17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

The insane amount of highly strung and micro-controlling parents amazes me. Just read any of the "AIBU to leave my 14yo for 30 minutes home alone?".
This is nuts.

Adults give their children zero tools for independence (mind boggling as that is one of the basic roles of parenting in the whole of the animal kingdom) and then proclaim that their young adult 'hasn't matured'. There were times when at 17 someone was half way through their life!

I got my exam results and towards the tail end of 16, I handed in my application for a residential college on the other side of the country. I don't remember my mum having any say in that decision. By 17 I wasn't living at home anymore but completely unsupervised in the student halls. Between the studies, part time work and parties, my own mum didn't see much of me and I definitely wasn't punished for it!

The insane amount of highly strung and micro-controlling parents amazes me

The insane amount of lazy posters who CBA to read the OP's updates amazes me.

Who then go on to post entirely irrelevant stuff relating to their own entirely different experiences.

Please read the updates before you post such nonsense!

You cannot physically drag her there, so I'd ask her where she is staying.
Make it clear she is not staying alone in the house, so what is her solution.

Agreed @QueenCamilla it’s bonkers.

Read the OP's update.

I did daughter feels fat so doesn't want to go because of this.

and depressed and anxious.

Can I suggest that you hold back on the unhelpful comments until you have walked in the shoes of a parent of a depressed teen.

Fortunately, we are on the other side, but casting aspersions on someone's parenting because their teen is struggling is not nice..

I'm not casting aspersions I feel for the child!!

Very convenient it's suddenly coming out now though. . My DS has (ex); friends who suddenly develop all kinds of MH issues when they are expected to do something they don't want to.

It's drummed into them these days as a get out clause

Having parented a teen through depression this sounds genuine.

I suspect you would just tell her to pull herself together.

If you read the OP's posts, she has been holed up in her room alone like this for a long time now... Clearly not just sudden. It's just that OP has completely missed the warning signs.

Exercise will help with weight management and boost confidence and self-esteem. If she sits in her room all day eating junk food and looking at social media on her phone or computer that would depress and make anyone feel anxious. That's not a life. Her parents need to get her out of her room and tell her to get a job because the real world doesn't work like that.

Even if she was to sign on she would still be expected to find work. If she tells them she's depressed and why they will encourage her more into getting a job.

The OP hasn’t mentioned school or college attendance. Was she having difficulties this past year?

My daughter couldn't handle college her expectations were to high. She took a couple of years out and payed for a private beauty course in that time while she worked. Her confidence has grown and she doesn't get upset when people are cruel to her. She learned to walk away. She's going back to college in September. She will return a better person.

Work brings independence and confidence. You are no longer a child. You can contribute to the house or go out and do what you want.

People on here are advising the op cancels the reading trip. If her daughter had her own money she can pay for her own ticket.

Can't leave her at home at 17? Goodness. I have a 17yo DGD who is staying at home. My own DD who is disabled was home alone from 16 when I had to work away.

Why can't she be left at home? What could possibly happen?

Why can't she be left at home? What could possibly happen?

If you had read the OP's updates you would know and understand 😒

I agree. They repeat the tropes off insta as a get out clause.

Retreating into their room is normal for teens. She clearly has friends and is going to a festival. She just doesn’t want to be forced into family fun.

I think the OP knows her DD better than you do @Frenchsplit

English wasn't really taught very well at that time in France. How good is the French of the average British grandparent?

Well yes but apparently all this is news to OP to so it’s really not clear how long this has been going on or to what degree

I and many teenagers holed ourselves up in our rooms. Doesn't mean we were depressed.

At 17 she's able to be left alone there's worse that leaving rubbish lying around and leaving fridge open tell her this is her chance to prove that she can be left and that you don't want the house a mess when you return. Not as if you can actually force her to go

Cancel Paris or take your own mate with you. Cancel Reading. Selfish and spoilt behaviour - letting you and your parents down.

I’d leave her at home but turn the wifi off and change the password 😉