17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

As someone who has had a daughter go through a similar mental health crisis, I would never have dreamed of putting a holiday before her. This thread is heartbreaking. I'm going to hide the thread.

You should be thoroughly ashamed, directing an abusive tirade of posts at a clearly concerned mother! Do you think that's remotely helpful?!

Then take her for a stroll into town. A picnic in your local town park. A walk each day in your neighbourhood. Don't jump from her bedroom to another country! You're just making excuses to justify putting yourself first and some of us can see right through it.
I'm out.

I think that would be for the best. This is not your situation.

@Joanfromnextdoor je dirais que vous avez très bien géré la situation. N'écoutez pas les gens déglingués qui n'ajoutent rien d'utile.

Hang on. So if she's been going to 6th form then it can't be more than a couple of weeks of school holidays she's been holed up in her room.

So why is it so terrible to be expected to leave the room for whatever reason?

@Joanfromnextdoor leaving the fridge door open and not putting rubbish in the bin is the least of your worries. That's not immaturity, it's laziness.
Mine had a party that got out of control. Cost thousands to put right. We had left her at her nan's with my instructions that she was not allowed to sleep over at any friend's. Of course that was ignored and she'd sneakily got a key cut. You can imagine the rest.
Take her with you.

Tirade? I have been very restrained, are you related to the OP?

Final post.

Yes?????

Just stop it @SoreAndTired1 !

Stop projecting.

I have parented an anxious and depressed teen as well. A chage of scene in her case was a good idea.

So you keep saying. You have not been one bit restrained. Your comments have been completely unreasonable. No, not related, just dislike seeing posters get treated the way you're doing!

D'accord!

That’s also my thinking, @Gogogo12345. Initially I assumed that she’s been holed up in her room for ages, but it’s only since schools broke up. She’s been out and around other people recently.

Yes she is really lazy there is no denying it and she is not mature enough to be left on her own. She also admitted she goes to bed late every night even when she went to school … so not getting enough sleep so she needs a better sleep hygiene. I’m going to help her declutter her room so her environment will be better, we are going to get her a new bed too as she hates her current bed (despite having chose it 2 years ago). Little steps are going to be taken to make things better.

Moi aussi

Merci @Runnerinthenight c’est vraiment gentil de dire ça. And also thank you to everyone else who has been kind. I love my daughter with all my heart and yesterday I was frustrated but I have reacted positively today all in the best interest of my daughter.

De rien! Bonne chance! x

Merci @TiroirSousLeMiroir 😘@RampantIvy

@SoreAndTired1 She was going to school until two weeks ago, it’s not quite as dire as we thought-at least as I thought, I’d assumed she’d been unable to leave the house for ages.

When I was 16 I very suddenly felt really depressed. And I wasn't sure why. I turned to my mum and said exactly that. She supported me and I got much better with time and family time.

Whilst we as outsiders have no idea how seriously OP's daughter is suffering, at 16/17 there are hormonal changes in the body and brain that cause a certain amount of upset in everyone, and it's very normal. Changes of scene are helpful for that kind of thing.

Whether ultimately this young lady's problem reveals itself to be deeper than that is a question for the professionals, and it's to OP's great credit that she is looking at that route.

OP, please take no heed to the vitriolic ranting. It’s unpleasant and entirely unnecessary to keep pushing the same point repeatedly. You know your daughter and her needs best now that she has at last confided in you.
I’m glad you managed to get help and advice from the doctor so quickly for her.

I am with you in thinking that the break away could do her good,- as long as she feels secure and much less challenged with the new adjustments you have made for her in no longer having to spend time with wider family, but instead being encouraged to retreat to her own private space when she needs to.
Hoping the holiday plan goes well for you all and that your Dd can soon have help from a professional to support her and help her back to good health.

Well she isn’t an adult. Adults close the fridge door and look after places. Adults recognise when someone else is footing the bill. Adults try and do what is right. So now we’ve established that she isn’t an adult and that she couldn’t care less about your feelings, her sister’s feelings and or your French family’s feelings. Tell her that you are v disappointed with her and that shes ungrateful and unkind. If she wants to stay at home at least have the courage to make some rules about how she behaves whilst you’re away and that there are
consequences if she breaks the house rules. Btw Daddy needs to get stuck in as well and remind her that she isn’t being a martyr, she’s being a brat.

Read the updates @Weonlyhavealoanofit!

I wish you and your daughter luck. She will get through it she is in sixth form. Encourage her to work hard and pursue her dreams and she should be okay. If she decides to go to university she will change and grow. I would suggest finding a hypnotherapist who she can talk to and can help her relax and give her exercises to do to help relax her in the day. She probably has a very active mind and finds it hard to sleep at night.

A hypnotherapist I met asked my friend to close her eyes and to pick a colour and then paint yourself in that colour and wash away all that has happened it's very relaxing and therapeutic. Obviously there was more steps but it was a good session and she felt better.

I would leave her at home. If she goes she will make it miserable for you. You might be surprised at how competent she is when thrown in at the deep end and left in charge.