My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

I don't understand what was so offensive. Do they think being British is offensive?

Just move on! Mention to DH your confusion re comment and ask him to clarify the issue so you can then put it right, if it is merited. They are being ridiculous, stop lending them your things and provide nothing else for ppl who are treating you badly.

It’s because DN is British through virtue of her dual nationality, not aspiring to be.

What’s her other nationality, OP?

Yeah, this.
If she has dual nationality, then she is British.

If you told someone who considers themselves to be British that they’re aspiring to be British, you’re essentially saying they’re not actually British. So I can understand why you may have unintentionally caused offence. For the sake of family harmony, I’d apologise for a clumsy comment and move on.

This⬆️
Oh, and don’t refer to their country as “third”!

But she isn't culturally British is she? If she's being raised in another country. British passport is one thing, cuppa tea, jam roly poly, fish and chips is another thing. OP did nothing wrong.

Why not? She means it's a third country, not the one either of her parents comes from. It is a third country.

Oh, and don’t refer to their country as “third”!

Jeez way to look for offence!

Oh I see. Faux pas.

Dn is British on paper and in point of fact. Her other country is not Western, there are many cultural differences, I have blundered so much with sil. I have read literature by writers from her country and neighbouring ones to try and inform myself of her experience and possible issues.

There’s really not enough context in your post. What “hating on” is happening? Why is your husband miserable? What is the actual conflict that resulted from your comment?

But yes, it was rude to try to force a dish on someone that had already declined it and rude to imply that she’s not British when she is. If your own children gasped at your comment then clearly they knew you’d crossed a line.

I was born with dual citizenship, one being the country I was born and raised in and the other British. I wouldn't personally have taken offence to the comment - seems a bit like they were looking for offence? I would have reacted to it if someone said it now when I've lived here almost half my life, but would only be offended if I thought the person saying it had offensive intent.

Just apologise and clarify that you really didn't mean anything by it. I often suffer from foot in mouth though so maybe I'm a bit too blasé about it all 😬

I gasped too.

If you are white and dn isn’t then it takes on an additional level of offence. Even if that wasn’t your intention.

Presumably you meant she enjoyed her British heritage and aspired to experience more of the culture while she’s here?

What should she call it? Second second country?

Your SIL is clearly trying to drive a wedge here but I'd be more surprised at your teens comment as what you said clearly seems to be referring to the British culture and no idea how it could be taken other way.

I would apologise and make it clear that the comment was referring purely to British culture due to DN's love of "British" things and was said with sarcasm and certainly not meant in any offensive way.

Perhaps your DN and own kids need to work on their British sarcasm?? (again, said with sarcasm for those that take offence too easily...)

@whichellie yes and I did admit I had been brought to book in public if you see the OP.
Weirdly in my culture it's considered rude to refuse a dish offered to you so that's a clash there (you just hide it under your spoon or accidentally drop it, have a tiny bit etc).
My sil used to be awful to my mil actually, no chances given. Maybe our family is just not right for her. I'm not sure what conflict has been caused but there is some, I guess it's being used as a reason to not come so much, dh took bil to task about not doing enough with mil.

Thanks so much all for your helpful comments pos and neg sorry I'm not replying to everyone but i am reading them, it's emotional.

Sometimes when people have dual heritage as it can feel like you're not really accepted as "properly" either heritage/nationality- therefore your comment could have felt quite othering to her. I'd apologise for being insensitive rather than minimising her feelings and try to be more understanding of her trying to figure out her identity.

"Aspiring to be British" is very offensive. As if it was a superior thing.

You wouldn't say someone "aspires to be" Colombian, or Bangladeshi, would you?

SIL is looking to take offence. You obviously just misspoke. My SIL is the same. You have to watch everything you say round her as she takes offence over the slightest thing, and often invents a meaning behind an innocent comment!

@stormingnorman yes she is mixed race. Annoyed as I do know these things in my heart (dd married to smn of Indian heritage, babies on the horizon)
But yes it was clumsy, gutted how it was taken, i obv meant culturally. Literally no trust or forgiveness there. Sil having an awful time in the US due to racism apparently. I do know all this, so upset.

I think it was an offensive comment and I don’t get offended easily.

Well I have dual British/Canadian nationality, and people say it to me about aspiring to be Canadian! I've never lived in Canada, but do like typically Canadian things.

I don't understand the posters being miffed at OP saying that they have Dua Nationality of 2 countries and live in a 3rd one. How could she have described it better? DN has nationality of 2 countries and lives in a further country? Dual national of 2 countries and lives somewhere else that isn't either of those 2 countries? Give over. It was a perfectly fine way of explaining the situation.