AIBU - not inviting everyone to the leaving do is a dick move

[Packingcubesqueen]

I work in a school. One of the other teachers is leaving. They have invited a group of people to their leaving do and left a few out. The people who have been invited are various ages and job positions (SLT, TAs, Teachers etc) she has basically just excluded a few people she doesn’t like (including me). I have never had any conflict with this person, there is no back story that I know of. I am often excluded from things but never with so many others being included. Usually about half of us aren’t invited. We are also having a lunch on her last day, that is for everyone. She didn’t organise the lunch.
YABU - it’s her leaving do she can invite who she likes
YANBU - it’s a dick move

Aw yeah in that case I think she should’ve invited you all. I get why you’re upset, chin up and plan some nice things with your friends/family :)

I’d look more closely at why you are so bothered since it’s the only thing you can change. Not everyone likes everyone. You aren’t defined by whether she likes you or not (unless you’ve done something atrocious of course).

I think it’s a dick move, if you’re inviting the majority then you invite everyone unless you’ve actively fallen out which doesn’t seem to be the case here. Not sure why you’ve been getting such a hard time on here Op, I think you’re not being unreasonable

It may be a RTFT situation but are you completely certain that you’ve been excluded intentionally?

Well, you've saved some money by not going.

That seems quite reasonable to me, particularly since she is leaving and doesn't have to pretend anymore.
We either do team leaving do (and invite everyone obviously), or the person leaving organise their own and invite who they want. Or both.

She asked if you were invited despite knowing that you weren’t in the WhatsApp group which makes it very obvious who is or isn’t invited?

Of course she was stirring the pot.

I get it, someone I used to work with hosted a BBQ at her house. She invited EVERYONE in my room in the office to it except me, but she forgot that I was the PA to one of the directors who she invited too. She sent the invite via outlook and so I saw it and all the people who were invited (due to being able to see the director's inbox). It really upset me because it confirmed she didn't like me. I'd always put her rudeness towards me down to her being a bit socially clumsy. At least it taught me not to bother with her in future, although it gave me lots of pleasure to be extra nice to her knowing that she didn't like me ;)

At least this person is leaving so you don't have to think about them ever again!

I’ve had this too, and made sure I did contribute, minimally, to the leaving gift, so that I would have no issues about signing the card. I wrote a very prominent message in the card which could have been taken several ways - knowing she would take it the way I intended!

That seems quite reasonable to me, particularly since she is leaving and doesn't have to pretend anymore. We either do team leaving do (and invite everyone obviously), or the person leaving organise their own and invite who they want. Or both.

It’s been the same at all my workplaces. In the case of OP’s coworker it’s both - there’s a lunch for everyone. The out-of-hours event was arranged via personal comms (not work emails) and it’s separate from the work event.

And I do think the fact that she’s leaving is key. This isn’t like having a holiday party and only including some of the staff as some PP have said. She stops being responsible for looking after team cohesiveness and rapport at end of day on her last day… you can’t really accuse someone of workplace bullying in a workplace they no longer work in.

Her attitude might be something to do with some of the unpleasant comments about her?

That actually can backfire if the child invites the whole class and only a few turn up though. I’ve seen that happen and it is heartbreaking for the child. Still remember them being reminded that they shouldn’t have done so because their mum told them only to invite specific people instead.

Inviting most people and not inviting a few is a spiteful move. Others are going to notice, which makes it even worse.

I agree. There's some really nasty comments.

OP it sucks and I get you, but not a lot you can do other than hold your head up and refuse to show you're bothered and if you haven't already put in the collection, don't

I think it’s fair enough for her to only invite people she likes on a night out.

When I left my last job I decided I didn’t like any of them enough to spend an evening of my time with so I didn’t even have a night out. Smiled through the phony leaver lunch and never looked back.

But if she doesn't like you why would she want you at her leaving so, and why would you want to go- presumably you don't care that she is leaving?

It's shitty to invite nearly everyone and leave a couple of people out.

Fine if there's a small particular friendhsip group to socialise seperately, but when practically the whole staff are going it should be everyone.

It sounds like something being done to be delibrately hurtful or as a power move to establish in group/ out group dynamic.

It's shitty when people go along with this group ostracisation, but they do because they want to be in the in group.

Sounds to me OP you've been targetted as the 'outcast' whihc provides a useful role to bond the larger group. You don't have to have done anything in particular to get this role, it can just be establsihed through a few influential people making it clear to the others you are not liked and not to be included. The wider group then fall in line.

It's horrible to experience. But try to see it for what it is, not a reflection on you, and concentrate on what you know is real: your actual friends and family.

You are obviously not happy. I would give her lunch a miss Give 50p to her leaving collection.

I’m glad she’s leaving now but I didn’t fell like that yesterday. I’m not desperate for a night out just hurt that I’m disliked I suppose. But clearly I’m too sensitive.

Look, you don't like this person. I don't understand why you'd want to be included. Make the most of the lunch and if it's a boozy one, get as hammered as would be allowed.

Thank you

Sometimes people have to do this. My colleague recently got basically forced out / left with no job to go to. No way could he invite everyone to his leaving do. The small discomfort they felt being left out was nothing compared to what had happened to him-

I've seen this in schools where the teachers are autistic and miss a few social cues sometimes and others do in fact exclude them and treat them poorly. It's really shitty.

She doesn't like you and you said she has invited a load of bitchy people.

Why would you even want to go?

Are you going to the lunch?

Yes it's a dick move. A bit like all the nasty pp who are implying that the op is some sort of pariah.
I would be upset too op.