AIBU - not inviting everyone to the leaving do is a dick move

[Packingcubesqueen]

I work in a school. One of the other teachers is leaving. They have invited a group of people to their leaving do and left a few out. The people who have been invited are various ages and job positions (SLT, TAs, Teachers etc) she has basically just excluded a few people she doesn’t like (including me). I have never had any conflict with this person, there is no back story that I know of. I am often excluded from things but never with so many others being included. Usually about half of us aren’t invited. We are also having a lunch on her last day, that is for everyone. She didn’t organise the lunch.
YABU - it’s her leaving do she can invite who she likes
YANBU - it’s a dick move

You are just normally sensitive. This is hurtful.

It's just weird MN crap you're getting: everyone can do what they like and you must not care or have hurt feelings/ tough luck no one likes you, cry harder/ you must be a right bitch if they are being horrible to you/ you are so entitled to expect people not to be mean to you Grow Up.

Your feelings are normal. This is a shitty situation.

It sounds like something being done to be delibrately hurtful or as a power move to establish in group/ out group dynamic.

It's shitty when people go along with this group ostracisation, but they do because they want to be in the in group.

Sounds to me OP you've been targetted as the 'outcast' whihc provides a useful role to bond the larger group. You don't have to have done anything in particular to get this role, it can just be establsihed through a few influential people making it clear to the others you are not liked and not to be included. The wider group then fall in line.

This would be a reasonable interpretation if the person wasn’t leaving. There is no reason for someone to try to establish dominance in a staff they’re no longer a part of.

OP, I absolutely understand your hurt and I think some posters are genuinely trying to validate those feelings. Most of us want to be liked. But the reality is that the most likely scenario here is that this person got along with you just fine as a coworker but isn’t interested in pursuing a friendship now that you’re not working together, and doesn’t feel any need to tend to the professional relationship between you anymore since she’s leaving. Seeing malice in the actions may feel better because it allows you to turn your hurt into anger, but in truth it’s probably just apathy. People can not particularly like us while also mot disliking us.

Yes, it’s her leaving do, she can invite whoever she likes.
Yes, it is perfectly reasonable for you to feel hurt that you are not one of those people.

My previous school was quite cliquey, and I had some lovely friends there but also one person who really hated me (never really understood why - we’d been up against each other for promotions a few times but usually she beat me so not sure why she’d be salty about it). She was a ringleader and often organised things where she would intentionally invite everyone, including people who were more part of “my” group, quite obviously to make me feel uncomfortable. I confronted her once and she laughed that if it was an official work event, of course I’d be invited, but as these were private events, of course she’d only invite her friends. It made me feel really small and like I’d been petty to be upset.

Thing is, teaching is relatively transient, and as people moved on and the dynamic of the department changed, more and more people saw her true colours. When I left, I invited her to my leaving do, because I invited everyone, and it was just drinks in a pub garden. I didn’t think she’d come, but she did, and I kid you not, she sat on her own at a separate table all evening. I went over to talk to her a couple of times (I felt obliged as the host) and she barely said a word to me. It was the weirdest thing.

I don’t know what the point of my story was really. I guess what goes around comes around?

This would be a reasonable interpretation if the person wasn’t leaving. There is no reason for someone to try to establish dominance in a staff they’re no longer a part of.

That would be true if these power moves were rational but they are often not.

Even if leaving the power of being part of an in crowd and excluding some people can be enjoyable.
Exclusing others is necessary to have an in crowd. An in crowd is satisfying becuase you are in it, it doesn't have to provide any benefit above that.

I'd suspect most people have seen this sort of dynamic in operation at some point in thier lives.

Is it a case of inviting her closest?

Good example of my point.
People play power games and use social occasions for it.

She's leaving anyway so probably doesn't care what other people think about who she's invited as she won't have to see them again.

It is hurtful and I would feel hurt in your position. But it is her leaving do and she hasn't technically done anything wrong.

I think it's a Dick move but also think if the majority was invited you need to invite the few remaining.
If it was few going and majority not that's ok cause it would be her favourite's

I'm Team OP. I think she has been balanced and reasonable on this thread. But OP, did you talk with your friend about why she thought you might have been missed out? Do you really have no idea at all?

If you're sure you haven't annoyed her for a particular reason, I'd do some flying monkeys. Get people who DO like you to ask why you're not on the list, and if there is no substantial reason, say to Ms Leaver with faint disapproval "wow, that's a big statement to make, I'd feel shit if that happened to me"

This story is a great example of my point, actually.

