AIBU - not inviting everyone to the leaving do is a dick move

[Packingcubesqueen]

I work in a school. One of the other teachers is leaving. They have invited a group of people to their leaving do and left a few out. The people who have been invited are various ages and job positions (SLT, TAs, Teachers etc) she has basically just excluded a few people she doesn’t like (including me). I have never had any conflict with this person, there is no back story that I know of. I am often excluded from things but never with so many others being included. Usually about half of us aren’t invited. We are also having a lunch on her last day, that is for everyone. She didn’t organise the lunch.
YABU - it’s her leaving do she can invite who she likes
YANBU - it’s a dick move

YANBU. It is a dickmove and she’s a dick. It’s fine if she’d invited 8 or 9 people out of 20 but to invite almost everyone minus a few is a statement.
I am sorry that happened to you but it’s not about you, it’s about her. She’s the unkind one and you know you wouldn’t ever do that to someone.

I didn’t invite a few colleagues to my leaving bash

awful people. completely brought down any social event with constant moaning and bitching (yes yes Op, you never moan and never bitch). Added to which, i put £200 behind the bar and not a chance did i want these three to have a drink on me

no regrets

was a wonderful lovely evening

I would personally make it known, in a calm and professional way - maybe to your HOD - that you felt insulted to be left out. Teaching is a team sport so relationships are really important so if it was my department, I would be actively discouraging the leaving out of one person.

Please don’t. There is nothing to gain from this and unfortunately the potential of looking childish. The other teacher is leaving and no longer the HoD’s responsibility, this outing was arranged through personal communications, and it will happen outside work hours off premises. If it wasn’t a leaving do then it might be different, but as is there’s absolutely nothing for the HoD to do. Acknowledge that it’s ok to be hurt by not being considered by your soon-to-be former coworker, plan something else fun for that night with other friends, and let yourself move past it.

👋 Hello, OP! I am on your side.
some posters on here have clearly not read all your posts.
And your retiring colleague is clearly a childish, nasty, cruel unprofessional piece of work. If I were one of the 15 who were invited I would decline the invitation as I would not be a part of a few people being humiliated and ostracised.

How the hell do you know that OP moans and bitches? Can I assume you got more pleasure out of leaving out the 3 colleagues than you did from the whole night out? Can I assume you loved the possibility that the 3 people felt rejected and left out?

i don’t “know” 🙄

none of us “know” a thing about this situation

oh no the night was fab. Fond memories.
made all the better by the absence by the three moaning bitching crows!

You're projecting your own experience onto OP. They might describe you as a bitter crow, in the same way you assume op must be a bad person not to be invited.

i don’t assume that
but i do assume she’d deny it
as we all would
as i doubt many bitchy crows actually think they are!

Make sure you don't contribute to any leaving present...😉

‘ bitchy crow’ is a new one to me 😀

She is already having a lunch with everyone. Why does she also have to invite everyone to her second event? I would find it odd if someone I barely know and just work with invited me to their event when I have already been invited to a lunch for the same event.
I don't understand the issue. This is not a friend, just someone you work with. They invited people they are close with. They are not close with you.

😆

I mean, there's already an event for everyone to say goodbye (the lunch).

Presumably this event is one she's hosting herself, or a friend is. And while I realize it's hurtful to be one of the ones left out, if I were the person whose party it was, I would not want to feel as if I needed to host the colleagues I didn't like (for whatever reason). Even the children stop having all-class parties by yr 3 or so, I don't see why adults should be forced into inviting people they don't get on with.

If I was your friend I'd reply to.the group WhatsApp and say - oh, just noticed @Packingcubesqueen and a couple of others are missing from the group accidentally, just added them. F* her, she's leaving (rude woman, not your friend).

I happily rubbed along with my colleagues…didn’t want to go for a night out with several of them though! As I said previously, everyone is going to be at her ‘leaving lunch’ after that, if she chooses to go out with the people she’s closer too, then I truly can’t see the problem.

the friend wouldn’t be able to do thjs (thank goodness)

only the person (presumably the person who is arranging the farewell drinkers) who set up the whatsapp group can add people

@Tiredofallthis101

However @Packingcubesqueen will have more self respect now to accept an invitation, she is very well aware she is not and was not invited to this out of working hours not on working premises private party.

She probably does “like” you. You just aren’t in her close group and she’s leaving so you won’t be part of her life/ever see her again.. it’s just one of those, yeah I know her, used to work with her, but 2 years on I can’t remember her name. You’d probably feel the same about her?

I wouldn’t go to anything to do with her, if that’s how shes acting, leave her to it

YANBU OP, it would be considered very poor form anywhere I’ve worked. If she wants to have a night out with mates, that’s obviously her business, but to call it a leaving do and discuss it at work is tactless.

I think it's really childish OP, I work in a school too and we teach children to be kind and accepting of everyone but as adults, we don't practise what we preach! It's mean and unnecessary.

A lot of posters on her must have thick skin. I would love to not care in a situation like this but if the vast majority were invited then I would feel a little hurt by that too. Yes, it's her completely her right but if you've never actually fallen out and got on ok with her then it is a little unkind. I'm a teacher too and we constantly preach to the children about including everyone, if we see someone in the playground on their own, ask them to play, forgive your friend, share, be kind but yet we can't extend it to ourselves.

I would definitely do it if it was me - rudeness should be called out! Though agree that @Packingcubesqueen in such a circumstance should politely decline as she will be washing her hair.

It is very poor form, but if it was not organised through work, i.e. through official (email) or unofficial work channels (general work WhatsApp or similar) then there isn't anything you can do.

That said, this seems to go on a lot in Schools from what I can see. Generally SLTs are shit at managing exclusionary behaviour amongst staff, well they are generally shit at people management from what I have seen.