To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

He belittles you in private
He belittles you in public (his mother)
You are the main earner
He is crap in bed, so much so that you have to fake it
You are already looking ahead and seeing 3 boys/men belittling you.. is this REALLY want you want for your sons?

Tell me you are in a broken marriage without telling me you are in a broken marriage

Something is only a joke If the person it's about thinks it's funny. Since you don't he's just being a jerk

Plus on a selfish note, there is far too much amazing sex to be had than to put up with faking it and missing out!

As a couple of PP have already said he is belittling you because he is projecting his own insecurities on to you.

You are the main earner and you sort all life and house admin out. In most families it would be one or the other. What does he bring to the table apart from being a "good dad"? Is he really helpful round the house, does he do the practical aspects if you are the thinker/organiser?

Repeating the insults back I think might only serve to bring his awareness to how fucking stupid he sounds (but more likely he'll just get defensive and dig his heels in about how you're "over sensitive" ).

I think you need serious conversation about your roles in your marriage and how you are both feeling and contributing. This might need to be facilitated by a professional couples counsellor. Or alternatively, I think you might need to LTB.

This. In which case I'd be tempted to take a different approach. Sit him down for a chat, do the concerned head tilt and ask 'Is everything ok, dh? I'm a bit worried about your low self-esteem. I know it must be hard for you that I'm more successful and earn more than you, but there's really no need to resort to clutching at straws to come up with tiny trivial things that supposedly mean I've 'fucked up'. It just makes you look a bit pathetic. No wonder you don't do it in front of other people. They'd just feel sorry for you, which would be embarrassing.' Then maybe do a little sad head shake if he ever does it again, to remind him how pitiful it makes him look.

Either that or tell him that if he ever does it again, you'll leave him.

Things he does @AttachmentFTW

• plays with the DC. takes them to stuff (though i book & pay for those things)
• cooks 90% of dinners
• puts out the bins

he doesn't drink or cheat or anything like that.

he does make me feel small a lot of the time. he is deeply insecure about everything so i don't feel anger towards him really. but i did feel really shitty about the make-up comment as his MIL was laughing but also she kind of looked sorry for me - and it felt really horrible.

i have tried to talk to him about stuff before but it gets pretty wild pretty quickly. we did try marriage counselling but he just cried and cried so much through the first session that i sat there like an idiot while the counsellor comforted him!

Yes I agree. Your husband is not funny in the slightest and is just being a twat. He is treating you with total disrespect and contempt.

And he is not a great dad. Great dads do not treat the mothers of their children like shit.

I would dump him and send him back to Mummy before the children start copying him.

He's utterly vile and treating you with contempt

I'd have gone back upstairs, cleaned my face and put my PJs on

The ONE mistake you made was marrying that arse

I know divorce is considered bad but… your husband is a fucking arsehole.

when he says it’s a joke what do you say?

Make him very insecure.

Ring a solicitor and tell him you've started divorce proceedings

He's a lost cause

We did try marriage counselling but he just cried and cried so much through the first session that i sat there like an idiot while the counsellor comforted him

I am not laughing I am but seriously?? You need a flipping medal for even staying with him after this ridiculousness. And having sex without heaving from the ick you must have

He sounds like a very small man who enjoys humiliating you to make himself feel big. Don't let your sons grow up thinking this is ok behaviour, they're watching and listening to how you interact.

he doesn't drink or cheat or anything like that

That's a really low bar.

"i have tried to talk to him about stuff before but it gets pretty wild pretty quickly. "

In what way 'wild'?

"we did try marriage counselling but he just cried and cried so much through the first session that i sat there like an idiot while the counsellor comforted him!"

So he deflected so much that you likely gave up on the counselling and just settled for a shit life with shit sex. Ah OP, you are worth more than this!

If you've tried counselling before, then the marriage has already been rocky and never settled since. I'd say it's time for you to bail out before he can really grind you down.

Ugh, he sounds foul, OP. I'd also be terrified to end up with all three of them making belittling comments at me. It sounds almost inevitable though. His closeness with your boys might not actually be a positive.

How did his father treat his mother, BTW? Is it in his family's culture?

You could try saying every time "Does it make you feel better somehow to put me down?" If he says you’re being over-sensitive just say "You’re doing it again. Does it make you feel better?"

Same here, I'd like to think I'd have had an epic comeback/reaction like "You clearly are uncomfortable with how lovely I look so you feel the need to make me feel shit about myself, so you can stay here and I am going for dinner on my own"

but I know I wouldn't in that actual moment.

