AIBU - not inviting everyone to the leaving do is a dick move

[Packingcubesqueen]

I work in a school. One of the other teachers is leaving. They have invited a group of people to their leaving do and left a few out. The people who have been invited are various ages and job positions (SLT, TAs, Teachers etc) she has basically just excluded a few people she doesn’t like (including me). I have never had any conflict with this person, there is no back story that I know of. I am often excluded from things but never with so many others being included. Usually about half of us aren’t invited. We are also having a lunch on her last day, that is for everyone. She didn’t organise the lunch.
YABU - it’s her leaving do she can invite who she likes
YANBU - it’s a dick move

Nope, not a school. It was someone who came in later than the rest of the team and the teas were made before they even arrived. It’s also the kind of environment you can get up and make a tea at any time, so it’s not like they went without. They just had to make their own when they arrived.
This person was unfortunately someone who was always out for office spats.

please say the grievance was totally dismissed

If it is out of hours and off-site, then it is her choice. Just as you can think it a bad choice though.

Why do you care so much? She’s leaving!!

It’s been established that omitting just a few people from social events is considered to be work place bullying. If she was inviting a selection of friends/just her department then it’s fine, but inviting the majority is not on.
I’m not sure what you would like to do about it. It is the responsibility of management to make sure that their employees are not bullied. It speaks badly to the culture of the school that it hasn’t been called out.

I agree with you but every place I’ve worked all colleagues have always been invited to leaving dos.

I don't drink tea or coffee, I always tell new starters so they don't read anything into someone else not asking me.

However back to the OP, yanbu, but on the bright side she's leaving. Some of the responses on here are shocking though, verging on bullying.

what do you want management to do? It's a leaving do. It's better for everyone to let this go and move on.

It makes sense she is only going to invite her friends or people she likes to her leaving drinks.
But that doesn't take away hurt in realising that you are 1 of few that she has left out. Especially as you work in the same department, to know that she doesn't want you at her leaving drinks.

This happened to me when a person I worked with, invited everyone in the department except me and another person to an event, they were hosting.

The other person not invited, had always kept themselves separate from everyone. Based on previous invites, wouldn't have even gone.
I felt quite awkward and hurt to suddenly realise that this person didn't see me as a friend. I worked the closest with the person and everyone knew I was the only other person not invited.
We had all gone out numerous times over the years as a group. I had even had meals out with this person
I decided to smile and wish them the best of luck with their event and afterwards, say I hope it went well.

No-one likes everyone and you don't need to be somewhere you're not liked/wanted.

She's a work colleague. None of these people are anything more than people you see because the governing body and headteacher chose you all as the best option for a particular role. Enjoy the fact that you don't have to go to yet another school thing in your own time . You will never see her again and I dare say neither will any of the people she has invited to this extra off-site do.

I think it's unpleasant personally if it is a large group. I'd invite everyone. People you don't like probably won't come and if they do you can just not spend much time with them, especially if there's quite a few of you. I don't understand posters that say this is OK. If she'd invited say 45/50 people in the team that's quite different to 3/8 say, so I do think the size of group here matters, but ultimately I'd invite everyone anyway.

I agree with you, I think it’s mean and unnecessary if she has invited eveyone but a few people. Some women are just like that, but I don’t know why!! Remember, it says more about them than you…

Yes- that one was, thankfully. She did end up dragging a few people into the world’s most pointless mediation sessions, where said Tea was brought up again. I can’t remember if that was part of the Tea grievance or one of the others she raised for equally pointless things that could have just been solved with a conversation like an adult.
A total PITA.

Isn’t that a really obvious, normal thing to do??? If she’s having a leaving do why would she invite people she DOESN’T like? Surely that’s two faced?

I'd say if there's fifty staff and 40 or more have been involved invited then yes it's rude.

Inviting your team/department - fine

Inviting close friends/colleagues-fine

Cherry picking and leaving a few out - not cool

Are you sure you're not invited?

Leaving one person out of a regular work event or a group work social is bullying

Leaving a small group of people you don't like out of your leaving do isn't

I’m sorry but you’re taking this far too personally. There is a lunch during the work day that everyone is invited to. That’s the co-workers event.

She’s invited others to something more personal after work - that’s a friend gathering. That’s fine, we don’t need to want to maintain friend relationships with every coworker after we leave jobs. It’s ok to just get along and work well with coworkers without wanting to be friends with every single one outside work. That doesn’t mean she dislikes you. She doesn’t need to put energy into those workplace dynamics anymore (by carefully including everyone) now that she’s leaving, she can make it about who she wants to open a post-leaving relationship with.

Plan something you’ll enjoy for that evening.

It's her party, she can invite or not invite whomever she wants. And why are you so desperate to go?

How do you know she doesn’t like you? Are you someone who orders loads and then wants to split the bill?

I’m not desperate to go just hurt to feel like I’m disliked. I guess the consensus is I’m being unreasonable and I need to woman up.

I get where you’re coming from with this. Work social events can become so tricky and difficult can’t they.

Do you know WHY she doesn’t like you? Is it just an assumption you’ve made cause you’re not invited, or has there been an incident between the two of you?

I think it’s very normal for you to feel a bit hurt by this. I don’t know how many people are in your workplace but say there’s around 30 people going and four or five who aren’t, then yeah that’s a dick move. Whereas if there’s 20 going and say 15 who aren’t, I think that’s fair, and she’s just invited her closer friends/people she’s worked closely with over the years.

I work in a school and social events are always a point of contention. A close colleague of mine always organises a summer social and Christmas do, invites everyone, but out of a staff of about 50, only 10-15 come. But then a small group of the ones who don’t come, then organise their own separate one and don’t invite everyone. And even though that’s fine, they can do what they want, it always just ends up feeling a b it awkward! (I know that story is irrelevant to your post, but just felt compelled to share!)

I am sorry, but I am glad it happened. Now you will know how kids feel, when in class they give out invites. One for you, one for you, none for you, one for you. I think that woman is a bitch and I hope you will make a firm rule for your school - no birthday parties unless every child gets an invite (if it is only a boys' party, then all boys, same goes for girls). I shall never forget (it has been a good 13 years) a begging mum, asking another mum 'Why did you not invite my ....', every boy got an invite, why did you not invite him?

Nope. Kids are humans too. No one should be forced to invite everyone to anything. I certainly wasn’t inviting the kid who repeatedly punched, kicked and bit my child. No way. He still got parties with the other kids.

There are 20 staff and about 15 or more been invited out of the teaching staff. We are a small SEN school.