To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Please don’t patronise me. I have seen at first hand cases where the couples counsellor has stopped the therapy saying that the only solution is breaking up and the abusive partner needs psychiatric treatment. It can be very validating. Obviously it’s not a golden bullet.

Sorry, I was irritated by your response and snapped back. Couples counselling with an abuser can go wrong in the way you describe. But it just might help if the therapist gets the measure of both partners. It can help the abused partner to find a voice. I would say it’s worth trying if s person who needs to leave can’t find another way of leaving.

I don't think that couples counselling with an abuser is EVER worth chancing.

So many are manipulative house terrorists that can turn on the charm very easily.

My father was one.
Two totally different people.

For every excellent, qualified, therapist, counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist out there, there are many that are very poor at their jobs.

IMO not worth taking the chance of your abuser, further abusing you via one of the above.

He's trying to drag you down because of his shit self esteem. Leave him you can't live like that

Anyway, pros and cons of counselling aside, it does feel as if you’ve come a long way already, Ginge. There was a time you weren’t even sure your feelings about his treatment of you were justified. Probably also a time when having a separate bedroom would have felt like a major win. I suspect small changes are happening inside you all the time. If and when the limit of this relationship is reached, you’ll be meeting it as a different person from who you were a year ago or two years ago.

It is never advisable and it is not advised to do couples counseling where there is suspected abuse. The counseling sessions do not have the weight or power to alter the at home situation. An abuser, sociopath, or narcissistic person will easily exploit the therapist and the situation—even if it is explicitly mediation for separation or divorce.

An abusive person can not be educated or constrained by the therapist or the therapy.

Please stop recommending this to vulnerable people. It is explicitly forbidden to therapists for very good reason.

That being said, ginge, please find a therapist or keep posting here for validation and support. It is not easy to break free from a man like this. In the UK there is more awareness of, and support for, coercive control by men over female partners. Please start looking into help from outsiders to recognize the mental games he is playing and to free yourself from his control. None of what you describe should happen in a good relationship—none of it should happen to YOU! You and your children deserve serenity and happiness. Please keep fighting to leave safely.

Since when do I 'keep recommending' anything to 'vulnerable people'? I raised it as a possible course of action because it can - sometimes - help in ways that I've already explained.
I imagine that like me you are an experienced therapist, and can only say that our experience and possibly trainings disagree on this point. I'm not going to reply to any future posts about this because they are distracting from the OP's thread.

She really isn't a good therapist. I actually called out the note and said "DH has just passed me a note to tell me off and how im wasting his money" and she said "well guys, for this time only ill extend our session for 5 mins so now no need to argue about that". She placates him all the time. "Bob we haven't heard from ginge very much during this session. I know thats because you care so deeply/feel so passionate" or the worst when I told her about him shouting at me and he said "i shout because you make me feel unsafe" and she nodded sympathetically. Its like he suddenly swallowed a therapy speak book

Anyway - it was a mistake. I caved to make the dysfunction go away. This was when he wss throwing himself on the ground, being driven home for work, saying all sorts of stuff in frotn of the kids and I just wanted it to stop. I wish I had been stronger. I just need to get used to resisting and ignoring his behaviour as I know it will continue throughout co parenting. I feel exhausted at the thought.

In other moments though I feel so happy. Happy daydreaming when he is no longer in my home. Keep an eye on the prize and all that. And at least I've got some money saved now which he cant get. And I know where I stand legally. I just havw to repeat what I did a few months ago - "its over and thats it". I remember feeling scared but also weirdly excited that it wss happening.

If he is behaving like this in front of you sons, you need to get out before he nutures them into misogynistic little twats as well.

I would consider having some therapy lined up for your dc. My ex managed to have our oldest ds parrot fashion his mantras. Haven't seen him since he was 16 sadly. Now 25....
Small win was exh died alone at home while our dc gamed in their bedrooms at his house.. Horrific they found him but he wasn't holding court over a ward of staff like he had always imagined...
We went to Relate.. Where a mna wearing sandals and socks told me I had hang ups about sex... No mate I just didn't want to be raped again so slept in another room.

You can't argue with a narcissist.. And you sadly can't co parent with a cunt either. Look into apps that work for divorced dps...

“ I shout because you make me feel unsafe “
Projecting. He knows he makes you feel unsafe. Or intends to.