My DH did something very very similar to me and i just felt ridiculed and ugly, scrubbed it all off and didn't really bother with make up again.

Which suited him and was likely his intent, because he was also like Ginge's DH, massively insecure and hated if any partner of his had confidence (he was the same with his ex before me, didn't manage to grind her down though, she escaped).

I might dish the epic comeback now I'm much older, because I'd spot what that behaviour was doing and its intent. I was younger then and less wise.

Honestly, OP with the make up thing, his mother, and the constant nasty sniping comments I think you have a big problem. It isn't going to go away. You need to go back to counselling with him and DO NOT LET HIM DOMINATE with his controlling histrionic tears performance. Funny how he became a crying little boy and got all the comfort and sympathy from the counsellor isn't it? Mine did the same. We left our sessions with him firmly vindicated and cast as the poor sad suffering wee hurt man. I never got to tell them any of his bullshit behaviours towards me. He got worse. They gave him permission to continue basically.

He's trying to make you feel insecure and destroy your confidence so you will be less likely to leave him.

Leave him. He won't change. He sounds utterly horrible I can't imagine living with someone like that.

"his closeness with the boys may not actually be a positive"

I think the reason i tolerate the 'jokes' and also try to keep everything 'light' around the house - and not getting angry - is because of the boys. i don't want them to grow up in a house of conflict.

i feel a bit paralysed by fear by the whole thing. like whatever i do -
a) stay and put up with it forever
b) stay and pull him up on it (and cause fights no doubt)
c) leave

I risk my relationship with my kids. Because i'm out the house more than him because of my work - i can just see him and the boys together against me somehow. i mean - they're so young and we are v close - and they want me ans ask for me for 99% of stuff (cuddles, night time stuff) but i just feel paralysed by this constant worry or fear that somehow i'm going to end up alone, with my kids and H all cosy and thinking i'm the problem.

You need to sit him down and say, 'I am utterly sick of the way you speak to me. The contempt is unreal. It's clear that you are insecure about the way I earn more, cope better and do everything, but I'm not your whipping boy, Jack - and ONE MORE SNIDE COMMENT and I will be seeing a solicitor and filing for divorce.

I don't make unpleasant comments to you - about your lack of ability in bed, as a breadwinner or as a decent husband. If you can't pull yourself together and grow up then you'll be living alone. You are setting an appalling example for our children and I am not having it any longer.'

Then walk away and mean it. The next comment simply say, 'That's it - I'm done' to him. And file for divorce. You can console yourself with the fact that he's a twat who did it to himself, despite the warnings if he cried.

It's not a "joke". He's undermining and mocking you and gaslighting you into believing its acceptable. It isn't!

@Ginge88 just on this, this is exactly what your reality will be. My dad did the same thing and I'm ashamed to say my mum became the butt of all jokes and also took the blame for absolutely everything in our house once teenage years hit. For everything. Even my dad forgetting his blood pressure medication was my mum's fault.

I love my mum dearly and treat her nicely now, but I was following my dad's example. I don't know why she stuck around tbh.

yes - i will talk to him about it. he has stopped down the '354th time' thing so much. but it feels like a pattern rather than just a one off. he think it's banter but it doesn't feel like banter. i really don't want to break up our family but also i don't know if can be made to feel so shitty so often!

Get out now before your boys turn into him.

Look how it’s got you though?? Now everything is being downplayed or it’s not happening as often! I get the fear and the unknown and if you’d rather stay and let your dc hear this and see this behaviour that’s up to you but trust me, better things and a better life is out there by not putting up with this behaviour. Sometimes you have to grasp life and the opportunities it throws your way. You may be sad for a little while but the relief you all will feel will far outweigh any sadness

It sounds like you want to try to salvage your marriage if possible. If so, I’d avoid the (albeit tempting) option of mocking his sexual prowess in a reciprocal way- there’s no way back from that, given that his insecurities seem to lie at the heart of his attempts to bring you down.

The suggestions about talking to him rationally are sensible, but given your previous attempts have been shut down by the ‘only joking’ response, there’s little point in repeating yourself.

You need to be totally hard-faced in your reactions- you becoming upset is exactly what he is aiming for . He is aiming to bring down your confidence, as he cannot handle you being capable, a high earner, and attractive.

I’d probably try a stone-faced, factual response every time- repetition of the same response from you might drive home how often he’s doing it. Maybe something like ‘Your unfunny, boring criticisms are destroying our marriage’.