Page 6 | My DM is an extremist

Summersunshine112 · 2024-08-04T21:34:29+00:00

My parents have always had strong political views, strong racist views, strong fattest views. From a young age I always knew I didn't agree with them and I tried my best to argue back. But I was shouted down and punished for voicing my own opinions. I am ashamed that I have parents who have these views. However my DM as she's gotten older has begun to have more extreme views. She now follows a far right extreme political party (you probably can guess which one). She has begun watching so much stuff online and since all this unrest recently she's been further sucked into it all. She even told me that she was considering going to a protest in London. She's never said anything like this before. I have a young DC and I am also worried about them being around my mum. I don't want her extreme views put onto them. I love my DM because she's my mum but I don't like her as a person and what she believes in and stands for. I feel sad for me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by her too. Has anyone else got parents like this? If so what did you do?

Kendodd · 05/08/2024 08:36

Sending solidarity ❤
My family are all like this.

MassiveOvaryaction · 05/08/2024 08:37

ruby1957 · 05/08/2024 07:56

OP you are very young if you were 10 in 2001 at the time of 9/11.
You come across as quite naive and lacking in life experience.

Show quote history

How is early 30s 'very young'?! Are you saying 'life experience' makes you racist @ruby1957 ?

@Summersunshine112I think I'd just be trying to avoid situations where discussions like this come up with your parents. Your not going to change their views.

Towerofsong · 05/08/2024 08:37

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 05/08/2024 06:10

The problem is as much our sweeping condemnation of certain views as it is the views themselves.

Someone mentioned a relative with a range of views she finds contradictory. That just backs up it’s purity spiral nonsense, and groupthink.

People can be rightfully concerned about Islam and role of women.

People can be rightfully concerned about the boats- they are awful, listen to the R4 documentary about it.

People can be rightfully concerned about immigration- many countries are.

people can be concerned about islamist extremism.

None of the above are inherently racist, though they are often adopted by ignorant racist people as justification.

Get a bit of nuance and allow people with more life experience to hold their own opinions.

Cor full disclosure, I have concerns about those parts of Islam that allow the abuse of women- and they do- just as I’m concerned about some sects of Christianity. Safeguarding is everyone’s business.

This.

People can have complex views and there is nuance in everything.

I also have huge concerns about aspects of Islam, particularly the totalitarian nature of it, the sectors that want Islam to be the governing and legal system wherever there is a Muslim population, the Muslim brotherhood funding of institutions, and the antisemitic parts of it.

It doesn't mean I am a racist who hates Muslims or any other group. I actively seek out friends from other countries as I like being exposed to different cultures and ideas.

I am also against extremism in my own religion.

Kendodd · 05/08/2024 08:38

Oh, I would add, they are outraged if you call out the racism. They genuinely believe they are not. In their head, lining people up against a wall to shoot them is racism, wanting them to 'go home' is not because they don't belong here in the first place.

alldayeveryday247 · 05/08/2024 08:40

@HeySummerWhereAreYou

No-one EVER comes on here and tells a story of a relative who is a racist and a bigot, and they are 25 or 30. They are always 55+. Parents, uncles, grandparents.

Would you not have a quick google / site search before stating such nonsense so confidently? This took me less than a minute:

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3931746-oh-brother-spurting-racist-crap-on-facebook

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am iibeingunreasonable/2847062-To-be-sick-of-listening-to-my-racist-brother

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2214429-My-brother-is-a-racist-boorish-arse

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4074613-Son-becoming-racist

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4129115-Son-and-very-right-wing-racist-views

Mycatsmudge · 05/08/2024 08:40

Jolene89 · 05/08/2024 08:15

Hotels housing asylum seekers are being targeted, a grieving mother had to write on social media asking them to stop and they’re chanting vile racist abuse. This cannot ever be justified and I am shocked anyone would try to excuse their behaviour.

Show quote history

The problem with unfettered mass immigration is not only do the indigenous population lose out but the migrants who come here seeking a better life are resented and become the targets of abuse. There is only so much resources a country has and in the UK everything is buckling under the pressure of demand from an ever increasing population.

