AIBU - not inviting everyone to the leaving do is a dick move

[Packingcubesqueen]

I work in a school. One of the other teachers is leaving. They have invited a group of people to their leaving do and left a few out. The people who have been invited are various ages and job positions (SLT, TAs, Teachers etc) she has basically just excluded a few people she doesn’t like (including me). I have never had any conflict with this person, there is no back story that I know of. I am often excluded from things but never with so many others being included. Usually about half of us aren’t invited. We are also having a lunch on her last day, that is for everyone. She didn’t organise the lunch.
YABU - it’s her leaving do she can invite who she likes
YANBU - it’s a dick move

I said ‘I like her’ as a response to many responses saying I don’t like her so why would she invite me

Can you explain that?

I understand and it is hurtful. I worked somewhere where we all got on until someone started who decided she didn't like one or two of us, me being one, and set about excluding us from anything and everything. Someone was leaving who I had always got on with, I used to give her lifts to work as she lived just round the corner. I found out on the Monday morning that everyone had been invited out to say their goodbyeson the Friday night, they'd kept it very quiet.

A few weeks later I bumped into the leaver in a local pub garden she smiled broadly and walked towards me, I cut her dead. She looked very confused and I wonder what she thought my reaction should be.

Some people like picking on someone to exclude, you've just had one move out of your life which can't be bad.

it’s not that most people are “okay” with it if we were in your shoes

i’d be hurt
but given you know she doesn’t like you, i would not have been the least bit surprised to not have been invited and would not begrudge her for that

FGS

You saying that you are not a bully

and me saying that you are hardly the most objective on that

and you honestly don’t understand my point?

Excluding a small few IS a dick move. I wouldn’t waste time going to her lunch.

Did you ever speak to her? Did she know about the night out and plan it herself? Or was it a surprise planned by the one who wanted to exclude you?

Maybe your friend didn’t know about it and had been told there would be a surprise thing, and maybe she thought you just couldn’t make it?

i think i’ll duck out of this one

no point
you’ve not been invited
generally not invited to stuff
and likely to continue at this school

🤷

I didn’t know till today. They often go out as a little group but I didn’t think she actively disliked me specifically. Most of the people who are normally excluded have been invited.

She's already having the lunch for everyone, so the 'leaving do', which I assume is drinks or food after work or something like that, is for her to say goodbye to her work friends. You're not her work friend, so why is this a problem? You already knew you weren't mates, surely.

Why should she invite people she has no rapport with to her own, independently organised night out? The key word here is 'leaving' - it's the one time in anyone's period of employment when they don't have to make polite chat with people they barely know/don't like for the sake of a good working relationship. It's a leaving do, not a corporate teambuilding event.

I think that is a very worrying attitude.

A lot of people are excluded from social groups and society for various reasons : because they are socially awkward, shy, have mental health problems, are perceived to be poor etc etc. Loads of reasons. I'm not saying any of these apply to OP. I don't know her. But I intensely dislike the idea that because some one doesn't get on with a group of people there is something wrong with them. I think it's called " othering"

Perhaps there is something wrong with the woman who is leaving and her set of friends. Perhaps they are unpleasant bullies. We don't know.

But to assume there is something wrong with OP without even knowing her or having worked with her is out of order.

And she, presumably, is part of this group

I'm not sure that is true with work things. If you invite virtually everyone and leave one out it isn't appropriate and can be viewed as bullying. Different if you invite your close colleagues and leave the rest out but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

If you know she doesn't like you (not everyone can like you!) why would you expect to be invited or want to be there?

When is the leaving do, and when does this person actually leave @Packingcubesqueen?

Shes invited her friends on her leaving do. Fair enough. Why would she invite people she doesnt like? She doesnt have to see them ever again

She goes out with them but isn’t a ring leader. But yes I get your point.
It feels mean but she owes me nothing. It isn’t what I would do. But it seems like it’s completely within normal social/professional behaviour. I felt it was outside of the norm compared to places I’ve worked before but maybe I’ve been in unusually inclusive places previously.

This

You don’t even know for sure how many people are or aren’t invited. It’s just your so call friend stirring the pot, I’d be much more annoyed with her. Why did she feel the need to tell you anything about an event which you aren’t invited to?

I was told by the person I shared an office with that the leaver invited people, she planned it. The one who decided she didn't like me was very manipulative and very quickly things got to the point where people didn't want to upset her, I assume they worried they'd be the next target. I worked there for 20 years, had always been popular but she made it unbearable. Fortunately I was due to retire the following year so I didn't have to put up with it for long. When I retired several people came to say goodbye and thanked me for things I'd done for them over the years. As I'd been there so long I was offered a big leaving do paid for by the company. I declined and told the one who organised that sort of thing that I knew certain people would be included and she agreed it would be awkward.

I did the exact same, I went out for a drink with my actual work friends when I moved jobs. It’d be weird for her to invite people she didn’t like or didn’t have much to do with/in common with.
If you throw a party you invite your friends don’t you? You don’t invite every person you’ve ever said more than one word to

I had someone raise a grievance because they were missed out on tea rounds. Although I did want to roll my eyes, it can be seen as bullying (being missed out on tea rounds and eye rolling, actually!).
If she’d just invited her immediate team that would be fine, but opening invitations to wider colleagues but excluding others is a dick move.
I wouldn’t get upset by it though. It’s a reflection on her, not you. There are just some cultural things you have to do when you leave (provided you aren’t leaving under a cloud!) like the obligatory “thanks [insert manager’s name here] for all your support”, “I wish the team well” “yes, let’s invite everyone for a leaving drink (….even though I don’t know half of those people’s names)”. It’s just good etiquette in a professional capacity, particularly given how small some industries are.

these tea rounds were during school hours
on school site
correct?

If she left a few out, it is a dick move. Its immature and nasty if only a few are left out. I certainly wouldn't be going to her leaving do.

How did you find out about it?

I don’t think my friend was stirring the conversation went something like-
friend- are you going to the night out?
me - no I didn’t even know there was one, is it on email?
Friend - erm I think it was a WhatsApp, maybe they forgot to add you
Me- who else is going?
friend - (awkwardly) while looking at the group - ‘pretty much everyone’.
Me - Even x and y?
Friend - yeah, sorry… I’d go out with you instead though.