My DM is an extremist

[Summersunshine112]

My parents have always had strong political views, strong racist views, strong fattest views. From a young age I always knew I didn't agree with them and I tried my best to argue back. But I was shouted down and punished for voicing my own opinions. I am ashamed that I have parents who have these views.

However my DM as she's gotten older has begun to have more extreme views. She now follows a far right extreme political party (you probably can guess which one). She has begun watching so much stuff online and since all this unrest recently she's been further sucked into it all. She even told me that she was considering going to a protest in London. She's never said anything like this before.

I have a young DC and I am also worried about them being around my mum. I don't want her extreme views put onto them.

I love my DM because she's my mum but I don't like her as a person and what she believes in and stands for. I feel sad for me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by her too.

Has anyone else got parents like this? If so what did you do?

No this is not the case. Whenever she has been out and met someone of a different race or culture she always expresses her surprise at how lovely they were. Which is frustrating because I'm like I know you don't need to judge a whole race/religion on just a group of extremists.

However she will still talk about these groups as a whole in a racist way, which I believe she is fed through these online groups and newsreeds and conspiracy theories.

I have a family member like this. I no longer have any contact with them because we have such different views that neither of us will comprise on (I’ve tried hearing why they hold their views).

FWIW, to the poster making it an age thing. My family member is mid forties.

Oh for goodness sake. You can't say anything about anyone older on this site, even when it's about a single person behaving abhorrently, without being accused of ageism. It's bloody ridiculous.

Ageist: All boomers are right wing racists.

Not ageist: How do I deal with my racist parent.

Hope that helps as you appear to have a comprehension problem.

I think there have always been those racist types but the difference now is that they have all found each other on the social media and internet.

I notice that the more they watch of this far right (and monetised) content, the angrier they seem to get. I am observing this in a work colleague who was quite normal a few years ago and while not racist, has got hooked into the anti women, anti minorities, anti left You Tube content.

I do genuinely think though that cancelling of people’s views and labelling them ‘extremist’ when the majority disagree with them/ judgement for who people vote for actually is dangerous, it leads to resentment and anger. Therefore people become more extremist and more likely to take action. They are more likely to vote for extreme parties in an attempt to get that voice back.

I agree. It seems very extreme to cut off close family and otherwise loving relationships because you hate their opinions. Retreating into our own bubbles only leads to greater extremism IME. Black and white thinking is usually best challenged through interaction with people we care about. You can agree to disagree and to live your life differently to hers. This is a challenge to extremist thinking in itself.

....apart from choosing to meet them 3 times a year.

Well put. Thanks

This isn’t about extremism is it? If your mum had extreme left wing views - if she was a Stalinist, say, or a Maoist - you would presumably regard this as a harmless eccentricity (“tsk! There’s mum banging on about the five year plan again!”) despite the fact that both Stalin and Mao were murderous despots responsible for millions of deaths.

What you really mean is “I don’t like my mum having different political opinions from me”. Well you don’t have to like it - it’s a free country still (just about). But because it’s a free country your mum is allowed to believe what she wants.

You might want to consider the possibility that she is right, at least about some things.

This.

You sound very intolerant to people who think differently to you OP. Have you ever tried listening to her concerns rather than labeling her a bigot?

Apologies, I have not RTFT, although I have read your posts. You were specifically asking about your DCs exposure to her views. The thing is, that they are going to hear these views, and other views that you disagree with in the course of their childhood and lives.

Rather than try to shut her out (when she is your mum, you love her and I am assuming your and DCs relationship with her is generally good and important to you all), I would work on encouraging critical thinking in your kids - discuss what your mum thinks and believes, where she might be getting her information, other sources of information, different views. There is no age too young to start encouraging critical thought and it is good for them to know that people think different things and they will have to make their own decisions (preferably based on facts and logic rather than emotion).

My own DM also has totally wacky views (not easily categorised) but the loss of my relationship with her over this would be harmful to us all, so we agree to disagree and I have encouraged my DC to think for themselves. Which they do, and they don't always agree with me. Which is normal.

Hotels housing asylum seekers are being targeted, a grieving mother had to write on social media asking them to stop and they’re chanting vile racist abuse. This cannot ever be justified and I am shocked anyone would try to excuse their behaviour.

You need to drop contact rather than be two faced about it and hang on so I suggest you need to sort something else out with the children rather than think you might use her in the future.

Haha! Now that is ageist. You don't know my life experience thank you.
I also know I can be kind to people and its not right to have extreme racist and sexist views on the world whereby you consider throwing bricks at places of business or other people.

My dad is an extremely intelligent (retired professor) Trump supporting climate change denier. We speak about twice a year and he now never sees my kids. Lives in a different country to me which makes life easier. Like you say he's the only dad I've got so I still enjoy his advice and ideas for non contentious discussion topics but...