This poster is describing what it actually looks like when someone actively dislikes a coworker and seeks to exclude and bully them to create an in-group and intentional hurt. Crucially, there was an ongoing a pattern of exclusion and pointed behavior.

OP has happily rubbed along with her coworker with zero signs of issues. The idea that someone would kindly work with someone and then suddenly chose their leaving do to reveal an unexplained malicious agenda towards a coworker that they have treated well for years is far fetched. The far more likely scenario is that this person isn’t focused on OP’s feelings at all.

Again, apathy can be very hurtful. I understand OP’s feelings. But apathy is not the same as malice.

You're not her friend. She clearly does have some friends there she feels closer to and she invited them. It's presumably not something in working hours or funded by employer? Course not, it's a school. Lol. I know how tight they are about leaving dos.
Just forget about it. Go out for drinks with the other 'unworthy' ones on the night instead?

Ok...you win, you must be right...

Why is this a competition again??

It’s a conversation. You replied to me, and I replied to you. Not sure what you think is out of line, here.

Personally I think that people tend to overestimate how much others are focused on us and often see malice where there’s really just obliviousness and apathy. It can feel better in the moment because it’s easier to be angry at someone trying to do us wrong than to feel hurt at someone not caring about us much at all. But long term I think that primes us to view the world as actively hostile and treat others accordingly.

But if you’d like to agree to disagree then I’m happy to do that.

You're just not going to get the answers you need here OP but if this is happening a lot I'd want to know why. Is there someone you can ask who would tell you honestly even if it's not what you want to hear?

It can be painful to realise someone does not think as well of you as you thought or as you do (did!) of them. But I’m not sure what the purpose of dwelling on it is, OP.

She’s hosting a get together for people she likes. That’s it. She’s leaving. You aren’t going to have to deal with her any more.

The issue here is you coming to terms with this new information - that she does not and probably never did think of you as a friend at all, even though she seems to like most of the people around you. She “hid” this from you by being a decent colleague towards you while she worked there. It’s a bit of a shock if it’s a sudden revelation but it’s pointless getting upset about it.

Some people aren’t going to like you. That’s okay. Arrange something with people who do like you and remind yourself that you have good friends, it makes no difference what she thinks of you.

I can understand if you feel hurt as something similar happened to me once. A weekend away was arranged and was kept secret from me, I only found out afterwards. It was the secrecy that upset me, not the not being involved.

OP, i am sorry you are being excluded and, under the circumstances (no falling out/antagonism) it is indeed unfair. But it is what it is, and you don’t need to be nice now. So in your shoes i would not attend the leaving lunch, nor contribute to gifts/sign a card.

This!

Am amazed you’re getting grief on here, OP. Yes, it’s her leaving do — but either invite a select few or invite everyone. Don’t invite nearly everyone, leaving only a handful out. That’s just mean.

As for those saying you’re making it all about you, or deciding you’re a bully — I have no idea where that’s come from…

'There are 20 staff and about 15 or more been invited out of the teaching staff.'

was that a very cleverly worded reply ? are you now suggesting you are not invited to this private gathering because you are not teaching staff ?

She may not ‘dislike’ you— it may just be that there are fifteen people she prefers to you. I mean, in the (admittedly unlikely) scenario of someone requiring you to list any set of 20 people in terms of how much you like them, five people will be the bottom five. That may not mean anything other than that she likes fifteen others more. And if all of those 20 people were asked to compile the same list, each list would look different. Liking is subjective.

I honestly don’t see why this is such a body blow. We’re all disliked by someone at some point. It’s not some sweeping condemnation.

No there are 20 teaching staff and 15 teaching staff are invited. The receptionist is also invited but the cleaners aren’t (as far as I’m aware).

I'm happy to just offer an alternative view on a situation we don't know the truth about.

No need to prove I must be right.
I think it's a plausible/ likely explanation.
It might not be.
It might be.

That’s quite normal in schools I think, I did that with my department when I left then had a whole school drinks on last day…

I get you OP. Inviting almost everyone and leaving out just a few is a dick move. As the responses show, some people would be happy to leave out and upset people, others would not.

I do get the point some have made about it being her leaving do so she can invite who she likes, but I think once the numbers creep up to most people, it's just plain unkind to leave people out. It's like when parent send in party invitations for 27 out of 30 children.

If it's was say 12 colleagues out of 30, fine. If it's 25 out of 30, it's deliberately unkind.

I’m not sure why you’re getting a hard time on here. I think that’s definitely a dick move. You either go for a small group or invite everyone. A small group and no one bats an eyelid at a small group going out, but when you do what she’s done, it starts to create division and hurt even though she is leaving.