To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

It’s a nasty and belittling thing to say. He’s trying to put you down, make you question yourself, make you feel small. He clearly has zero respect for you. I wouldn’t stay in a set up like this.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are just trying to get through every day.
That is all you can do.
Continue your planning.
Are you paying for therapy?
If so, can you just stop?

You have nothing to be ashamed of - he’s a master of manipulation & hateful to boot. Hang in there & you will find a way, no matter how long it takes.

Not paying for therapy. @Goldcushions2
He is. Last week I was 5 mins late (its online so we just sit at the kitchen table on a laptop). I was 5 mins late as was soothing a very upset toddler at bedtime who kept calling for me. When I sat down and the therapist was on the screen he'd written down the amount of money that 5 mins equated to and passed it to me shaking his head.

Thanks for people being so patient. Im v frustrated with myself. It's not even that im changing my mind. I only said yes to therapy to stop the drama and his sobbing and the dysfunction. I never ever for a second want to be with him.

I hope you are keeping a diary to record all of these incidents? They might be small on their own but they form a pattern of behaviour.

Ugh what an absolute fucking loser @Ginge88

The fact that he passed it to you as a note rather than just making a comment in front of the therapist means that he knows it’s not on. What a bell end.

Have you told people about what he’s like? I was surprised by how many people (including his own friends and especially their wives) were unsurprised when they learnt what he was like and v supportive of me.

First of all Ginge, please don't be ashamed of the time it's taking, in some cases it can be better to take time, in as much as by the time you do eventually make the move, you will be TOTALLY convinced that it's the right thing to do.

With regard to the therapy, I would send the Counsellor an email telling her that you are no longer going to attend, and why, ie, that he's pulling the wool over her eyes, and what she's doing is basically encouraging his behaviour.

Finally, and I don't know how this might pan out, but what would happen if you left with the boys, and stopped paying the mortgage, and bills on the current home, in order to rent a different house? Would/could he pay when he started receiving reminders from the bank, as of course if the house and mortgage are in joint names, he is equally liable? My only concern is whether this could damage your credit rating, but it might be worth giving some thought to, as it's natural your first thought, when you've been used to paying for everything, would be, 'I can't do that', but why can't you? You might even only have to rent an AirBnB for a few weeks, before he sees sense and moves out, because he can't/doesn't want to pay the bills on the current home, just for him to live in. Of course this idea might be totally crazy, but I just thought it might be worth exploring, and who knows, it might even break the impasse that you're at at the moment. Sending you hugs, and lots of support OP. Keep going, you CAN do this!!

Definitely make a note of him passing you nasty notes during therapy.
Fxxker.
Stay strong.
We are hear for you and welcome the day that you will be free of him.

I hope he dies screaming😁

JFC, he's like the teacher's pet, bullying the other pupils when the teacher's back is turned and can't see what he is doing.

Write everything down about your DH's behaviour and the therapist's response. You may have grounds for a complaint if she unquestioningly accepts his version of events.

I am a therapist—please speak directly to the therapist and tell her “My husband is abusing me privately and through this therapy. I will no longer participate and it is not appropriate for you to hold us both in therapy now that I have informed you.” Email her or soeak to her privately and tell her to find a way if ending the sessions without putting you at risk.

Just end it. We are not to give couples counseling to patients who are in an abusive relationship. I review this rule with my couples when we start. I let them know that ordinary rules of confidentiality don’t apply in situations where one of the couple is at risk. And I also state that I reserve the right to terminate the therapy or convert it to individual counseling if I feel that is safer for one party.

Never ever go to therapy with an abusive man. Ever. They will just use it as another opportunity to abuse you in some way. By all means go to your own session but ever with them.

Op, you have your therapist right there. Interrupt, and read out the note. And say I was soothing a crying child, what’s that worth to you in dollars and cents? Zero I guess since you’ve never bothered.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I've only just come across your thread and my goodness you're going through it. You're a strong lady and a wonderful mum so please don't doubt that.

