To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

OK, you clearly know a lot more about this than I do, I was going off something I’d seen earlier on the thread. I’m sure this information is very helpful to OP. I’m happy to be wrong in this instance. I hope she can get out.

I'm an idiot. He's clearly upset the boss who has pulled him in for a chat and told him he's on performance management. Hes currently next to me saying "Ginge im telling you now my body and brain cannot cope with this bullying at work. Ppl are out to get me. I am heading to a mental breakdown. I am too vulnerable. Im not strong like you snd I can't tolerate this level of pressure" and shaking and mumbling. Hes gonna quit isn't it. Or have some sort of breakdown. Surely if he says hes too anxious to work, he won't get custody of kids. Surely?? Ive not idea if he's being manipulative or if he is genuinely having some sort of breakdown but I just wish more than anything I wasnt living with it. I have stopped the therapy.

Move out fast with the DC.

He isn't being bullied. He isn't having a breakdown. He is still trying to manipulate you.
Stay focused on your plans and your future.

He 100% isn't being bullied and likely hasn't even been dragged into a meeting with his boss. Unless HE is doing the bullying and the meeting is legit, he is just telling you a different story to the truth.

It's all manipulation. He is setting up he narrative for when you leave. To make you an evil person.

Don't waver, we are here with you.

Stay strong, this is another ploy to control you and mess with your head and emotions!

If he IS in the shit at work - its of his own doing due to his own behaviour, bullying my arse.

Potentially the whole thing is made up, but I suspect he is actually in the shit through his own stupid behaviour and is gearing up to jack in work to become your problem full time and he can pretend to be a SAHD.

Please get yourself and the children to safety ASAP. That might mean finding a refuge or at least getting some support from a DV organisation. It feels like he's escalating dangerously.

Hi OP I have just read through all your posts and none of the responses. You are amazing. I recognise so much of the guilt and frustration of being trapped and having to cope, cope, cope.
I just wanted to say I got away and am so happy on my own. My DC are adults now and treat me with respect and recognition of everything I did for them. They don’t even like visiting their dad and have no respect for him.
I did stay for a very long time because of practicalities and finances but now live in peace and happiness with the DC. Ex worked his way through various relationships but is now disabled from alcohol induced illness and is living alone.
You’ve done a lot and you’re nearly there. Be very careful now and assume worst case scenarios as you have a weak, abusive and angry man who wants to punish you. You need to get out or get him out.
Sending so much virtual support.

I think that this is just another weapon in his arsenal to stop you divorcing him. I can definitely believe that he is shit at his job as he is a shit husband and a shit father. He is motivated by malice, self-pity and a sense of entitlement that is off the charts. I doubt that he is popular with his managers or his colleagues.

You could tell him to contact ACAS for advice and to follow his workplace's guidance on bullying and harassment if he thinks that his boss's assessment of his performance is unjustified and that he is being bullied out of his job.

Alternatively, you could read all your own posts to remind yourself what a cocky, cruel man he really is and ask him why on earth he expects you to provide any sympathy and support after the way he treats you (i.e. with utter contempt).

You probably shouldn't do the second suggestion, but you should absolutely speak to your solicitor and get things moving with the divorce.

Luckily, as you have been posting on here for a while, you have a documented and contemporaneous record and timeline of his abuse and his attempts at parental alienation with your children to use as evidence against any attempts by him to gain full custody of your kids.

You’re not an idiot!! You’re dealing with a very messy situation, Ginge, and you’re keeping the whole show on the road. Now that you’ve dropped the couples counselling, do you have someone to talk to by yourself?

I don't think he's making it up. This happened with the last job. Starts to talk about bosses being against him, making things up (missed deadlines), he's being bullied, 'managed out' etc. But he is the problem. He is dislikeable - entitled - uninterested in other people. I've been keeping out of his way and he's just messaged to say he can't believe how cold and heartless i am.

oh just as i was writing this message - got another message "I cannot survive the day".

Dear god.

I know I can't put up with it.

