To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

I suspect he’s getting ready to paint you as the villain. Be careful.

Expect a massive mental health crisis and pitiful threats to self harm.

He will be desperately trying to get you back in line.

Please talk to the police an Women's aid.
This is a dangerous man and they are never more dangerous than when running out of rope.

Start telling people the relationship is over.
Stress his abuse of both you and the children.
You can do this.

He is temporarily acting ok so that he can say he never does anything wrong, when you have the leaving discussion. I agree talk to police and women's aid, OP. You're on a long journey but it is absolutely worth it in the end.

He is in retreat/regroup at the moment. Its just a phase. The reality is that he smashed the marriage and it can’t be put back together. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, OP! You have got this.

How are things?
thinking of you

Thanks @Debbz9 I'm OK. Stalemate really. He is still here. My work is so busy that I'm struggling to keep on top of things, having 15 mins with kids at end of the day. Thank you for checking on me. I'm keeping going.

It’s good to hear you’re okay. I was hesitant to ask, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I hope you’re able to get him out of the house soon, you must be exhausted holding everything together.

There is something to salvage - you and the kids.
If DH will agree to couples counselling you will have support in explaining to him that his behaviour has gone way too far and that you can't see a way of being happy with him ever again; therefore you need to split, and to do it in the least painful way possible. If he can keep his focus on making things as easy as possible for the children, there's a chance you can get there.

You cannot go to couples counselling with this guy. He will lie. He will play the victim. He will gaslight, project and generally make the whole thing a waste of time. He is not interested in hearing what he has done, how he makes her feel, what can change to make things better. Or accepting that things went too far and there is no way back. He has no interest in making anything easy.
He is a misogynist.
He abuses on purpose. He wants to erode her self esteem. He wants to keep her where he can abuse her emotionally and verbally. He will not want to separate or he would have gone to the fictional place he claimed to have found. Getting rid is like trying to get out of quicksand..but counselling is never ever going to change anything for the better. ..

He may well behave like that, but OP would have the support of someone sitting there listening to him with her and helping her say how she is being affected by his lies, and that she no longer trusts him. And that she wants him to move out. A therapist wouldn't let him get away with going quiet or changing the subject. 'Your wife says she wants you to move out. How are you going to respond to that? Are you planning to continue living with her against her will?' etc.
At the moment, as OP says herself, it's stalemate.

He knows all that. He doesn’t care.

He won’t pay any more attention with another person there.
It would be a waste of money and when they leave because she has to go back home with him, he will not be someone she wants to be next to in the car or alone with back home.

He is already aware he is living with her against her will. Separate rooms, he said he was going but didn’t, after she told him she wanted a divorce. He will make things as awkward as he possibly can. Personally, I think she should leave, when he not aware she is going, but the lawyer said not to.
If she pushes too far, she could be in physical danger. He has already demonstrated his contempt for her on numerous occasions, Reason does not work. He wants control.

I don't think you have got the point of why I think couples counselling could help; it's not about reasoning with this man or trying to fix the relationship, but about empowering and supporting OP to make the necessary arrangements as safely as possible.

It is not advised to have couples counselling when one partner is abusive. It doesn't help the non-abusive partner; it just gives the abusive one more insight and ways to be abusive.

The OP could get support and empowerment from counselling on her own, if she wished to

I do get the point. I said counselling would not work for either path, just to cover all bases.
It will not facilitate making arrangements.
The counsellor can do nothing. It does no good to take someone like him to counselling. They have no empathy. It’s all about them.
He said he had somewhere and would be gone in a week. He is still there. He has no intention of letting her go or leaving. No counsellor will change that. If he even agrees to go …which he might as it’s another opportunity to play the victim and manipulate the situation for himself.
And afterwards? She is alone with him in the car. In the house. And he will turn nasty once he sees there is no backtracking on her side. She needs help, but it’s not a counsellor. She needs to find somewhere safe to go.
When they know their victim is actually leaving is when abusive partners are at their most dangerous.

Thinking of you this long weekend and hope you’re coping, OP.

I’m sending you some Easter hugs OP. X

Really wishing you well and hope you are moving forward.

What happened to the place he was moving to? You need to divorce asap or he'll string this out forever.

How are you getting on, @Ginge88? x

There was a thread a few weeks ago from someone saying they’d name changed to avoid outing themselves, but they’d just filed for divorce having previously discussed the situation on here. I don’t know for sure, but maybe it was something in the writing style that made me think it was her. I hope so.

I so hope so.
Would love to know she is doing ok.
He's such a horror.

Sorry. Im not replying because im ashamed on lack of progress. Still in separate rooms but in same house. He wss doing weekly therapy and was sobbing and begging me to join him in therapy "to do it for the kids". And I agreed. And therapy is a disaster. I just sit quietly while he talks for 90% of the session about "improving communication" and other bullshit he doesnt believe and she nods along and says "sounds sensible and emotionally mature, dont u agree Ginge?" And he he grins at me. Worst decision I ever made and you all told me it would be.

I have sold my car, my engagement ring snd a load of clothes and have a good amount to pay for the best solicitor.

There is no drama in the house as hes pretending hes this new man. But I feel his hate towards me, deep resentment. He's all smiles in front of the kids but will make cruel comments as jokes when he

He told his boss he was getting a divorce and had a public breakdown at work and they had to drive him home and he was this quivering wreck and the day after I caved on the therapy thing

Its like treacle or something. Its so hard to make progress. And all the while I just mamage the juggle of work, school, home and weeks pass.

Hes never going to move out. I see i can't trust anything he says.

Oh god @Ginge88 this is so familiar to me, exactly how it played out for me although thank fuck I didn’t go to therapy with him. He went though, and weaponised the therapy speak against me, said I had emotional issues because I didn’t talk to him about my dad’s terminal cancer and that I was avoidant 🫤

Also had a “breakdown” and was never going to move out until I suggested nesting and found, leased and fully furnished a house. I had to literally carry the dining table in on my own bc he literally would not lift a finger to help. After 6 months of “nesting” he started dating and got sick of doing childcare and decamped there permanently. Would that be an avenue for you?

Dont beat yourself up about lack of progress. I stayed for 7 years after he gave me a black eye 😵‍💫 I look back and I don’t recognise the woman I was in that relationship, and I was in it from age 20 - 41.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband is a master of manipulation who will sink to previously unplumbed depths in his attempts to play the victim, even to the extent of having a public breakdown at work. I can just imagine his smirk as everyone is taken in and showering him with sympathy.

Your therapist is dreadful, completely biased and allowing a covert narcissist to pull the wool over her eyes. She should be struck off. Please stop the joint therapy immediately and find your own therapist with the specific brief of how to leave your abusive husband and minimise the amount of damage that he will try and inflict on you and your children.

It takes time Ginge, you will get there. Please don't beat yourself up. Just keep your eye on the prize and fake all the smiles you need to. When the opportunity to strike presents itself you will know. We are with you and here for you.