He's what my father in law would call a street angel and house devil, my mother is the same. I've been told countless times how lucky I am to have a mother like her, but they have no idea of the abuse that has gone on all through my life.

He's been gaslighting you for the entirety of this thread and no doubt long before. Last year he was clearly pushing you for a reaction as any attention is good attention to people like him, even if it's negative.

Perhaps the final straw just hasn't happened for you yet and that's ok. It's a huge change and full of unknowns. The question is, is the unknown future likely to be worse than the life you and your boys are living just now? I don't know, what was your first thought when you read that question? That might be a clue.

Please don't stop posting, writing things down can really help to clarify thoughts.

Don’t feel bad, OP, these things take time.

Keep posting! You are not alone!

He was always going to fool a therapist. That’s why many of us warned against it but it’s easy to agree when they do the crocodile tears. He knows what buttons to press for sympathy and guilt. He is only desperate for control. You will get there and you should come on here to vent, or write things down because it helps clarify and line up the thoughts in your mind, which will probably whirl at times. Maybe you could see the therapist on your own , just once, to say your piece. I would. I’d tell her she is being fooled by a master manipulator and she should get another job if she can’t see that.
There is no point saying anything while he is present. It’s his stage and if he thought for a moment that he could not control the narrative, he would not have suggested it, or gone along.
You will get there. Keep thinking positive thoughts and if he starts the manipulations, think of other things and don’t listen to him. Just say something bland, pretend some task needs doing and walk away. Everything he says is a lie. I’ve never understood why they want us so badly when they hate us so much..power I guess is stronger

Oh and you can refuse to go back or engage in more ‘therapy’ . If you do, don’t change your mind this time. He won a victory talking you round after you refused several times. Now he knows or believes you will cave to anything if he pushes hard enough and pretends to cry. And he can get outsiders on his side. He’s empowered again.

I’m glad to hear from you OP, even if it’s not the news we were hoping for, it’s just good to know you’re okay. Did you tell the therapist about the note? He’s an awful human being and I’m so sorry you’re stuck in this situation. I hope you find a good solicitor who can help you get away from him.

Keep posting @Ginge88
people like him will just use therapy to abuse and control you, so you do need to stop or explain the situation to the therapist 121.

the breakdown of my marriage was kind of similar and it was very hard to keep trusting my gut, but I’m glad I did. I did end up leaving the family home for my sanity, which hit me financially but worked for me at the time. He was never going to leave.

if you have someone good enough, I used to call my sister every time (ex)H messaged or emailed me with his controlling shit as my first response was usually to panic and give in. I needed a lot of scaffolding around me to go ‘grey rock’ but once I got in the swing of it it helped massively. I understood I needed to be the villain to him. I also stayed to keep my boys secure and manage their lives but it’s been so much better since divorcing, though I did have to just accept that they would have their time with him and I couldn’t control what happened then.

Well, you got your wish and see how that’s turned out ..I hope you remember the next time you advise someone to go with their abuser.

OP Have you talked with Womens Aid or a solicitor about coercive control? That’s what he is using in you and it’s illegal. You might be able to get him out of the house the next time he tries any of this tears and drama. Call the police that he is trying to force you to do something …

I'm amazed and utterly disgusted in this day and age, with all that is known about the risks of couples' counselling when one of the partners is abusive, that @Ginge88 therapist, being paid for by the abuser, just sat there nodding while this vile man was operating in plain sight. It sounds like the therapist completely incompetent and potentially in breach of regulations governing therapy.

What a nasty comment.
I can’t guarantee how couples counselling turns out. I can only say that it can support an abused partner to leave if necessary. Which is true.

It's really important that advice is never given for women in abusive relationships to attend counselling with the man in question. Really important. Please don't try to justify your advice and be defensive.

Are you putting your side of things in the sessions OP? You being at the end of your tether and needing to leave is part of the picture. You have every right to say that.