My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

Did you not just immediately apologise to your niece?

She meant third, as in the third of a list of countries. Not third world.

I 100% would as I am actually of a mind that countries shouldn't even exist and no one country or culture is better than another.
Dn has been reported as hilariously code switching between US and UK accents and really emphasising her British side. So yes she herself has been wanting to be culturally British decently.

Read the op for what I said

Seems a bit OTT. I’m not British (NZ) so my now adult kids have dual passports. They were born and raised in the UK and despite having second nationality are no more Kiwi’s than DH is. Although when he was little DS loved cheering for the All Blacks as they did tend to win more than the English rugby team.

People will always find something to be offended about if they look hard enough.

Sorry I meant recently not decently!

It was clumsy. I have a friend of dual nationality who is tired of being told how well she speaks each language/how she sounds like she really is whichever nationality, when she is both (one parent from each country).
She isn't aspiring to be British, since she is British.

To be honest you sound a bit like that royal who kept on asking a prominent black charity boss during a Buckingham palace reception WHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM.
I think it's just something stuck in many people's heads, that to be British is to look the certain way and clearly subconsciously you think that.
Your comment was very offensive, and I think she just assumes that she slip was really what is on your mind really, that the part of the fmaily is 'aspiring' to ne like you and inferior. Not sure this is somethign you can make up by reading books (she may not even read herself or think they reflect her experience).

You've done nothing wrong. I'm mixed race myself, it's glaringly obvious when something is said out of malice and when something just isn't phrased correctly. Not that you even phrased it incorrectly, you said nothing wrong. And atop pandering to SIL.

Are you one of those people who ask a brown person who is possibly 3rd or 4th generation British 'but where are you really from'. Your comment to your niece was of this nature, I'm glad your gasping children don't seem to have inherited your outlook!

I have.

and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

Well to me that's hardly a heartfelt apology specifically for your niece.

@jackrabbitslim has your friend never lived in the UK but still wanted to adopt all things British?

It's ridiculous. I'm another nationality and have also never lived there. I am
Fiercely proud of it but I wouldn't be offended if someone said I was aspiring to be it!

I feel for you op because I'm also a bigmouth sometimes.

In this case, as others have pointed out, it's tough being mixed race and feeling you're not "fully" either culture. (I'm mixed race and struggled with this my whole life).

I think the main thing that was silly with your comment is that even within the UK and native Brits, not all of them like apple crumble or whichever pudding it was! Just being British doesn't mean you love all the stereotypically British food.

The best you can do is apologise sincerely, once only, then move on and eventually everyone will forget about it. If they don't, they're being unreasonable.

It's not about looking for something to be offended- it's having family who think that you are inferior and make pretty racist comments and thinking it's a funny slip up. Did your NZ family treat your kids as inferior, or do the British side of fmaily treat them as such? If no, they you may not udnerstand how having someone who sees oyu as 'aspiring to be British' pretty insulting.

I have a friend who was born in the UK 40 years ago to Malaysian parents and recently got complimented by a thick colleague on her 'excellent English'. It's the only languguage she speaks and has a degree in it. Not really a compliment.

@diddl my dn loves all things British apparently. Maybe I should say sorry properly though. At least that would help the family move on and I am actually sorry for my clumsiness.

I actually don't think there's much to live about the UK a lot of the time ironically!

You seem judgy of this? I'm naturalised British, there's nothing wrong with that. And I hate custard. It's not a condition of naturalisation.

I think they read it like third world country.

Op I would apologise, say it was a bad joke and you regret it. Not much else you can say.

Rubbish. She has a British parent, the culture is passed on.

No, it's not 100% equivalent but children do take on the cultures of their parents and can be dual cultural as well as dual national.

My kids have never lived in the UK and weren't born there but they live in a pretty British cultural environment at home because their mother is English.

It is very offensive to imply that dual nationals are not 'properly' their nationality. OP all you can do is apologise for putting your foot in your mouth.

Very passive aggressive trying to force her to try something she doesn't want to try by embarrassing / guilting her into it. It does not speak well for your character.

Me neither. You only said it because your niece bigs up her Britishness. It was a light-hearted quip, nothing more.

And I hate custard. It's not a condition of naturalization

That made me laugh - maybe it should be??

She needs to grow the hell up. So do the rest of them. It is obvious that it was meant in jest. Honestly I can’t stand the great ‘offended’.
I say this as someone who lived outside their home country for 11 years. Not everyone is out to get you and not everything has to be sensitive.

Yes, if they bigged it up like OP’s neice does re her Britishness…

Looks like you plan to apologise but wanted to flag that if they’re living overseas, they won’t be covered on your car insurance. I’m not when I visit and always have to hire a car instead.