Friend 'asking' for £3k for 4th birthday party for her DD.

[parkyn]

I'm Godmother to my friend's child. The child turns 4 at the end of August. I'm CF (child-free) and earn a fair bit more than she does. Also, her income is a PT one due to her childcare commitments whereas I work FT. I live alone and yes, you could argue my life is 'simpler' than hers - but my outgoings aren't next to nothing.

She is planning a birthday party for her daughter and has somehow costed it to be around £3k. But a large part of that amount is apparently going towards alcohol as she's inviting her fellow Mum friends (obviously they would be there too). Her justification was that she was 'not going to serve guests crap booze' as it would give them a 'bad hangover'. She is also wanting to buy lots of 'champagne instead of prosecco' etc... but no mention of the cake for the child (yet) etc...

She said: 'All I need is £3k... you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about money. Let me know if you want to contribute!'

It's beyond awkward - and me being CF, I have no idea how much a child's birthday party costs - but I can't imagine every parent dropping £3k a year per child per birthday party. AIBU to think this is excessive?

If there are money struggles that I don't know about - that she's not mentioned - then that's another story.

I've been on here 20 years and this is up there with some of the craziest posts I've ever read, like what the hell - who does this??

Don't be silly now op. You get a present and a card and that's it. If she wants to put on the production of a lifetime then let her but that's for her and her purse to sort out not you. What a cheeky fucker! This is so not normal.

Open your mouth and use the words "get the fuck"

Seriously

you buy the child a pressie if you feel the need but to fund their ideas of a celebration ???

@parkyn if you go to this insta return to London party, just make it clear you are paying for yourself.
TBH it sounds awful, I would be 'busy' that day.

Are you the godmother or fairy godmother! £3k is insane on a children’s birthday party!

This absurd. Let's be honest. It's not a party for her child. It's for her.

My DD 4th was a soft play party for 15 of her friends. £250 including party bags etc.

Do you think this is social climbing? Would you appear to be agreeing with that if you contributed money towards it?

Could you not say that you cannot contribute to alcohol unless she could guarantee that the adults coming are not driving?

Cake, sandwiches, crisps, party bag.
£5 a head?
Parents aren't going to be drinking much at kids birthday party.

She should be saying to the mums - 'I'm hoping to make this a bit of a fun time for us mums too, so, if you'd like to stay and bring a bottle.... '

Also, it is more commonplace to have alcohol at parties here,

Um…no it’s not common at all to drink alcohol at a 4 year old’s birthday party. I’ve never seen it or heard of it before and I’ve been to plenty.

We spent about £170 to do an aquarium party. 5th birthday cost a cake and a few party bags as we we tto a playground. The cheaper was much more fun, the aquarium was a treat as we hadn’t been members that year.

Simple answer.

"No,sorry"

Good LOOOOOOOORD! What is this woman on about? I cannot imagine serving champagne (or any other alcohol) at a young child's birthday party. ALL you need is a bunch of drunk mothers loading a bunch of kids on a sugar-high from hell into cars!

Give her what YOU feel comfortable with, even if it is nothing at all. The most expensive birthday party I EVER threw for my kids when they were in that age range was $50 USD. Now that was a while ago. I calculated today's USD, and it would have been about $150 USD today.

Surely expensive alcohol has no place in a 4th birthday party?!

Sounds like she’s taking the piss to be honest. If you get stuck between a rock and a hard place, offer to pay for the cake

As pp have said you would do well to reconsider and reevaluate the friendship too.

I’ve known people a bit like this and they only get worse over time. You eventually cut ties with them anyway, after you feel they’ve taken advantage. So it’s best to bow out early.

Yes, I really agree with this OP. It’s a horrid thing to realise someone has ambitions to use you, but I would really take action now to close down contact a little before you find yourself being called upon with much more difficult approaches. It isn’t fair on you.

That said, you sound a lovely Godmother and it seems a shame not to keep sending the little GD a nice gift and to be available to her as she grows for advice and support. It’s just a tricky balancing act - but forewarned is, at least, forearmed!

This is turning into a different conversation.
Being a GM and buying a cake/ present is very different to a conversation about still being friends even if your life has gone in two different earning directions

I have friends I earn similar to, and some I no longer talk to about money as it would be inappropriate

Absolutely !

She is taking the absolute p**s!!!

To be honest, it has IME been a feature of some West London toddler parties. This is where there is at least one, maybe two, entertainers, the parents all live in the vicinity and are walking home, and often ( if, say, a Saturday morning), both parents come. In this situation, while the children are being entertained, I have seen champagne offered while the parents mingle. There usually isn’t any driving involved, and if there is, the non driving parent might have a glass. But, all of that said, not everyone accepts ( there is usually plenty of non alcoholic beverage on offer), and it isn’t large volumes. I don’t think I ever saw anyone take more than a glass. It wouldn’t be anything like £3,000 worth- even for a class of 20 children. But I’m almost completely certain none of the hosts I saw offer this would have sought contributions for it; they were hosting the way they wanted and footing the bill.

Another thing that I have since thought about that I didn’t put into my earlier comment and probably the most important of all.

If the roles were reversed and you had a child and had to go part time or you lost your job even without a child and she were the higher earner, would she be forthcoming in contributing towards your financial situation if you were struggling? I can’t imagine that she is a low earner by any means. Lots of high earners couldn’t afford or wouldn’t consider frittering away 3k on a glorified piss up. If we’re being honest this has nothing to do with her child’s birthday whatsoever. Would she still consider you a great friend if you didn’t have the job and the wealth that you have?

Think about the answer to those two questions. You don’t even have to answer on here only to yourself, but depending on what the answer is you may want to think about reevaluating the friendship as a whole. The sad fact is that she’s perfectly happy to see you out of pocket because she cares more about her mum friends getting a “bad hangover” and her image than she does taking from you wasting the money that YOU alone have dedicated time and hard-work into earning. She doesn’t care about throwing a nice child-friendly party for her own child. None of this benefits them. It shows that she is morally not a nice person and her priorities are only about her. She can’t even put her child first, what hope do you have of getting a look in at being treated properly?

Im sorry if that sounds harsh OP. Friendships aren’t about money but they are about equity as all good relationships are and about being treated fairly, with kindness and respect.
Does she recognise that your personality contains outstanding qualities completely separately to your job and money? The fact that you’ve even considered this situation shows that you are a kind and giving person. There are very few people like yourself in life by comparison to selfish people who will use people for their own gain. People like your friend are ten a penny in a life but people like you are rare. Spend time with people who can see your qualities independently of what they can gain from you.

You have one life OP, don’t waste it on people who aren’t worthy of your time and kindness.

The local soft play costs about £450 for 20 kids, others in the further area are about £300ish.
Parties around here tend to cost about £500 in total on average. It's absolutely ridiculous.
I can't wait until my children are old enough to pick a couple of friends to take to the cinema.

Hmm… I’m not sure. I reckon I’d pay 500 to dodge “The Sleepover” that becomes the desirable party a few years on. 🤨

I cannot tell you how many children’s birthday parties I have thrown over the years and $3K for a 4 year old’s party is RIDICULOUS, in fact obscene would probably be a better description. Pleased do not contribute.

It's certainly a cheeky request

That aside, contributing is a big difference from paying the whole £3K.... a contribution is self-determined.