I blame both Labour and conservative governments over the past 25 years for these riots as it was all very predictable. They have allowed mass immigrants without thoughtful planning of resources and schemes on how to integrate immigrants into the country peacefully. The attitude from politicians has been that it’ll work itself out, well that went well.

Then there is the question why mass immigration and illegal immigration has been allowed to happen to the extent it has been. My personal belief is politicians has been kowtowing to big business's insatiable want for cheap biddable labour and which the politicians themselves will eventually benefit from by been given well paid jobs from the same businesses when they leave politics.

alldayeveryday247 · 05/08/2024 08:43

@ForGreyKoala

It's always older people who are accused of this on MN.

As I said to another poster just now, would you not have a quick google / site search before stating such nonsense so confidently? This took me less than a minute:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3931746-oh-brother-spurting-racist-crap-on-facebook

www.mumsnet.com/talk/amiibeingunreasonable/2847062-To-be-sick-of-listening-to-my-racist-brother

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2214429-My-brother-is-a-racist-boorish-arse

www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4074613-Son-becoming-racist

www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4129115-Son-and-very-right-wing-racist-views

Twinsybalinsy · 05/08/2024 08:44

ruby1957 · 05/08/2024 07:56

OP you are very young if you were 10 in 2001 at the time of 9/11.
You come across as quite naive and lacking in life experience.

Show quote history

This is absolutely hilarious - I was also ten in 2001 and have worked since I was 16, have a university degree, travelled, got married, and now have a mortgage, decent career, dog, two children and am working on a pension! Whilst I've not got five decades behind me I think you'd struggle to describe most 32/33 year olds as naive particularly as we've lived through a global financial crash, political upheaval, and a pandemic...

katseyes7 · 05/08/2024 08:45

I found out relatively recently (a couple of years ago) that someone l've known for over 50 years was of this persuasion.
I couldn't believe it, she was a supporter of a far right political party, rampantly and openly so. I think l was more stunned by the fact that for for almost 5 decades she worked in the NHS, in a relatively senior nursing role, so would be working closely with people of the ethnicities she apparently found so abhorrent.
That was it for me. If I'm friends with someone, even if l've known them for a long time and liked them otherwise, l still couldn't get past that.

BobnLen · 05/08/2024 08:48

Kendodd · 05/08/2024 08:36

Sending solidarity ❤
My family are all like this.

Hopefully then you have no contact with them, if you do, you can't moan about it

GrumpyPanda · 05/08/2024 08:57

Andthereitis · 04/08/2024 23:30

Persuade them otherwise.

Unfortunately research has shown that rational arguments don't really get anywhere when people hold extremist/conspiracy narrative views.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 05/08/2024 08:59

HeySummerWhereAreYou · 04/08/2024 23:01

I find it strange how it's always the older generation (55+) who are the right-wing racists and bigots on these types of threads on Mumsnet. Yet all the right-wing/racist rioters in every town and city over this past week have been a younger demographic. In their 30s and 40s. Some in their 20s.

Just to add some balance to this ageist thread.

It's not ageist to ask how to cope with your parents views when you strongly opposed them.

If OP had said why do all old people think this?", ageist.

What she actually said was "I feel like this about my parents views, does anyone have the same experience to give me advice?".

Not ageist.

GrumpyPanda · 05/08/2024 09:05

ForGreyKoala · 05/08/2024 05:52

Well, actually it is. OP asked if anyone's parents were like this? They could just have easily asked if anyone's else had family members like this. The assumption was that it is only older people who could possibly think like that, whereas in fact it could be anyone of any age. It's always older people who are accused of this on MN.

Show quote history

Plenty of threads on MN about teenage boys being seduced into inceldom/Andrew Tate type of bs and asking advice. But that's a very different relationship dynamic from that with one's parents, so merits separate threads.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 05/08/2024 09:07

ForGreyKoala · 05/08/2024 05:52

Well, actually it is. OP asked if anyone's parents were like this? They could just have easily asked if anyone's else had family members like this. The assumption was that it is only older people who could possibly think like that, whereas in fact it could be anyone of any age. It's always older people who are accused of this on MN.

Show quote history

She's asking about a specific relationship, not a specific age range.

There is a difference.