There is surely no chance of him being SAHD - the kids are at school - i don't earn enough to pay him maintance - he should work and if he really really can't because his MH is too awful - then surely he wouldn't be seen safe enough to look after DC full time? i mean he's flailing around, talking to himself, saying he can't survive the day. I've told him he needs to get help. I've said that for years and he never has and i know never will.

The response to saying things like ‘I cannot survive the day’ is ‘Husband, I am worried about you. I will call the MH (or GP or similar) to come and see you, because you’re making me think you might do something silly to yourself’.
That way, his manipulations (for that’s all they are I’m afraid - people like this rarely do anything daft) will backfire massively because he’ll have to either stop it, or have a mark against him as having suicidal ideations - which may not be in his favour re the custody of the children.

Further my my last comment, actually make the call rather than telling him he needs help.
Because he doesn’t need HELP, he just needs the whole world to do what HE wants. Then he’ll be grand.

OP you know that threats of self harm are a form of abuse and an appalling one. He is writhing around in agonies of rage as he can’t get what he wants so is using every single tactic to try and get you back in line. He probably is feeling very distressed. So are you. But you are still thinking of other people. He is not capable of that so don’t let him take you down with him. You can’t help him.

I’ve only read bits of the thread. It’s incredibly hard but you need to take decisions for you and your children and stop catastrophising the future - custody, money, shared care. All that can come later. All you are doing now is prolonging the agony. Make a plan for YOU and the kids and do it. Stop pandering to his games.

I know this is harsh but how much longer do you want to live like this. There will always be a reason to stay if you seek it out.

As the others are saying, you cannot help him. He makes the rods for his own back. He , in his head, can do no wrong. Everyone else is wrong and he is always the victim. Hes playing this for all he can to get you on his side, to fight with him, to stay, comfort and support him. Then he can keep abusing you
It’s all about him. Everything in his life is about him.

You shouldn’t even listen. Or react. You should make your way out of this by starting divorce proceedings. Tell the lawyer and police police he’s threatening to kill himself. That’s coercive control, emotional abuse and it’s illegal. You could have had him out of the house months ago for abuse. I know it’s paralysing but you only have this one life. You need to gather yourself and save yourself and the children

By staying, you are, in his head, accepting his behaviour. You are giving him permission to keep doing it and escalating it. Giving him permission. Think about it. It will escalate, because you allow it

Presumably “can’t survive the day” is going to turn into full blown suicide threats if you try to distance yourself further, OP. That seems to be the pattern.

Mine threatened to kill himself, some day..said he’d use the Bentley…carbon monoxide.
It’s been in a big shed for 7 years. I told him to make sure he left the electric gates open that day, and put the trickle charger on it and get some petrol now because it would be a real let down for him if his master plan for attention collapsed because of a flat battery and lack of fuel on the day, and no one could get in to hear the engine running.

Honestly, genuine suicides rarely advertise it. It’s always a shock to the family and friends, so I wasn’t being heartless. I was letting him know I could see through him. He wrote back, ‘you’re funny’ .

I would also say that he has abused you for years, made previous threats and that you fear he might hurt you and the children.

Please don't allow your hesitation to cost your dearly.
This is only going one way.
Reach out for support.
He's not your responsibility.

Ive just read through your posts on this thread @Ginge88
You've done so well.
If you read your own posts through in order you can literally plot the tide turning from you being quietly abused, to finding your anger, and the cowards subsequent meltdowns when the penny drops that his game is over.

His job isn't your responsibility, your wellbeing has never been his.
Grey rock, get out, and i guarantee that a couple of years from now the knot in your chest will be a distant memory. Youve got this x

Tell him he needs to see his GP if he’s feeling like that. Don’t leave the kids with him at all and ake urgent plans to get out…

Hes come home and is pretend crying. He started cooking dinner and then lay on the floor. I feel like im in a bad soap opera. I've got this though. I can't tell you how much I dislike him. Im going. I am.

Ring for mental health support, tell them a grown man in lying on the floor crying and you are afraid for both you and your children. Do it now. Don't tell him you going to, just do it

I would call 111

That’s a great call… and it would be documented….