Friend 'asking' for £3k for 4th birthday party for her DD.

[parkyn]

I'm Godmother to my friend's child. The child turns 4 at the end of August. I'm CF (child-free) and earn a fair bit more than she does. Also, her income is a PT one due to her childcare commitments whereas I work FT. I live alone and yes, you could argue my life is 'simpler' than hers - but my outgoings aren't next to nothing.

She is planning a birthday party for her daughter and has somehow costed it to be around £3k. But a large part of that amount is apparently going towards alcohol as she's inviting her fellow Mum friends (obviously they would be there too). Her justification was that she was 'not going to serve guests crap booze' as it would give them a 'bad hangover'. She is also wanting to buy lots of 'champagne instead of prosecco' etc... but no mention of the cake for the child (yet) etc...

She said: 'All I need is £3k... you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about money. Let me know if you want to contribute!'

It's beyond awkward - and me being CF, I have no idea how much a child's birthday party costs - but I can't imagine every parent dropping £3k a year per child per birthday party. AIBU to think this is excessive?

If there are money struggles that I don't know about - that she's not mentioned - then that's another story.

You need to set your own boundaries for what is appropriate between you and your God Daughter in terms of gifts.

Reliability and consistency is the key not amount.'

The mother is a using, exploitative , taker. You have made your commitment to her daughter NOT her.

Absurd. People do not go to 4yo parties to get wasted enough to have a handover. She is using it as an excuse to plan a party for her friends. Four year oldms parties end before every kid’s bedtime and no one should be hangoever drunk or really drunk at all since there are very young children around!!

I would wonder if the reason she chose you for Godmother is because you have money. Sorry to bring that up. But it's completely not normal that amount. I wonder if you are too people pleasing and she knows she can get what she wants from you. It doesn't sound like a friendship to me.

@parkyn I know it’s only a few days, but was wondering whether she has contacted you again regarding her request, or whether you have replied?

I would reply, ‘looking forward to Little Jonnys birthday, and will bring him a birthday present. See you on x date’.

I had organised all kind of birthday parties for my kids. Never spent more than £250. At 4yo, that could be renting a nearby hall, an entertainer, all the nursery kids, basic cake (kids don't care!), and some Costco sandwich trays. Even things like Laser quest, Bowling or Cinema wouldn't cost you that much, as usually it's 10-20 kids. The party is for the kid. This is the first time I hear about organising alcohol for a 4yo party, not just being in a place where you can buy it but purposely arranging it? Madness. She's taking you and your salary for granted as if she had any claim to it. She can spend what she can afford. Once you start "contributing", where does it stop? At the holidays abroad? The future 10yo "needing" a new console or VR equipment? What precedent are you setting and why? Godparent doesn't mean god fairy. You buy a present if you wish, but I would seriously not fund any party. I'm amazed at what people ask. I would never ask of that from Greatparents, not even a fifth of that. My kid, my party, my money. If I cannot afford it, I choose something I can afford. Family and friends contribute by being there, caring for my kid, and possibly getting a present. Which, at this age, will be a plastic toy with lights and noise 😅

Do not pay a penny toward the Mothers party. From what you've described its a party for the Mum not her 4 year old. Who provides alcohol at a childs birthday party? Average kids party cost about £200. That's if you hire a soft play or a hall with entertainment & a little childs picky bits buffet. She's one huge CF for suggesting you contribute. Don't let it become awkward just tell her 'No I won't contribute' if she mentions it again.

Shes taking the piss out of you op. Manipulative.

either you or there’s someone else who has posted about a similar situation where they are child free, god parent to a child where mum is single and the biggest CF trying to make the op pay for things for her.

with regards to the god parent thing, i believe shes strategically chosen you ££££

be careful and perhaps its time to grey rock her

It's my daughter's birthday next month. We haven't booked anything yet. But would love if you could make it.

What?! That’s mad. We’re having big ish party for my son’s first birthday. It will cost £120 for the hall, £170 for the bouncy castle and then something on top for food and party bags/decor (maybe another £150 if we feed everyone). We may provide 1/2 bottles of fizz but they won’t get drunk really. And I’ll make the cake but even if you bought that I’d say less than £500 for a big party! And if it’s summer and we could use our garden we would save a fortune!

🤣 Fairy Godmother 🧚‍♀️

That actually answers some of my questions about how people get so confused about a traditional religious and advice/support focused role and seem to imagine it means spilling cash and granting wishes.
I’ve now had an epiphany and realised they have confused it with Fairy Godmother. Too much Disney and Cinderella! 🎃 👠

Absolute joke
No thanks

I would look differently at this relationship from this point

3 hour hall hire, bouncy castle, pizza, M&S cake, party bags = £400 max where I live.
She's taking the p!

