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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

593 replies

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:05

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

OP posts:
Blades2 · 06/08/2024 23:12

My parents dragged me on a holiday when I was 16,and I hated every single last fucking minute of it.
She’s 17, she will be fine for a week.

Zwellers · 06/08/2024 23:14

She's 17, assuming no sn as you have not mentioned. Leave her at home. Its not a holiday as such for her, it's visiting boring old people who don't speak English and being stuck in house with them with nothing to talk about, then somewere else equally dull. Bits a holiday for you, rubbish for her, and when she sulks you will blame her even more.

Polarnight · 06/08/2024 23:35

Blades2 · 06/08/2024 23:12

My parents dragged me on a holiday when I was 16,and I hated every single last fucking minute of it.
She’s 17, she will be fine for a week.

Read the ops posts ffs

wellington77 · 07/08/2024 00:10

Joanfromnextdoor · 06/08/2024 20:46

So we saw the gp today and he strongly advised us to seek psychiatric help for our dd as she is depressed/severe anxiety. I knew she was struggling but I hadn’t realise how much until last night and at the gp this morning. She is definitely going on holiday but we have agreed with my parents that she can lock herself in a bedroom and not seeing anyone.

Would someone have a good recommendation for a private psychiatrist in London who treats adolescent ? Thank you

I would definitely recommend Dr Christos Dimitriou, not sure if he sees adolescent’s but he probably does. He is the kindest, most patient and good humoured psychiatrist I have ever met. He used to be a government advisor and head of mental health in Westminster, he’s not cheap but without him I would not be my happy self I am today. He made my GP sit up and listen that’s for sure! He will do his first sessions on diagnosis then advise a treatment plan- medication and or therapy . Last I knew he had an office in Harley Street and Golders Green. Honestly I never felt embarrassed telling him anything, he made me feel like I was actually brave and strong for still being alive frankly with the lack of treatment for my now diagnosed bipolar. I’m not really sure why but I can’t get the website to work, but here are his details and secretarties details: Sara St. John Perry
Practice Manager
Tel: 07720558940
For and on behalf of

Dr. Christos Dimitriou
Consultant Psychiatrist
Director CD Practice Limited
www.christosdimitriou.co.uk

T1Dmama · 07/08/2024 02:21

She comes and behaves herself or she looses all allowances and the trips are cancelled / you’ll take someone else!! And stick to it!!
If she’s refusing to come and isn’t trusted to stay home then she needs to go and stay with a friend as your house will be locked up and she’s not allowed her key!!
My parents went away when I was 18 and my brother was 22…. They didn’t trust my brother so we both had not stay at my Grandmothers house! He opted to stay at a friends instead!! Take her key off her and tell her she only stays if she can find someone to stay with… staying home alone isn’t an option… it’s your house, it doesn’t matter how old she is, you set the rules in your home!!

Hothotdamage · 07/08/2024 05:31

T1Dmama · 07/08/2024 02:21

She comes and behaves herself or she looses all allowances and the trips are cancelled / you’ll take someone else!! And stick to it!!
If she’s refusing to come and isn’t trusted to stay home then she needs to go and stay with a friend as your house will be locked up and she’s not allowed her key!!
My parents went away when I was 18 and my brother was 22…. They didn’t trust my brother so we both had not stay at my Grandmothers house! He opted to stay at a friends instead!! Take her key off her and tell her she only stays if she can find someone to stay with… staying home alone isn’t an option… it’s your house, it doesn’t matter how old she is, you set the rules in your home!!

You might want to read more than just the first post, there is a chance in 22 pages things have moved on.

Original poster
Joanfromnextdoor · 07/08/2024 07:28

Thank you so much @wellington77 I’m going to look him up ! And glad to hear you are feeling better 😘

OP posts:
Original poster
Joanfromnextdoor · 07/08/2024 07:32

Before I leave the thread, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to tell me what would they do if they were in my shoes.

OP posts:
Trumpetoftheswan2 · 07/08/2024 07:56

Joanfromnextdoor you sound like a wonderful mum. I hope that your dd gets the help that she needs.

