To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

There is a good chance your boys will turn into him, whether you stay or go. If you stay, you're showing them that this is what relationships are like and this is how we treat mum/women. If you go, you at least have control 50%of the time.

I feel like I'm recommending this book all too often but it just goes to show how common abusive men are -

Why does he do that?

Please read it OP.

You don't want your boys growing up in a house full of conflict, so you keep the peace and don't make a fuss. And, instead, your boys grow up learning that women can be spoken down to and treated like shit with no consequences.

Seriously, OP, don't make light of this. It's really bad.

He sounds truly vile.
An odious little oik, shit in bed, crying his eyes out in counselling to manipulate the therapist.🤢
What a truly foul example of manhood for your boys.
He is emotionally abusing you, and your children if they witness it.
Stop having sex with him for goodness sake OP.

It's worrying that you don't feel you can do better than being with him. Surely being single would be preferable

Op you are married to an absolute c*nt. Is there anyway you can leave him? If so please do it. I think you need to start being more aggressive in your responses. Tell him you will not tolerate this shit any longer and the next time he does it will be the last time (and mean it!).

I’m really sorry, OP. I would hate that too. For me it would be not so much the comments, shit as they are, but feeling that the person who is supposed to love you and be on your side is actually trying to make you feel small and crap. As you say it almost certainly comes from insecurity, he wants to bring you down, but I would not want to be with someone who felt like that about me - whatever the reason is. If you think there is a chance of him changing and addressing the root causes of his resentment of you, you could try counselling again, but other than that, I think you’re left with staying and putting up with really crap behaviour or leaving and negotiating potential difficulties around the separation and your kids. None of that is easy, it’s worth maybe getting some support of your own to think through your options in more depth, but you are not wrong to feel as you do. Next time he does it, I’d be tempted to look him in the eyes and tell him you are aware he would like you to feel negatively about yourself, that isn’t going to happen because you know your worth, and you are sorry that he feels this way, to you it isn’t compatible with the loving partnership you’d like to have with him. It probably won’t have any effect on him, but it will help to remind you that you are not diminished by criticism from a very fragile little man.

Playing with his own children and cooking dinner is what he's supposed to do, it's not an extra bonus. Putting out the bins, is that it? These are his only good qualities?

Completely agree. It's the minimum an adult should be doing.

You obviously want to save your marriage. Or at least give it your best try. I think you need to try counselling again, but I think you need to think about going individually as well as jointly. He is obviously deeply insecure, and he is lashing out at you - which to be fair, is something most of us do to the person we trust the most, but this is damaging you and your marriage and you both need to acknowledge that and be prepared to resolve it in positive ways. If he can’t do this then you need to protect yourself and the way you want your boys to be raised.

Man's a cunt

This is a low quality man. He is not fixable because this is who he is. He is just nasty. If my husband had ever spoken to me like that I imagine my ILs would have been pulling him up then and there or would be having a talk with him about it later. You MIL is probably used to it because your husband's dad was probably just like him.

You sound really worn down. That is part of his purpose. The makeup comment is very telling. He wants to undermine your confidence so you dont leave. The weeping at the counselling meeting was to make you feel bad so he didnt to address his sad little passive aggressive behaviour. Yes, you can rationalise staying with him for the boys but anybody who was not worn down would realise that having your children see how their father treats their mother is not doing them any favours.

Life is shorter than you think. Time goes very fast. Don't waste your life with this man who is plain nasty and makes you unhappy. I imagine as your sons become more accomplished or do well he will eventually do the same sort of thing to them. Yes being a single parent can be hard but surely getting away from this resentful insecure man and his dreadful mother would be worth it. I imagine giving up the awful sex will be no loss. You already organise everything now.

Forget the snappy comebacks. You don't need to buy into his way of behaving. Get yourself to a solicitor for legal advice as a first step.

That’s despicable. My ex used have a similar one of “Are you going out like that?”, or “I thought you’d want to get changed.”

He did it because he is a terrible person, and see me hurt and belittled was amusing for him.
As I say, he’s only an ex.

‘And that’s the 978th time you’ve been a twat.’

I don’t envy you your choice and understand it’s usually not as simple as LTB.

I think you need to not do a)

You need b) and if it doesn’t then seriously contemplate c).

If you choose a) your children will grow up thinking this is how relationships should look, and it’s setting the bar for their treatment of you, and future partners and quite possibly women generally.

All of this
You cannot fix this marriage. You’ve tried counselling etc and it is a lost cause.
Leave and make the most of this short life we all have

Do NOT go to counselling with this man. These types of people are extremely manipulative and run rings around counsellors, as you have seen.

Be very sceptical of his 'insecurity' too. Martha Stout calls this 'the Pity Play' in her book 'the sociopath next door':

"“If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."

I was with one for years and I recognise what he's doing. Get individual counselling with someone who specialises in abuse, because otherwise they may not spot it - you are covering for him well.

I did it too, because even though he was beating shit out of me on a regular basis, I felt sorry for him. He was so isecure and vulnerable, and I thought my love could heal him if only I could find the right way to get through to him.

But they don't want to heal. They only want to use and hurt you. And if you stay, he will either do the same to your children, or teach them to abuse you too. Or both.

I'm not trying to find some way to resolve this because of loyalty to him or because I don't want to be single or something. I dont care about being single. In fact it sounds appealing!. But I want to find a way through because I'm scared for DC. I'm desperate to work out how to make it better for them. Sometimes it feels like the best way us just to turn a blind eye to his shitty "jokes". I have tried talking to him but he doesnt take it seriously or becomes v angry.

There is but the opposite is also toxic. I heard my own dad comment on my lovely mums clothing choices,makeup and hair and it made me hate him.

My boys have been raised to appreciate there mum and we go shopping for birthdays where they can pick out items that they think she will love.

Me and my dad have reconciled but I’ll never truly forgive him. Which is sad.

I think it would be better for the kids if you separate. They are learning that this atmosphere at home and this treatment of women are normal. That's a lot to unpick when they are older.

Are you worried about their safety if left alone with him?

Sorry op posted before I’d read your update otherwise I’d have waited. As per my post kids know. I knew it’s horrid the bit about your makeup and your Mil really upset me a random man on the internet. The person who should have your back is saying that to you the mother of his children he’s bang out of order.

He needs to stop!

@ManchesterGirl2 your last question made me well up a bit actually. Because I think I am. Not sure why. He's never laid a finger on any of us but I can't explain how much he will despise me if I leave him, which yes makes me fearful for them.

I'm sorry. That's a really difficult position to be in 💐

What a bastard 😠 I know he's not "done anything" physical but the fact that you're instinctively scared says a lot about his behaviour.

@ManchesterGirl2 it may be totally misplaced fear. He just doesn't seem to like me very much. And the kids have suffered when we fight. He listens to too much crap online too. Not andrew tate stuff but still angry men stuff. He likes to listen to russeell brand conspiracy theory stuff on his phone in bed. Certainly wouldn't miss that if I left!

I'm not making him sound like much of a catch am I! 🙄

I'm sorry @ChristmasFluff what you went through. It's a weird thing feelinh sorry for someone and yet being a bit scared of them too. I tell myself I'm not scared but I feel v anxious at thought of sitting him down and telling him I'm fed up of the jokes

Do you have DC with your ex?