My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

FFS why are some people so wet and offended by every bloody thing now? Don't bother moaning at me, I'm gone.

I can absolutely see why people were offended. You should apologise fully (saying “I’ve been brought to book” isn’t an apology and in fact makes it sound as if you intended to offend).

I think people could well take what you said as meaning something like “you’re not really British but you aspire to be because it’s superior to your other nationality”. I’m sure you don’t mean that at all and you can explain that when you apologise (nb not instead of apologising).

This
I suspect that there is more to this. Perhaps OP’s SIL has felt that she has been ‘othered’ by her MIL and so is sensitive to comments which may be linked to race, such as her daughter’s Britishness.

I understood the OP's comment to mean 'I thought you were aspiring to learn/embrace everything about British culture', and I can't find anything offensive about that.

Even if you put the most sympathetic spin on it, it's silly though.

Many "real Brits" would prefer a curry to a roast.

It's maybe the top country in the world for loving different cuisines. Preferring foreign food is actually very British!

It’s a shame that they didn’t overlook what you said when they should know what you’re like as a person so don’t mean it as it came across.

I’m mixed race and have had comments in both countries like that which makes me feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I’ve lived in England most of my life and get asked things like where I’m really from and the people who ask are never satisfied with the answer London. I think that using aspire made it sound like you were saying that her other nationality was inferior which as family, they should know that is not how you think. She IS British - not culturally as she’s never lived in the UK but unfortunately you phrased things wrong. As a person who lived in multicultural Britain you’ll be fully aware of people who don’t have the nationality but are culturally British.

I think that some families don’t do teasing ever. My kids and I gently tease each other regularly but I’ve seen other families look horrified at her we banter.

Yes, OP made a bit of a clumsy comment. The girl is British so 'aspiring to be' wasnt the way to describe it

But thats all, no need for 'gasps' (melodramatic), no need for ostricising, no need for OP to carry round guilt. We dont get everything right all the time, sometimes we say things that come out all wrong, its not the end of the world.

Her husband should be supporting her and ensuring that family move on.

And yes, 3rd world countries is how I describe 3rd world countries.

Your husband’s attitude to all this is most worrying. He should be smoothing things over because he knows what you’re like but wallowing in depression and doing nothing is self absorbed bullshit.

So while there are full on far right riots and burning going on and ethnic minorities being targeted, people on MN are berating the OP for her apparent racism for a slightly clumsy comment.
Seems about on brand.

So do you consider that a British person should have to like every single bloody British did that exists? Do you eat full English every day? If not, then I hope you give up your passport tomorrow.
I think if there is a pattern of anything, it's op making passive aggressive racist remarks dressed as jokes, no wonder Sil is unhappy coming to the UK every time.
4 people in the family have fully understood her intentions and called her out on that. It must be very unpleasant to be a part of a family where someone thinks you can only be British if you are white. The way op talks about the niece's efforts to 'aspire to be British' is pretty unpleasant, like if it was a cute think she does to distonguish herself in another country. But racism is so deeply rooted, you may not be able to see that.

Maybe he knows what OP is really like...

But it could have been sorted out there & then by Op apologising & explaining what she meant.

Actually thousands of South Americans aspire to be Colombian. Huge numbers of refugees from surrounding countries e.g. Venezuela.
Bangladesh less so, but not impossible...

I read the “third” country not as third rate or third world but simply neither the UK nor the country she has nationality through her mother in, so another different country to those two.

Did you read & interpret it as a lesser country??

This is silly. I have dual nationality. One of my nationalities is for a country I've never lived in. Obviously I do not feel like a real local or citizen when I'm visiting family there.

Tell your DH and the rest of the family to get a grip and to stop looking for offence.

I'm with you Op. I would not take offence at all.

This.

To add, I have dual nationality too, but only came to live in the country of one of my nationalities when I was 30. I will never be a local or a native here, and that is absolutely OK. I’m privileged to have a choice of country of residence. OP’s comment would not have offended me.

@Allwelcone My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

Well, your SIL needs to grow up, and your DH needs to grow a pair.

You are above this OP, a little slip in the language is all that you have done, and any reasonable person would have forgiven this, or ignored it.

They are being idiots.

Your niece is claiming to be British when it’s a technicality, a legal truth and not a social
or cultural one.

My kids are legally citizens of another country thanks to me, but have never lived there, don’t go to school there, have visited once. They do like to tell people they have dual citizenship though (especially when the U.K. is embarrassing itself)

My relatives tease my Paper Citizens for their enthusiastic embracing of the all things from that country ; the kids take it in good heart.

Aspiring to be British may be slightly clumsy, but your extended family are being daft to make more of it than that.

It’s like everyone with an Irish grandparent getting EU citizenship. You are a citizen of the country but it doesn’t make you an Irishman/woman in a cultural sense of believing Taytos are the best crisps.

Maybe he’s fed up of it and OP needs to take responsibility for changing her behaviour

This. I've got dual nationality and I couldn't for the life of me see what you'd said wrong. Even when it was pointed out, i still couldn't see the issue.

It's sounds like your sil wants to find offence

Apologise for your thoughtless remark and move on.

I think that yes, you should say sorry properly. Not really rocket science when you've offended anyone for any reason, no matter where they're from, and a better use of your time than reading books trying to understand them. An apology would be a good start.

Inadvertantly you've let slip your beliefs, despite your best intentions, and it's probably not the first time. I think that would explain the discord.

You sound like you are unkind towards your dn. You seem to mock her for changing her accent from US to UK, depending on where she is. This is actually a very natural thing to do and a way that human beings try to fit in.

Shame on you for trying to belittle her. Your dc know what you're like so they were shocked because they knew your intention behind the supposedly 'innocuous' remark.

You don't get to call yourself 'clumsy' when you're an insensitive fool. Apologise properly and work on yourself. You need to be kinder to them.

She meant third as in, she's already mentioned 2 countries, and this is a third country. Like a third party.

It was a slightly clumsy comment but the reaction was over the top.