My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

Yep, but you can trust MN to turn it into something it’s not and make OP feel like the biggest shit in the world, when she actually didn’t mean any offence.

I was only told about the code switching by her dad finding it funny.
Many of us have had to do it (myself included).

Can't you see the irony in what you just said?

Sorry but this is just bollocks. If OP not mentioning race in her post indicates that she didn’t intend her comment to be about race, how can it ‘absolutely be about race’ if that’s not what she intended. !!

Dual family here. Clumsy? Maybe. Offensive? Only if there was a huge back story and this was the final straw.

Your SIL sounds hard work - I’d apologise once and then take a step back.

Clearly not or they wouldn’t have posted.

When did this happen OP? Why haven't you apologise yet?

Even though you don't feel your comment was offensive, she took offence. Why on earth haven't you apologised for saying something that someone you love found offensive?

Sorry are you saying mixed race or black people aren't English?

Possibly because she didn’t intend it to be offensive ? And at no point did OP say her niece was offended. It was her SiL.

Oof that's unfortunate. I think given your '100% careful all the the time not to offend' comment, this could sadly have been the last straw for SIL. The comment gives you away a bit, as most people don't have to go out of their way not to cause offence. You seem hyper aware of 'differences' in your family which has led you to put your foot in it and it may not be the first time.

@BeanThereDoneIt just re read your post, yes it was in no way intentiined as racist. But it has been received as such and I need to deal with that, the responsibility it mine to do so.

Family with three passports here. Not offended. We laugh about things like this.

Genuinely surprised that so many people are saying the SIL is "looking to be offended"! OP was out of order and is playing the victim.

@Rosscameasdoody if I said something that my niece found offensive, I'd instantly apologise. Because I care about her feelings.

Me: DN, your glasses are just like Harry Potter's!
DN: ouch, that's not a nice thing to say!
Me: oh, sorry darling. I didn't mean that offensively. You know I love your style.
Me and DN hug. All is forgotten.

Why did she make a pud she knew she didn't want to eat?
Why not make a pudding you'd all eat?

OP I maye have come a bit hard on you, but wanted to explain something- you say in the post "I tried to rea lit from her country and the neigbouring ones"- and it really shows that you dont really know her nor try to get to know her.
I am from country X. If someone told me they read a book from a country Y that is neighbouring to mine, it would mean absolutely nothing to me. Nothing. Nada. Rien. I dont care about literature from Y country just because it is neighbouring to mine. It would also teach no one anything about me. Neither would book from my country written in XIX century for that matter.

If I told you- I read a Swedish book, and Sweden is in Europe, and so is England- would you feel thrilled that I am trying to learn something about you? Probably not.

You seem to think that reading some lit shows good will and your SIL should be grateful for your interest, but it's not really a sign of interest, it's just a tick the box exercise that makes you think you did your job.

What you really need to look is why is SiL unappy when she is in the UK. Do you often treat her to 'funny quips' and slips of tongue? Do you see your niece as being a bit 'quirky' and getting above herself because she is switching accents (natural thing for many kids btw) and talks about being British and it's a funny anecdote your side of family is passing on, while for her it's part of her identity (you did say you are poking fun at the accent switching)- maybe this is why SiL has not warmed up to you. You said you try not to offend when she comes over- but for most people it's effortless to not offend, what has happened over the years that you have to watch what you are saying when they visit?

Gestures like car lending etc are nice, but they will not replace being sincere and genuine.

I think, in general, if you go through life looking for things to be offended by, you easily could spend your whole life doing that.

I think that sometimes it’s something else you’re angry about, but maybe you don’t even know yourself what that is, so then you find other things that validate those feelings.

When I accidentally trod on someone's foot or bump into them I apologize. An absense of ill-intent doesn't mean we don't need to take accountability for our clumsiness.

When someone refuses to genuinely apologize for hurt they've caused (especially to a loved one) that often tells me more about them than the original incident.

Maybe she wanted to have a go at something new, even though she was not super into eating it herself?
I dont eat beef, but cook it for my family because I know they like it.

Honestly, OP, it's pretty bad. My dd is mixed race, and both heritages are very important to her. We live in the UK, so she has had to work much harder to cultivate strong ties to her dad's home country, and it is a sensitive subject for her because she feels a bit less entitled to claim that side of her heritage. To address that, she does take a particular interest in all aspects of her dad's culture.

She would be so, so hurt by a casual comment like this. Completely dismissing her right to identify with that particular culture in one little remark. Your dn may be feeling the same. Identity can be a complex issue for kids with mixed heritage.

Then layered on top of that is the race aspect, where they may be interpreting your comment as meaning that she isn't British because she is mixed race.

I believe you when you say that you didn't mean any harm, but the reality is, you have demonstrated through your remark that you just don't see your niece as being "properly" British. It may be hard to come back from that, but a sincere apology would be a good starting point.

Yeah weird right? Not my meal...not my rules (mil)

I agree with this and it was this post where OP revealed her attitude and general approach to DN which is thoughtless at best. It's not 'hilarious' to switch between accents. I did this as a child, at first without realising, and then became overtly aware I was doing it and felt embarrassed but couldn't stop.

There are other reasons for being careful all the time around certain people. From what OP has said SiL is hyper sensitive because of racism she’s experienced in the UK. There’s clearly a mix of race and cultures here so OP is potentially navigating a minefield. Doesn’t mean she’s racist.

Think you misunderstood - there are 3 countries referenced - Britain, the SiL’s country and the country that they live in… which was the ‘third’/other country.

The problem is that a lot of people do have the attitude that if you are not born of two parents of the same nationality you are not of that nationality.

My dc have had racist comments made to them about not being 'really' of one of their nationalities, because they don't speak the language with us. So people are sensitive to anything that implies that kind of thing.