Finlandia86 · 05/08/2024 09:11

Catza · 04/08/2024 23:03

My granny is a Putin supporter. I don’t understand why and I don’t want to. I love her, she is wonderful in every possible way except for this odd kinship with Russians she had her entire life which now escalated to this… She is an intelligent woman, though and knows how the rest of the family feel about it. More often than not she will change the subject herself if anyone as much as mentions that part of the world. I on,y ever get an earful if I make a comment, forgetting that she has a view on the subject. Like the recent case of a playwriter and actor being prosecuted by the Russian court for writing a play which an anonymous source found so offensive that they made a report to the authorities. I saw it on the news and out of shock said “Did they go back to USSR there”? I immediately got a lecture that imprisonment of intelligencia never happened and soviet censorship was a hoax. I had to immediately change the subject. Then called my mum who laughed and said that next granny will claim holocaust never happened.
She is absolutely harmless, though, She would definitely never join a protest and would never allow herself to voice her views in front of the young uns. Not that they would have any idea what she is on about.
I have no idea what we would have done if she did. I suppose just explain to the kids that everyone is entitled to their views but these are the reasons why we think these views are unacceptable. We generally tend to give information to the kiddo from both sides of the argument and let her make her own mind up. My partner has some fairly unsavoury views as well so we model the acceptable behaviour by showing that you can have calm discussions despite having opposing views. I also model substantiating claims and fact-checking. All good life lessons for the teen.
Definitely don’t feel embarrassed for your parents. It’s got nothing at all to do with you so you don’t need to carry this shame for them.

fascinated that you are romantically involved with a person whose views you find ‘unsavoury’, is he racist? How is it that you are romantically attracted to somebody with such different values?

Boomer55 · 05/08/2024 09:17

Don’t discuss politics with her…🤷‍♀️

Ponoka7 · 05/08/2024 09:17

DancingLions · 05/08/2024 07:21

Get a bit of nuance and allow people with more life experience to hold their own opinions

This.

I’m not far right. Far from it. But there are issues in society that need to be addressed. And yes, small boats is one. It’s not going to be solved by rioting of course and I don’t condone that at all. But labelling it as just being “far right” and racism isn’t helpful. For example, look up how many white Albanians have come here illegally. Whole towns in Albania are empty of young men.

“In the year ending June 2023 the UK received 11,790 asylum applications from Albanian nationals, almost two-thirds (7,557) of which originated from small boat arrivals”

And that’s just the ones that have claimed asylum (on what grounds I have no idea!). Plenty more are here working under the radar on building sites and suchlike. Then you have the criminal gangs.

The older I get the more I find my views aligning with feminists. I’m very concerned about VAWG, the protection of women’s safe spaces. I’ve started calling out misogyny. My views don’t always go down well. But I’m allowed to have them.

You can’t control what your parents think or what they say. Only your reaction to it. If you find it unacceptable then either you reach an agreement that certain topics aren’t discussed. Or you don’t spend time with them.

I don’t want or need someone “challenging” my views. It’s insulting. If someone wants to have a particular discussion around a certain issue that’s fine. I’m open to that. But it has to come from a place of open discussion. Not one that’s trying to get me to change because the other person thinks they’re right.

The Albanian point is interesting, because the gun and weapon hauls haven't been picked up, at all by thise supposedly concerned by criminals coming over via boat. Or the running of brothels and the brothels containing children. I tried to find a link but strangely only the DM and Sun are reporting on the latest haul.
I think that a lot of posters need to go to women's groups and listen to the women who have managed to escape from countries across Africa and the middle East. They are disgusted and fearful of (in their words) 'the very dodgy and wanting to change things to how life is back home, men'. Some of the women have had to change Churches etc. They have had to change were they shop because of the verbal abuse they got because they aren't living as the men think they should. These aren't Muslim, they are Christian. The same women have had family murdered back home and and and property stolen by groups who we give asylum to. They all suffered unaddressed sexual abuse as children. There is issues with cultural severe misogyny. The concerns around immigration isn't literally a black/white issue. We need to invest in processing people, tracking expired visas, looking at deporting criminals and returning people whose application has failed.