Which cities are these where it’s ’not Safe to go’? Asking because I used to be a lone worker in London and the only place we were not allowed on our own was for reasons wholly unrelated to race tensions…

Actually as I've said in other posts. It's not just the political views. Both parents are racist, fattist, sexist. However my Dm views are becoming more extreme recently due to the Internet and social media.
My dad is properly more misogynistic and believes women should be at home to serve the man. There's men's jobs and they are the breadwinners etc. My mum also believes this and does the whole "boys will be boys".
My DM spouts the whole "woke" stuff too and is quite homophonic.
So it's not just political stuff, it's a mixture of different views.

If you don't like them or agree with them then you should have no contact, it's rather two faced to still see them and use them, I managed quite easily not seeing my father for years.

Can strongly relate.

My parents used to be die hard Labour voters. I grew up with those values and tend to vote that way now.

Meanwhile they’ve become further and further Right wing. Especially DM. She’s always needling for a fight too - dropping inflammatory comments into conversations. It’s frustrating and provocative and disappointing but I tend to ignore, leave it a moment then so start a different conversation.

Social media plays into it so much. My mums algorithm on Twitter and Facebook must be absolutely toxic. At the weekend she was making comments sympathising with the appalling rioters. This was at a family event with grandkids around.

I really don’t want to fall out with them.

There is no reliable way of telling how old anyone is on an anonymous forum.

If they had similar brothers, cousins or friends they would be saying the same thing! It isn’t ageist.

My mother and sister are exactly the same! I got into a few arguments with them about their disgusting views. They reported me to the police for being a 'terrorist supporter'. Twice! Been NC since. Best thing I ever did was cut them off.

Yep, this exactly. @Mumsie23 , what a stupid thing to say. We’ve all, in all likelihood, had a bad encounter with someone from every race or religion at some point, whether you knew it or not. Taking that as the reason you had the encounter and then forming a judgement about a whole group of people because of that is pretty stupid.

I’m Muslim, I’ve had plenty of people say things to me because of it. My DH is still white, my best friend is still Sikh, my DSIL is still black. I judge them based on who they are, not their skin colour or religion.

and please stop with the ‘foreigners’, it’s disrespectful.

In my case, my job supports me with specific cases to challenge their views.

Sharing my utter horror and shock, reading the Home Office documents for some of the asylum seeking families I worked with, makes it much more personal and human. I have used their photos (without any names), I have talked of the positives that are brought to the community and the generosity shown by these families. The shared foods, the gifts of time and sharing of skills.

I have also constantly explained the system. What an asylum seekers is, what they can and can't claim, how time limited support works. The numbers of those here, legally seeking asylum and the small numbers here illegally.
I've talked about the wider visa system and the salary that those applying for visas must earn. There is so little understanding of the legal system around asylum, so many misused terms.

I've asked them what ‘we’ would do, if our family were in that same situation. We would certainly seek safety for our children.

I've used this tactic with my one if my DC’s and my parents. My DC was shocked that he had presented information that meant he could be seen as racist and has sought more information. We have had some healthy debate and reading.

My elderly DP’s are Daily Mail readers and have issues with empathy about anything these days. They voted leave, they think immigrants use our services, despite living abroad as ex-pats ( immigrants!) for a number of years.
They can understand the horror asylum seeking people have experienced. They can differentiate the failings in the Conservative led Home Office, which has created a huge backlog in cases to be dealt with. They try and be more understanding ( about loads of things, benefits, council housing, and more) but struggle.

I’m having the same issue with my mum, who has gone from a fairly open minded live and let live type to a right wing, homophobic, transphobic, anti immigrant racist.

She lives in a rural village which is uniformly white, had not seen her country ‘taken over’ as some PPs are claiming as an excuse, has not been impacted in any way shape or form by any of the issues she now has a far right view on. All of it has come from Facebook, which she is obsessed with. She is the perfect example of someone being targeted by the rage to engage click bait algorithm.

At the same time, she’s become very ‘religious’. I use ‘’ because there is nothing spiritual or Christian about her religion - it’s all quoting the bible out of context to support all of the right wing hate. She’d make a brilliant case study for how people can be manipulated and radicalised by social media.

And to the tiresome person calling out ‘ageism’ because OP is talking about her mum. My 10 year old nephew openly uses slurs for gay and black people, talks about burning down hotels with ‘foreigners’ in them and is generally horrific in his language to the point he will likely be excluded from school soon.
He learns all of this because of the time he spends with his other grandparent who, like my mother, is not impacted by any of the excuses given for racism upthread, but is just a vile, ignorant, thick individual who wants to feel better about themselves through white supremacism.