AIBU - not inviting everyone to the leaving do is a dick move

[Packingcubesqueen]

I work in a school. One of the other teachers is leaving. They have invited a group of people to their leaving do and left a few out. The people who have been invited are various ages and job positions (SLT, TAs, Teachers etc) she has basically just excluded a few people she doesn’t like (including me). I have never had any conflict with this person, there is no back story that I know of. I am often excluded from things but never with so many others being included. Usually about half of us aren’t invited. We are also having a lunch on her last day, that is for everyone. She didn’t organise the lunch.
YABU - it’s her leaving do she can invite who she likes
YANBU - it’s a dick move

That's children though. Adults know that not everyone is going to like everyone.

There's also a lunch on her last day which is for everyone.

This is tricky. I think most people in schools these days tend to do a whole staff email inviting everyone to drinks in a pub. They might also on a different night do some other kind of do which might be a meal or event where it is closer colleagues. I think leaving out just a few is a bit unnecessary. However it really isn't worth getting upset about. You and her are not that close and she is leaving so just forget it.

It's a crummy way to find out that someone you thought you got on with reasonably well, thinks absolutely fuck all of you.

This is work, not your personal friends. You invite everyone. And assume that those who aren't chatty with you won't come.

No it isn’t.

She’s having lunch with everyone on her last day.

This event is just her friends from work. OP isn’t one of them.

In any 'formal' group you invite everyone or it's a small group of friends separate from the large group.

Leaving out a few from a large group is just nasty behaviour.

If it's the reception mums night out you invite everyone or you organise a small group.
If it's a sports club night out you invite everyone or a very select group.
If it's work you invite the whole team.
Or the whole school.
You don't invite everyone and leave out a few people to feel ostracised.

I'd have thought that was obvious courteous behaviour as most people would understand it's cruel to exclude a few from a large group.

Seems lots of people think it's ok.
Which is why it's happening to you OP.

No, it’s not, if you read the post properly you’d see that there’s a leaving lunch for ALL staff, then this woman is arranging her own farewell night out on top of that-for which she’s perfectly entitled to only invite her actual work friends and the people she really likes. It’s off work premises and she’s arranging it outside of her work do

SouthLondonMum22 "That's children though. Adults know that not everyone is going to like everyone.

There's also a lunch on her last day which is for everyone."

Which will be lovely to attend knowing that she wouldn't want you there if she had the choice. Nice.

Yes, adults know not everyone will be their biggest fan but they're also capable of being kind and understanding how someone might feel if they were one of a very small number of people being left out.

As with everything, there are people who think something is ok and others who wouldn't be comfortable doing the same. In this case, there will people who think it's fine to exclude just a few people and there are others who think it would be kinder, given the numbers, to include everyone.

If you don't like her then it's a win. You don't have your go and make fake nice.

OP wouldn’t even know if her so called friend didn’t bring it up.

No it isn’t.

No it isn't, what?!

If you're doing a work do, it's work. If you're inviting 80% of people in the workplace and not others, it is most definitely work.

Why would anyone, adult or child, invite someone that they don’t like to their function. I don’t care if they’re the only one in an office or class. For me not to like someone there’s going to be a reason and I’m at a stage in my life where I don’t want to spend time with people that aren’t my friends. That said leaving meal info is usually circulated, invite only is a bit odd.

Maybe she just keeps your relationship civil & professional

she is the adult in this situation. Why be 2 faced and invite people who you don’t like?

she can invite who she wants

So she has a leaving do organised for her that everyone is invited to, and a smaller one for her closer colleagues that she's organised herself ? I don't see the problem with that if it's a sit down meal or something like that where headcount might need to be limited. Maybe she has colleagues that she feels closer to than to you?

Some people don't like you OP and that's ok.

It's the same for everyone other than perhaps the People Pleasers.

Why would you want to hang out with people you don’t like on your leaving night?

She has a lunch for everyone, if she wants to have a night out with only her close friend colleagues, that’s absolutely fine.

I was in teaching many years and I often saw this: a retiring colleague having a separate farewell meal with 5 or 6 close colleagues. Never gave it another thought.

Are you upset because much larger umbers are involved? Like 30 out of 40 people are invited?

She IS inviting the friends she’s close with! It doesn’t matter what YOU would do! She’s having the ‘leaving lunch’ with all staff, then going out with other staff that she’s especially friendly with! I honestly don’t see the problem.

I agree, the pages of posters defending the leaving teacher means that this goes on a lot and people don't care.

I voted YABU but now there is more context I do think it's out of order to exclude you when it's such a small school, especially if, as you say, there has been no falling out. Your friend asking whether you are going suggests there is no wider known reason why this colleague wouldn't invite you. In larger schools this would be less of an issue but I can see why you feel hurt . I don't think there is anything you can do although I would personally make it known, in a calm and professional way - maybe to your HOD - that you felt insulted to be left out. Teaching is a team sport so relationships are really important so if it was my department, I would be actively discouraging the leaving out of one person.

People don’t invite people they are not close to on nights out?

Yes, this definitely goes on a lot.

No, intentionally leaving out a few people.

..who they don’t like.

She is having a lunch for everyone. The night out is separate.