Aug12 · 05/08/2024 09:23

I suppose it depends on whether she would try and influence your children or not? If so then I’d probably only let them visit when I’m there (no babysitting) so I can re-direct conversations if those topics come up but if she can keep her values/opinions to herself then she can still be granny; lovely, kind granny that plays with her grandchildren and showers them in love.

BatsInSpring · 05/08/2024 09:26

ForGreyKoala · 05/08/2024 05:52

Well, actually it is. OP asked if anyone's parents were like this? They could just have easily asked if anyone's else had family members like this. The assumption was that it is only older people who could possibly think like that, whereas in fact it could be anyone of any age. It's always older people who are accused of this on MN.

Show quote history

Dealing with issues with your own parents is completely different from dealing with issues with a sibling, a cousin, an aunt etc
This is her MUM - it's completely relevant, and not even remotely ageist, for her to ask if anyone struggles with similar with a parent.

Hoardasauruskaren · 05/08/2024 09:26

I have a young relative (30ish) who despite having barely worked since leaving school at 16 posts & loads of racist nonsense about immigrants who come here to claim benefits!
We have very little to do with her and that’s one of the reasons why.

GingerPirate · 05/08/2024 09:30

No, not parents like this, although they were when alive.
I am like this.

Catza · 05/08/2024 09:32

Finlandia86 · 05/08/2024 09:11

fascinated that you are romantically involved with a person whose views you find ‘unsavoury’, is he racist? How is it that you are romantically attracted to somebody with such different values?

Show quote history

I wouldn't say he is a racist (this would be a line in the sand for me) but he is definitely right wing and some of his views I find questionable. The difference is that he is not a thug. He is a kind and gentle person and wouldn't dream of upsetting someone by voicing his views or to be involved in some sort of organisation/political party etc. His views, are ultimately a product of his upbringing (and ignorance, to a degree) which I appreciate and try to gently question. It doesn't affect our lives in any way apart from a few "debates" if touchy subjects happen to come up on the news/social media.
I respect his right to have an opinion even though I profoundly disagree with it. I also recognise that we all have biases. Every single one of us has subconscious biases. The difference between a racist (or homophobe/misogynist/xenophobe/etc etc.) and non-racist, is that non-racist recognises these biases and works towards not allowing them to inform how they behave.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 05/08/2024 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This would also be a minority of people.

If it is particular areas like you describe why aren't people talking to their mp and encouraging integration and building relations. breaking down barriers instead of sitting at home festering and doing nothing about it yourself?

You can't just go on the rampage in every city because of a few discrete areas like you describe.
Why aren't the areas you describe that 'hate English' being protested at?
Why our parks and city centres and random businesses, drivers, hotels with asylum seekers?

It's all just an excuse.

Those rioting aren't willing to even try and do anything positive to include people that they see as different.

Racists have preconceptions about anyone different to them and they just aren't willing to try and improve their own negative attitude.

Easier to do nothing and blame people than get off your arse and build relationships with people in your neighbourhood.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 05/08/2024 09:38

hannaboo · 04/08/2024 23:02

You are wonderful. To overcome the family pressure and think differently to your parents is so hard. As an only child I too was frightened of expressing contrary opinions and ridiculed for my ideas. As an adult I had little contact with them, and only talked of daily issues, never a discussion of big issues. I think that you cannot 'win ' here so I would do as you are doing, and keep your distance. You are upset by her ideas and she is not. Avoid them as much as you can feel comfortable with. The public participation and expression is worrying too, and your children would not benefit from contact. I can see a lot of minuses and few pluses in the relationship.

I agree, especially that op is wonderful.

Shodan · 05/08/2024 09:42

My mother was a Labour voter and member of the Labour party for most of her life but in the last couple of years of it became disillusioned and started threatening to vote BNP.

TBH, I don't know why - I had a rule to never discuss politics with her or one of my brothers, who was an equally fervent Green supported as they were quite condescending towards anyone who didn't share their views on everything.

She was unpleasant in many other ways as well though so I did cut contact with her for a few years before resuming. After the period of non-contact I made my own rule that only light topics were to be discussed and stuck to that.

It does make me wonder though- given her previous politics, is it something that's likely to happen to even the most liberal-minded of us? Or those of us who like to think we're liberally minded, but are in fact quite dogmatic in our views?