Just been talking to my other half to discuss this and I think the most expensive one we have had was about £250/£300. We've had softplay parties, swimming pool parties and so on. We didn't serve alcohol, but I don't think any of my Mum friends would expect it as let's face it, they're focused on the children. I don't think it hurts if the parents have a glass of wine or whatever, but it definitely shouldn't be a large part of the cost. One of my DC does want something a bit different next time, which will cost more but even then its only £500.

Apart from that though, I would never expect that myself and I think your friend shouldn't either. Yes get your GC a present and be the fun cool godmother (might be a bit young for them to think like that yet), but in my eyes that's your job done.

Good luck with it. You obviously don't want to upset your friendship, but at the same told that is an unreasonable amount of money, and you definitely shouldn't be expected to stump up for any of it.

My DP and I are child free and he is GF to a 17 year old. At her christening he joined with the GM to buy her a gift which was a bit expensive. Since then, it has been birthday and Christmas gifts (approx £20-40 depending on what he bought) and that’s it.

Put your foot down, and point out if she can’t afford to do these things then she shouldn’t do them. Your role is not to fund her lifestyle!

To the poster who asked (sorry for not tagging) she did acknowledge that it was a party for her too (only after I asked) - as a way to celebrate her return to London, but still insisted it was largely for her DC too. I do think my role as a child-free GP with a FT (therefore bigger) income meant I was expected to chip in/pay for a large portion of it.

I do agree with the posters who said this isn't toooooooo uncommon and there seems to be a theme of GPs being expected to shell out for things in a world that seemingly is becoming more and more 'showy' and materialistic and/or 'Instagram worthy'.

That said, as I said in my PP, I was actually comforted to know that so many parents put on a great party for their children - with wonderful memories made - and that such things don't NEED to cost an arm and a leg.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Do something for the child.....but it's not you're responsibility to supply the adults with booze! What a nerve!

My Godmother gave me a box of Maltesers every year. Best present out of all of them. Nothing else.

Um are you sure the amount of £3k isn't a cover up for using the money for something else ?!

She's trying to rinse you. Don't let her, and tell her to piss off.

Glad that you understood what I meant 😅 I was rushing and 'fairy godmother' became 'god fairy' 🧚🏼‍♀️

OP, you keep saying about these 'new' expectations for godparents and the Instagramable parties but I don't think that's true in the wider real world. Perhaps in the bubble your friend comes from, but I honestly do not know one single person who has done this between friends, acquaintances, and their 'friends of a friend'. I don't think it's usual, new, or an upcoming trend. And I definitely do not know any godparent contributing to costs on an annual regular basis. You are setting a precedent you might come to regret.

It's beyond awkward

It's really not at all. Let me know if you want to contribute leaves the ball in your court.

Don't pick it up

Buy the child a present or put £50 in a bank account in her name. Leave it at that.

On average, either hiring an entertainer, or hiring a soft play centre or whatever is going to cost anywhere between £100 to £250 depending on number of children and where it is. Most mums then make sandwiches, pizza, sausages, sausage rolls, carrot/cucumber/tomato, fruit platters, for the kids with water/squash/juice and then cake on top of that.

Most parties I've been to the mums are not drinking as they've got to drive/childcare after the party!!

I am a cake designer and a child's birthday cake depending on how intricately designed and how many it's feeding is going to cost anywhere from £80 upwards if you go to a cake designer, £25 max from a decent supermarket, and less if it's homemade.

Then afterparty take home gifts we always gave books at £1.50 each from The Works.

Maximum spend for 30 kids here is @£450 and that's for a pretty swanky party.

Unless your friend is hosting it at some private club, fully catered, party organiser employed, etc etc £3k is an absolute joke.

Good luck!!!

I wanted to add, after having had 3 children, our best parties were the ones we had in our back garden with party games, water slides, and silliness. I made the mistake with eldest child of trying to have a v special party when she was turning 5, and she was soooo tired from all the excitement in the lead up that she bawled most of the party and hid under a table . So from then on we decided parties at home, or if they really wanted to 'do' something (laserquest, crazy golf, climbing etc) then all food and subsequent entertainment was catered for by us.

Good luck xxxx

I'm a Godmother...and I spoil our Godchild rotten when I see her and my own kids definitely see her as an extra sibling in a way, she's a big part of our family but never in a million years would her parents expect us to chip in for something like that I find that incredibly odd.

I have 3 children and their birthday parties have only ever cost me between 100 to 200 pounds, sometimes less, sometimes a tiny bit more. Their birthdays are in January and February, so I tend to do joint parties.

Your friend is trying to impress the school Mum's. She's trying to live a champagne lifestyle on a cider budget. Tell her she best put some overtime in like the rest of us and find a babysitter, or get UC to pay the 80% childminding fees and work FT.