My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

Well I personally believe King are superior to Tayto 🤷🏻‍♀️☺️

So you’ve told a British mixed raced woman she isn’t British and merely aspires to be, you’ve also mocked her code switching, which is something virtually everyone does who has been brought up with two languages/two distinct accents.

The whole you’re not British thing is very commonly told to non-white Brits by racists, so its likely they think you have been racist.

Have a good grovel, apologise, we all say stupid stuff and the awkwardness won’t last forever.

Canada doesn’t have the same history of imperialism/ slave trade etc.

Sorry OP I’m another one who thinks your comment was really insensitive- especially if your niece is not white.

But it doesn’t sound like you meant anything by it. I think all you can do is say how sorry you are and it came out without thinking before you realised what you were saying.

But ‘bigs up’ her Britishness at school so not a reach for OP to have assumed she would be interested in the pud.

Canada doesn’t have the same history of imperialism/ slave trade etc.

You might want to read up on the treatment of indigenous people in Canada.
And Britain actually ended the slave trade, we only finished paying that off nine years ago.

What does “bigs up Britishness” mean? To me that also has negative connotations.

I'm triple nationality & I wouldn't find that offensive at all. If my relatives in the country of my parent's birth (which I hold a passport from but have never lived in) made that kind of joke - I would laugh.

What I do find offensive is that although I was born in and lived in another country for nearly 30 years, people always asked me where I'm from because of my ethnicity. They don't ask my husband who just looks more like a local. But that's a very racist country. Won't say which.

You said something you might have meant to be silly, but in reality it was obviously quite hurtful and rude. That reality doesn't seem to have quite sunk in.

"Sorry I've been brought to book" isn't an actual apology that acknowledges that you understand you were in the wrong and feel bad for the hurt you caused, it just acknowledges other people have told you you were out of line. Apologize properly, directly to your niece. Don't dismiss it as a silly remark or bring up anyone else using it as "ammo" to imply there's been an overreaction, and certainly don't try to pull the whataboutism with her not trying a dessert.

"[Niece], I owe you a big apology. What I said was rude and hurtful, and I'm ashamed something like that came out of my mouth."

I can see why it might be awkward, foot in mouth comment, but it's not offensive. It's ridiculous that they have made a big deal of it.

We are a dual Canadian-British family. My DDs have grown up in Canada and aren't in any true sense "British" despite one of them having been born there, and having passports.

On the flip side, my DNs were born and live in the UK and aren't "Canadian" in the true sense either, despite their passports and visits.

I can see why it would be offensive and may require a quick apology and then be forgotten again. I think its silly making a drama out of it.

Cultural sensitivity can be such a minefield. I'm not British nor is DH but BIL and SIL moved to London as a young couple for a few years and ended up staying to rear a family, who are teens now. When they were visiting recently I said something about my kids spending time with the English cousins (which is how I always refer to them to DH) and they were all quite taken aback. 'I'm not English' said teen nephew in the strongest south London accent. I saw a look pass between BIL and SIL. It never occurred to me that they don't identify as English. Now I don't know what to say but I can't be getting upset about it either. Nephew has the same name as my other nephew so I call him 'English Dave' so I will stop doing that.

It's quite obvious on this thread that the only people who are offended by the comment are those who don't hold dual nationality!

You haven't read the full thread then?

Why ? OP says DN loves our culture and bigs up her Britishness in a third country. Assuming for a moment (and I know this is hard for MN) that this is genuine why would what the OP said be offensive ? MN is batshit. Sooner or later, if we continue to have every word out of our mouths picked apart for scrutiny, language and humour will be lost and we’ll spend most of our time apologising for offence we didn’t intend. Just because you take offence, doesn’t mean offence is intended.

I think it’s quite telling that you don’t mention race in your OP. It indicates that you didn’t mean your comment to be about race, but more worryingly suggests that you still don’t see how it absolutely is about race. It is such a typical ‘where are you really from’ style comment that is so familiar to anyone with an understanding of racist micro aggressions.

Your children identified it as what it was immediately. That tells you everything you need to know about how the comment will have landed for your poor niece. Apologise unreservedly, to your niece, your SIL, even your children. Admit to your ignorance and apologise for it - stop hiding behind it as an excuse.

And everyone else on this thread baffled by how it could be viewed as racist - what a privileged yet ignorant life you must lead to think that a bi-racial young girl should take that comment as light hearted 😞

The people who the comment was made to found it offensive. That's what matters.

Unless OP's position is "fuck my niece's feelings, some random strangers on the internet said they wouldn't have been hurt by it." That's a stand she can certainly take, but she shouldn't expect many allies around the family if she does.

You haven't read the full thread then?

I've read the entire thing. The vast majority of posters who hold dual nationality (myself included) are not offended. There are about three who didn't like the comment.

I have dual. I think it was a pretty nasty comment. Which would be fine if it really was a 'slip' or a poorly executed joke. But add in OP's addition of how hilarious she finds DN switching accents, and the fact that DN is mixed race... it's looking pretty awful.

I took it that meant they didn't live in "their" country but lived somewhere else. i.e. not Britain, not the country that they derive their other nationality from, but a 'third country'. Could be wrong though, especially since OP seems to be lacking attention to detail on this front!

Yeah but you said "only" those who weren't mixed race or dual nationality didn't like it. Implying you hadn't read the full thread.

I wouldn't say I would have been offended or aggrieved as op's niece but I'd certainly be eye rolling and thinking what a muppet op is, for the reasons I gave upthread.

I did say I have sympathy as I can be a bigmouth. But it really was silly of op.

I know what you meant - skin colour is not relevant here. You were joking about crumble and if she wants to be British she should like it. It’s obviously a clumsy joke due to the dual nationality but not being brought up here.

If SIL isn’t keen on the British family is it a case of it being convenient to take offence.

I wouldn’t dwell too much on it - all you can say to your niece is “of course you are British and not aspiring I am sorry I upset you”

She didn’t. She said ‘a third country’ as in that’s where she goes to school, and not of her dual nationality. The standard of reading comprehension on MN is appalling sometimes.

Oh jeez that's awful. Sadly it will last for ever I think as sil has been looking for reasons (not just vis a vis me) and I'm sure she has many as the world is shite for her.
I wasn't AWARE I was doing it at all I was just having a laugh genuinely with the kids.

What a load of ridiculous fuss over nothing.

I know. How can people be bothered with this nonsense.

Oh I see the mixup. Dual nationality is not exactly the same as mixed race. There is a Venn overlap of course. Op's niece is both.