Look after yourself.

Miffylou · 07/08/2024 08:47

Message deleted by me.

JFDIYOLO · 07/08/2024 10:21

G

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 07/08/2024 10:27

Miffylou · 07/08/2024 08:47

Message deleted by me.

Edited

Everyone can still see it though. Edit ≠ delete you know. Why do people think that?!?

JFDIYOLO · 07/08/2024 10:32

I removed my earlier message as I'm sorry I'd missed your updates.

Really interesting to see how your initial frustration at what seems like a sullen teen's stubbornness so quickly grew into concern with her revelations of what lay beneath.

Mental health issues in teens are a big issue and need professional care and understanding.

They're not necessarily just being a pain. We have to ask and listen and empathise with what they're experiencing. COVID isolation in their adolescence, mad things happening in their own cities today, scary big things happening in the world, identity crises ... I wouldn't want to be a teen today.

Great you were able to get GP and do hope you are all able to enjoy the trip.

OutOfChargeNow · 07/08/2024 10:49

Bornnotbourne · 06/08/2024 12:10

I think this is why teenagers are such arse these day. No independence at all. I had a job and was living independently at 17, my colleague had a son and was studying for Alevels. Set them free!!

I am not sure these are things to aspire to.

OutOfChargeNow · 07/08/2024 11:10

Joanfromnextdoor · 06/08/2024 20:46

So we saw the gp today and he strongly advised us to seek psychiatric help for our dd as she is depressed/severe anxiety. I knew she was struggling but I hadn’t realise how much until last night and at the gp this morning. She is definitely going on holiday but we have agreed with my parents that she can lock herself in a bedroom and not seeing anyone.

Would someone have a good recommendation for a private psychiatrist in London who treats adolescent ? Thank you

Look at the Clinical Partners website. Good luck OP. I think your plan is a good compromise.

Arrivapercy · 07/08/2024 11:12

She's 17 you really should be able to leave her home a few days without thinking she'll leave the fridge open!

You need to give her a bit of independence, she's practically an adult.

OutOfChargeNow · 07/08/2024 11:14

Arrivapercy · 07/08/2024 11:12

She's 17 you really should be able to leave her home a few days without thinking she'll leave the fridge open!

You need to give her a bit of independence, she's practically an adult.

When threads are over ten pages long, it’s always a good idea to have a quick look at the OP’s posts. Things move on.

SnozPoz · 07/08/2024 11:16

She's still a child and you're the parent. Seriously why is this even a discussion? She's coming with you and needs to suck it up. It's a week.

Goodtogossip · 07/08/2024 12:15

Tell her she has to come with you however you don't expect her to join in with you all once she's there. She can stay in, watch TV or whatever she wants to do that she'd be doing at home if she stayed on her own. Don't have any expectations of her while you're away that way you'll not be disappointed & it won't spoil the holiday for the rest of you. Don't pander to her while you're there let her do her own thing & you might find she'll join in when she sees the rest of you enjoying yourselves.

Polarnight · 07/08/2024 12:17

Read the updates 😁

PrincessOlga · 07/08/2024 12:21

It is interesting you mention a 17-year-old and going to Normandy, especially following the recent D-Day commemorations.

Nipsmum · 07/08/2024 13:55

My Father would have told me " my house, my rules.
You are not being asked you are being told.
When you have your own house you can do as you like and I won't tolerate you ruining everyone else's holiday
No questions.

RampantIvy · 07/08/2024 13:57

Read the updates @Nipsmum

Miffylou · 07/08/2024 16:39

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 07/08/2024 10:27

Everyone can still see it though. Edit ≠ delete you know. Why do people think that?!?

Show quote history

Because for some unknown reason MN don’t seem to have the option to delete your own message without contacting them and asking them to do it, which can take time.

If I’m wrong, please tell me how to do it. If I’m not, don’t you have anything better to do than sneer at other people?

LBFseBrom · 07/08/2024 19:55

I am glad you are working things out with your daughter, op, and wish you both well. She will come through this.

All the very best to you.