I agree with the poster saying the longer the children witness this, the more it will affect how they treat partners and skew their view of what is normal . This isn’t just about the OP. It’s about the children too. Of course he is good to them..they are his disciples. He’s going to train them to be his. You need to get them away. The coercive control is one of your weapons to turn on him. The law recognises it now.

You do need to submit a complaint about the therapist if you feel up to it.

She is in no way impartial and has been completely taken in by your manipulative husband. It almost seems as though she has developed feelings for him which is quite scary. You should stop attending these sessions with immediate effect and find your own therapist.

A relationship therapist is biased towards keeping the relationship going—the relationship is the client. Not the individuals. It is not easy to call out/attack/or rein in one party and usually the most emotionally underdeveloped of the two gets the most coddling because they are the most likely to blow up the therapy.

I am not excusing the therapist. But I don’t think Ginge should waste precious time or energy on the therapist. Just end it cordially and with a fake smile via email.

”Dear Dr X,
Thank you for the sessions. They were most clarifying. I do not plan to attend further sessions with you or your organization. For your information I was pressured to attend, Rudolph is extremely abusive to me outside of the sessions, and I did not feel safe or listened to inside the therapy. I understand that it is not best practice to attend couples therapy with an abusive partner so I am withdrawing from this therapy. Best, ginge.

Make sure your recordings are backed up & somewhere safe - a flash drive in your work locker?
Pick out the choicest bits of him ranting and swearing at you, play them back in the next counselling session if you choose to attend another one.

I can't believe how long you left it to move into the spare room - watching anything at 3am, let alone Russel Brand conspiracy theories - quite apart from how disrespectfully he treats you.

Hope he finally goes soon.

I think this is more likely to happen if you stay, and they see him treating you with contempt and you putting up with it, as ifvthats what you should be doing. The only problem may he that as you are the one working whether he'd have a case for residency. He can be a great dad and be there for the kids but not have you as a punchbag, and your sons will see that there is a consequence to treating people like shit

We both work full time. So it will be 5050 at worst, and I really hope that wouldn't happen. But maybe it will. Depends on his response really - which so far has been self-serving, maniuplative and put him own distress above the DC every time.

Completely agree that the therapist is trying to keep us together more than anything. I don't think she's taken in entirely by him, she just allows him to dictate the sessions. She gives us homework like 'spend 3 evening this week together on the sofa, don't look at phones, have a cuddle'.

The therapy is a distraction and a delay - and it's annoying - but I just grin my teeth and get through it. He's paying for it. But you're right - i will put a stop to it.

Her 'homework' for you to spend three evenings a week on the sofa having a cuddle with your abusive DH has made me go cold all over. Does your therapist genuinely believe that you (singular) are having therapy because you want to stay with your DH and to make your marriage work? Your DH found this therapist. Is that what he told her? I find this quite distressing so goodness knows how you feel.

Putting a stop to it needs to be a priority. It is just compounding the damage. You owe no one an explanation. You dont need to inform the therapist. Just refuse to go. Wishing you all the best, plus strength and fortitude.

Wait, so the therapy is (in his and the therapist's eyes) aimed at working on your marriage and staying together?

So now he can say, come cuddle on the couch all evening because the therapist says so. 😳😖 Can see why he chose this therapist and doubtless primed her. Never ever go back.

If you stay , he will still turn your children against you. At least if you leave, you get 50% of counteracting him and they don’t get to see him belittle and abuse you. He will still do it, talk about your deficiencies, but it’s not as powerful a message as watching him do it with you taking it. Visually watching abuse is seriously damaging

I get the paralysed bit. It’s a big change but he is narcissistic. There’s no living with these guys that ever turns out well and staying will damage your children more than leaving.

How can we help you figure out what you need to leave safely?

@Ginge88You know deep down what you have to do. The fear of what the future holds for you and your boys isn’t a good enough reason to put it off any longer.

You’ve got money. You’ve got a plan. You want to be free of him. Now make it happen. Don’t listen to his hysterical manipulation. Just leave him.

Please don’t get to August (a year after you first posted) and still be in this abusive relationship. We’re all rooting for you. xx

He's coming home from work so stressed. Lying on the sofa pretending to sleep. Talking to himself. Muttering. Saying "I feel terrible. Awful". Staring into the distance. Shaking his head and walking round ignoring us. Hes a mess. Says it is to do with work. I don't think his colleagues like him. He thinks he's being "pushed out". Started saying he cant cope.

It's all just bloody impossible!! I'm doing everything. Holding it all together!

Sorry just ranting. It's so hard in this house.