17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

If you leave her home you will need cameras. Is she the type to throw wild parties?

She's 17. Even if she is immature this one week is an ideal.opportunity for her to grow up. If she leaves the fridge open and food gets spoilt shell have to go and buy herself some more.
She'll spoil the whole holiday if she insist she comes with you.

Cameras, ffs 🙈 What is wrong with people?

I'd not be giving her trips to Paris in December or trips to Reading if she refuses to come. I'd cancel the other trips get shopping in for her and leave her home alone with strict instructions no parties. I'd be very angry with her. Is she usually this selfish? I expect her grandparents have been looking forward to seeing her and it's only a week.

Are you saying the op is lying it's not healthy a young woman spending most or all of her time in her room. When I was 17 I wouldn't dream of spending my time eating junk food looking at my devices. Food was the last thing on my mind. I was born in a time when young people had to go out to entertain themselves and I was born in the 80's. None of my friends hanged out in their rooms. We were proactive in trying to figure out our futures.

With whose money the op are you crazy that's not a life lesson.

At 17 she should be capable of looking after herself for a week.

I liked visiting my grandparents, both sides, at all ages. So did my son when he was 17.

I agree and at 17 she has the right to refuse a holiday with parents. I hope the op understands and goes away without her daughter.

The only thing that would worry me would be that she might be frightened at home on her own, at least at night. I would have been.

If she could have a friend stay with her, it might be better. However the op will know whether or not her daughter is a nervous person.

She probably thought it was normal her daughter always in her room at 17. I wonder if the op spent all her time in her room eating junk food. I doubt she did and she forgot how she was as a teenager. We are far too soft with our young people in this country. We are creating feckless and jobless adults who don't know how to behave. Where I live all I see is young girls walking with prams and they look 17 or 18.

Nasty.

The OP hasn’t missed anything. Modern teens are notorious for this type of selfish, brattish behaviour which impacts entire families. They’re also notorious for miraculously recovering from their mental health issues if there’s a trip to Paris or a festival on the cards.

To all those advising OP to ‘ make ‘ her DD go on holiday with her, how exactly would you achieve this ? If DD digs her heels in, what happens next ? Drag her to France screaming and kicking ? You cannot make a seventeen year old do something they don’t want to do.

No, what is nasty are all the posters saying that there is nothing wrong with the teen when the OP is clearly worried about her.

It's clear that most of the posters on this thread have not bothered to read the OP's updates, nor do they know anything about anxious and depressed teens.

She’s 17 so l’m sure will survive , but maybe get a door camera if she’s likely to throw a party ? You will be a bit worried but it might be good for her too. I actually can’t wait til my 13/yr old boys are old enough to be left 🤣 … they hate coming anywhere with us and spoil any occasion with their moods . I’m sure by the time they’re 17/18 we’ll all appreciate a break from each other !

Just leave her at home, if she feels like that she will only spoil it for everyone else. We’ve booked a week in Scotland for a few weeks time and my 17yr old would hate it so he’s staying at home because that’s what he wants and would hate it in Scotland, we have however gone away for a week somewhere he would enjoy so he’s not missed out on a holiday, why force them to do something they would hate and would also spoil your time away?

She is 17. She is old enough to make her own choices about where she wants to spend her holidays. That is disappointing for you - understandable - when you want a family holiday and to see your parents.

But she is now practically an adult. She should be encouraged to exercise some autonomy, and with good grace on your part. You don't have to be happy about it, but equally, understand that she really might feel down and depressed if she goes, and that she feels she wants something else to do.

I would go without her, but without resentment. Just say to her you respect her choice, work on a shopping list of groceries together for the time you are gone and then leave her to it. Leaving the fridge door open is not the end of the world. The day was always going to come when you did not holiday with her. It has just come sooner than you wanted or expected. It is natural that you feel bad about the loss of family holidays. But the money spent on the trip is far less important than maintaining a good relationship.

The op and her husband are well with in their rights to say no. It's their home and if she doesn't like it she has other options. One day she will be leaving home and will pay for her own home and have her own children and she can decide what she does with them. I do laugh when people say you want the relationship to continue with your daughter 😈. Held to ransom and living in fear of upsetting her in case the relationship is ruined with boundaries and rules.

Don't be ridiculous.

Exactly!
She needs a job to pay for the spoilt food if she doesn't close the fridge door. Who in there right mind would leave their jobless teenager to run havoc when they can't pay for the waste or damage. I wish money grew on trees but it don't and if their daughter can't take responsibility then why should her parents.

So we saw the gp today and he strongly advised us to seek psychiatric help for our dd as she is depressed/severe anxiety. I knew she was struggling but I hadn’t realise how much until last night and at the gp this morning. She is definitely going on holiday but we have agreed with my parents that she can lock herself in a bedroom and not seeing anyone.

Would someone have a good recommendation for a private psychiatrist in London who treats adolescent ? Thank you

So sorry OP but glad GP is being good.

Shame on all those who suggested throwing her out and making her work and paying for the spoilt food.

When I was depressed I couldn't decide what I wanted for lunch and would end up in tears and eating nothing. I was an adult she is a child.

I feel sorry for all your children those who made nasty comments about her.

They’re also notorious for miraculously recovering from their mental health issues if there’s a trip to Paris or a festival on the cards.

Now that's nasty! You clearly don't understand even the most basics about depression and anxiety. Attitudes like yours are shameful in 2024.

I'm sorry Op. That sounds serious. I'm glad you are getting on top of it and have a plan for the holiday.

So she’s so severely depressed she needs urgent private psychiatry? And yet you’re still forcing her to go on the holiday she absolutely does not want yo go on and and allow her to lock’ herself in a room ?

Hmmmmm 🙄