My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

You see this is how sil is interpreting my comment, as racist etc. Awful.

Apologise. Explain what you meant. Say how much you love dn and would never want to upset her or other her. You were just excited to share something new with her. Etc…

Race relations are so tense right now it makes sense your SIL is feeling on edge (notwithstanding her general feelings towards your side of the family). I would cut some slack this time.

I'm mixed race/biracial (but only have a British passport) and I think your SIL and niece are strange. Why did your niece make a dessert and not even try it?

She didn't bring up her Britishness, she is British. It's only a quip if you're racist.

So if you don’t know what the conflict is or if there is one, and you’re not going to explain why your husband is “miserable,” then what advice are you looking for?

Obviously apologizing is a good start. You should probably also stop trying to take the piss out of your niece for the way she is trying to explore and express her identity. If there are issues beyond that with your husband and SIL you’re going to have to provide more details instead of reiterating how ridiculous you find your niece.

One part of any culture is the cooking, recipes, celebration foods. One way we pass on culture is to pass on these recipes to the younger generation.

That’s what you were doing OP, you were passing on your culture. She didn’t want to try a dish that you have passed down to her. Now, many may see that as rude but nonetheless you decided to not to be offended (they are a teen after all) and decided to make a joke to make light of the situation. You did this to spare your niece from looking rude. ‘taking the piss’ out of someone is also part of British culture but that can be jarring to those not used to that environment.

Being British, French, Mexican- it’s not just what your passport says. It’s also cultural. If the niece hasn’t had an opportunity to grow up here, then she’s lucky to have family that are passing on traditions when she visits. Both humour and recipes.

The family sound sensitive about identity, which in the circumstances (dual nationality, mixed race, living in the US) is understandable.

Understanding from both sides is needed.

Aspired to be British like it's an achievement of the worthy.
No wonder they're pissed. I'm surprised people aren't seeing how offensive that was.

All you can do is eat humble crumble tbh! Apologise without reservation. Don't try to justify yourself.

Its pretty obvious you meant culturally British as opposed to legally British. She sounds like someone that actively seeks to be offended. Apologise for the miscommunication and don't give it another thought.

You absolutely do need to apologise directly.

I totally understand that you mis-spoke, but saying "I've been brought to book" isn't even close to apologising. It's the equivalent of saying 'I've been found out' so doesn't even acknowledge that you saw was a problem with what you said. Just that your kids had told you off.

So yes, apologise and say that you were trying to put across her love of British culture, and that you absolutely recognise that she IS British. You should also apologise for not putting it right at the time.

Because it was a racist comment and you should own up to it, clearly you have very old fashioned ideas and what it takes to be British and you may not even realise that if your OP starts you dont even know what was so bad about it.

Sounds like it.

She's British, OP. I would have cringed.

It's the use of the word "aspire" that I would take issue with.

The implication is that Britain is somehow better than other countries.

I'm quite confused by this.. surely having not being born in Britain nor ever lived there she is "aspiring to be British" My uncle is Irish, emigrated to America.. married an American woman and had children in America. I don't consider my cousin's Irish 🤔 Their father is Irish, their mother is American none of them have ever been to Ireland..

Did the British parent get offended or just the sil? Yeah OK a bit clumsy, but as pp said, it's obvious when said as a joke and when as offense. Also someone can aspire to be whatever. My kids aspire to be cowboys from america one day, aleadddin the next day when they watch cartoons.
Your sil is looking for offense. Sorry if stuff happened to her but that's not your fault, and it's racism on her side to assume this behaviour from you. It must be frustrating for everyone to walk on eggshells near her, esp her dh and your mil. Why did they marry if she's so against the dh culture and it's such a big issue for her.. The kids are brits after all.

But your uncle is not her niece... And at any rate what you consider him is meaningless, it is about what he considers himself to be. You don't dictate others their identity.

I am not British, but live here and have dual national children. Their non British nationality is very important to them even if they have always lived here. They consider themselves dual nationals. They do not ASPIRE to be anything. Super offensive.

Op, I think you need to explain to dn and sil that you didn’t mean to be offensive .
Just apologise

I would in this context of trying or not trying a food from that country, yes. I understood the OP's comment to mean 'I thought you were aspiring to learn/embrace everything about British culture', and I can't find anything offensive about that.

I think the SIL has a chip on her shoulder and is looking for offence. The teens – maybe they misunderstood.

If it was a one-off I'd probably apologise, but if it's a pattern of behaviour with the SIL seeming resentful/prickly/whatever, I'd let her be offended and ignore. I'd say the same to DH as well.

My mother is Irish (my father is English). I've been to Ireland, I have an Irish passport as well as British passport. I was born and raised in England. I'd never call myself Irish, nor would I be offended if someone didn't consider me Irish.

Sorry the last sentence was referring to your DN, my friend isn't British.
Her nationalities are both countries on mainland Europe. She hasn't lived in one of those countries but has visited, and is fluent in the language. I don't think her wanting to adopt the lifestyle, customs, etc. of that country would bother her family though, from what she's told me I think it'd be appreciated. I can't see the harm in it, even with your DN.

This.

I’m interested in what’s not being explicitly said here.

OP you mention that you’ve made a lot of blunders with your SIL, and that she wasn’t willing to give your MIL ‘chances’. What were the blunders and what did your MIL need to be given chances about?

I think your comment was clumsily offensive - you’ve acknowledged that she is British, not aspiring to be, and it is offensive in my opinion to suggest someone isn’t properly British because they don’t like some traditional aspect of British cuisine. I don’t think it was enough to justify a family-wide fall out but given your comments above I do wonder if the issue is actually that this was the latest of a series of incidents in which your SIL and niece have experienced inappropriate or offensive comments from you or your MIL.

I would apologise to your niece and also reflect on whether there is a wider problem here. Even if the blunders have been mistakes without conscious ill-intent behind them there comes a point where repeated and unresolved errors are indistinguishable from malice.

She didn’t. She said the child was at school in a third country - ie not GB or the other country.

My uncle is Irish born and raised in Ireland. I'm talking about his children who are now adults.. They were born in America to an Irish father and American mother. They've never been to Ireland..

I'm dual nationality, I'd find it a little offensive because of the 'aspire'. Like I was laughably trying and not succeeding to reach some superior goal.

I'd be fine with something like 'go on, embrace your British side.'