

Thats really bad

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

FWIW I can’t believe she didn’t text you back. I understand what PPs are saying about how she might feel the friendship has been one sided and be wary of returning to a real closeness, but I can’t imagine a friend - even one from whom I had drifted - texting me about the death of a parent and not replying with a message of sympathy.

She didn’t need to dive headlong back into friendship if she felt let down by the course it has taken in the past, but to not reply at all is really cold.

Also I am horrified by the tone and content of a lot of the responses on here. Some posters have been absolutely vicious. It’s a sign of the things lacking in their characters, not yours.

Maybe she finds her phone overwhelming and thought ‘well, she’s knows where I am…’ maybe she has lot going on, y’know, just like you really.

you ignored her ever she was going through a tough time despite her supporting you when you were in the same situation. You wished her a happy birthday whilst simultaneously telling her you had had a bereavement which is still very “look at me”
why couldn’t you tell her about the bereavement another time?

i wouldn’t be interested in being your friend anymore

Sounds like you made the birthday text all about you. Sorry about your loss but I think you really need start acknowledging that you’re self centred.

Could you explain a bit more why your phone overwhelms you? Surely you can’t be so inundated with messages that it’s hard to manage. Just check your phone once a day.

So sorry for your loss. I've lost both parents and I know what grief does to you.

I wouldnt have chosen a friend's birthday to tell them though. Thats really awkward - happy birthday, btw my mum died. You could have picked any day to inform her of your sad news. The happy birthday now appears like it's not really about her birthday at all, but you wanting her to support you. All within the context of you not supporting her in the past when she needed it.

I'm afraid I have had experience of friends doing this to me and it has absolutely made me distance myself from them because its hurtful and it makes you feel like you are being used, just wheeled out when they require something then put away again and ignored when you need support. No friendship will survive this kind of treatment, people will end up feeling resentful and upset. I'm sorry but I think you have blown it with this friendship and if you really want her in your life then you will have to apologise.

With respect the crux of your post was about your friend’s lack of communication. I lost a parent three months ago so I am not at all unsympathetic to that.

If you won’t acknowledge your mistakes you won’t learn from them in the future. If you do manage to retain this friendship you will be more aware of how to nurture it.

Sorry for your loss op.

But agree with others. Friendship is two ways. You can't expect her to be there for you no matter what, when you haven't been there for her. It's very selfish of you. You might think that your things are bigger, but that reflects badly on you. You can't seem to grasp that your friends issues might have been tough for her and you should have tried to be there for her. Did you even acknowledge her breakup? Send her any kind words? Offer to come round with a bottle of wine etc? If you didn't even respond to her text that she's had a break up... Then you really aren't a nice friend and I can see why she's chosen not to reply to you.

Sorry op, might seem harsh but she doesn't owe you anything and she hasn't let you down. You let her down and now here are the consequences.

You say you find texts overwhelming but maybe she finds coming round to your house unannounced overwhelming?

I know I would. I am really sorry for your loss but you really cannot hold her to a much higher friendship standard than yourself. You cant expect more from her than you give yourself- thats just not fair on her.

Perhaps grief is clouding your thought process right now which is understandable, but you do seem to show a lack of awareness that others may also be struggling and that you arent the only one to find certain things difficult. We all have things in life that we find overwhelming, it's not just you. For all you know, your friend might be in a very bad place right now post her divorce but you wouldnt know because you haven't asked her or even spoken to her.

You feel let down?

You really have no concept of how self consumed you are?

Every response you have made on here has been dismissive and rude!

You let your friend down big time and she is most probably incredibly hurt by your lack of support!

Shame on you for making this about you being the one let down?

She is definitely better off without you in her life.

She supported you in your divorce. You didn’t support her. Now you need support with your loss, you reach out. And expect what?

I had a friend like you. Her issues took centre stage and my issues were unimportant. I realised I was just a prop for her ego. I cut ties. Much like your ‘friend’ I imagine.

Agreed

You've been an awful friend, ignoring her messages and her problems in her life, that is very selfish and sad.

And then you have the cheek to be upset when she isnt interested in your life. Apologise to her for the way you have treated her and then leave her be, she's better off without you.

Like, her though process is mind boggling 😱.

I think you've blown it OP. You ignored her when she was getting divorced, the three line whip of a friendship. At the very least you should have apologised profusely and explained whatever had prevented you from supporting her at that time rather than just expecting to pick up again when you felt up to it. She will likely have gathered support from others during that time and will be prioritising those friendships. I'm sorry for your loss and sorry that your friend is no longer in your life now you need her, but sadly you have brought this about. I'd suggest in future you invest more in people you want to keep around you.

Its not about being the devil. Its about action and consequences. Your action has caused the loss of the friendship when you need it. The responses on here are giving you a clear indication that most people would have reacted as your friend has. So whether you think that's right or wrong, its an excellent barometer of what will happen in future if you continue to behave in this way to friends. If you want friends in your life you will need to adjust your behaviour. It's entirely up to you what you do with that knowledge.

Really sorry for your loss OP but you do sound very lacking in awareness.

The fact you didn’t reply to her but say ‘she knows where I am’ says to me it’s all about you and you don’t really respect the hurt and take of friendships.

I think you need to write this one off and learn to be a better friend going forwards.

So you weren’t there for her after her marriage broke down, because you “had too much going on”, even though she was there for you-now it comes to you needing her again you expect her to come running?
Its a very one sided friendship in your favour, she’s been your friend but you’ve done nothing to be her friend.

I think you know all this really, so I’m not sure what you came here looking for. If I was this woman I’d have severed all ties with you the moment you weren’t remotely supportive of her difficulties. I’m actually appalled. You have absolutely no place to feel let down, but she does.
Until you learn that friendship is very much a 50/50 two way street, don’t expect to have any friends.

This.
You ignored major issues in her life .... what do you expect?

OP asks for opinions, doesn't expect it to go the way it has because she doesn't think she is wrong. She then gaslights us by making out this was a post about a bereavement.

How awful

She was great and supportive when you were going through a divorce, but you ignored her when she went through hers?! You ignore your phone messages because it's over whelming?! Really do you expect her to do the opposite to you?! Do you think she's always going to be there for you, when you clearly haven't done the same. You've really hurt her feelings and let her down in the past. How selfish are you to know all of that, yet feel entitled to more than you deserve? You have been a terrible friend. Sending her a birthday message with your terrible news wasn't nice either. It looks like you used that opportunity to make it about yourself, when it should have been a nice message to celebrate her!
I am genuinely sorry for your loss by the way, and it does get easier with time. 💐

Agreed, she’s an awful person in my opinion. I really feel for the former friend. Imagine going through a divorce and someone you thought was your friend couldn’t even be arsed to reply because her phone stressed her out.
Id have erased her from my life from that moment

All - it doesn’t sound as though the OP is coming back again.

Kindly, I think you've got a bit of a cheek. When she was going through difficult times, by your own admission you ignored her messages. So why on earth do you expect her to respond to yours now the tables have turned?

You can't expect to give little and demand a lot.