My DM is an extremist

[Summersunshine112]

My parents have always had strong political views, strong racist views, strong fattest views. From a young age I always knew I didn't agree with them and I tried my best to argue back. But I was shouted down and punished for voicing my own opinions. I am ashamed that I have parents who have these views.

However my DM as she's gotten older has begun to have more extreme views. She now follows a far right extreme political party (you probably can guess which one). She has begun watching so much stuff online and since all this unrest recently she's been further sucked into it all. She even told me that she was considering going to a protest in London. She's never said anything like this before.

I have a young DC and I am also worried about them being around my mum. I don't want her extreme views put onto them.

I love my DM because she's my mum but I don't like her as a person and what she believes in and stands for. I feel sad for me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by her too.

Has anyone else got parents like this? If so what did you do?

My parents are both sounding more right wing having been reading the Daily Heil for a decade or so. It’s awful when you hear them trotting out the racist, xenophobic bile and repeating the bloody populist slogans from “get Brexit done to stop the boats” etc. I could scream… so I sympathise.

Could you secretly set up anti-badness filters on DM’s device that she gets her social media on?!

I can’t be bothered arguing the toss about all the things so I often just say “I don’t agree with that” and we leave it at that. It IS annoying and depressing though. People can have their views but really, really shouldn’t force them on everyone.

@Summersunshine112 , do have a word with yourself and shake your head. I know their is a culture (deeply apparent on Mumsnet) of group speak but that I believe is for depressing people who can’t think for themselves.
I’m guessing your mum is supporting Reform? Not racist at all.
Please don’t be tedious, your poor mother.

I don't have much advice, but commiserations. My parents (though separated) are going the same way, as is my aunt. My dad has always been a bit like this politically, but he used to be able to debate things rationally. Since retiring he's been watching a lot of GB news etc and believes it all to be fact.

My DM and aunt fell down the conspiracy rabbit hole during Covid (both refused to be vaccinated) and now follow all sorts of pro-Russia and radical right rubbish on Facebook and Youtube. There seems to be a lot of crossover with that and health misinformation... so not only are they now impossible to have normal conversations with, but they're refusing to seek or follow medical advice for their serious healrh conditions and keep insisting they just need vitamin C tablets... it's like they've been brainwashed. I've given up trying to get through to them.

My mum has some extreme views too and sometimes says them at our house. I openly disagree with them and do so in front of my dc. I don't let any minor detail pass without a remark back.

You are getting exposed to one set of propaganda, your mother another and your kids another. Your kids probably think you are a bigoted transphobe. Your mother’s views probably align with a lot of Japanese people who don’t like foreigners and put signs up banning foreigners from their shops or restaurants. Rise about the constant pressures to divide our families. Alternatively report her to some government agency for wrongthink.

Do you think the OP should not have asked tbis question?

I’m interested to know how/why you’re raised by these same parents yet hold such different views. Do you believe your education influenced your perspectives? When did you realise growing up that your views diverged significantly from that of your parents?

Because he's living in Texas in the 1860s?

But fewer votes (percentage-wise) than Hitler, who therefore wasn't extreme at all.

My Dad is a complex character. As left wing as you can get but islamophobic as they come. He’s also a vocal misogynist. I explained very young to my children about acceptance of all cultures, skin colour and religion, and that their Grandad speaks a lot of shit sometimes. Like I said he’s complex and very anti-genocide in Palestine and pro supporting asylum seekers, campaigns against climate change etc, He accepts immigration is a good thing, it’s just the Muslim faith he has issues with and he lumps the majority of south Asians into the category of Muslim until he finds out otherwise. He’s also a coward and only vocal about his bigotry in safe spaces for him Al hough I worry these events will change that.

i understand OP that life isn’t as black and white as MN makes out. We can’t just cut off everyone who has a divergent opinion in our lives but we can reach our kids from that. You are their strongest influence right now and you can teach them acceptance. it’s a good lesson for kids to learn that adults are imperfect and that sometimes their opinions are dangerous. I teach mine to challenge him and ask him questions ‘why’ - it has generally cut down the number of rants he goes on. We have just walked out when he kicks off the way he does and that has also cut down the number of rants.

My eldest sibling is going the way of my dad. While he doesn’t overtly support racism he is full of micro-aggressions and thinks it’s ok to make jokes at the expense of minorities. He’s be affronted to be called a racist but he’s redefining in his mind what racism is according to his white middle aged man oppression (thinks all traditionally oppressed groups, especially women are out to steal his freedoms rather than seeking equality and that the white middle aged man is a scapegoat and actually now the most oppressed) . It’s interesting watching the change in mindset to see how hes come to think this way, as he was always far more open minded and of a generation where racism and sexism for the most part was being challenged as unacceptable. I think understanding the likes of him is key to understanding why younger men (and women) are turning to more right wing mindsets.

You are being too judgemental.

If your mother is kind and loving to you and your family and doesn't express extreme views about violence etc in front of your children (and you can ask her not to and she listens and respects your boundaries) then I would embrace her.

Rejoice that you live in a country where freedom of expression means being free to express differing opinions, attend rallies and have differing points of views without loosing any friends.

Discuss your different views, encourage your children to examine in fine detail her opinions (pros and cons) when they are older.

As long as Mother is respectful to others (and you remind her if she's not) and does nothing illegal, let her be herself.

Yeah my parent used to watch BBC (not even ITV) but now they have GB news on all the time and just get angrier and angrier. I think COVID was the switch.

They are really leaning into the victim narrative - it wasn't like that in my day it was better or we really suffered with the XXX kids don;t know they are born.

I guess they feel disempowered, and anger makes you feel like you have some control. Also they are facing their mortality and prehaps feeling like what was it all for...

It’s not ageism to point out your real experiences with extreme political views. They happen to be older! No one is saying all +55s are the same.

My dad is becoming obsessive about certain political issues too. Mostly immigration and immigrants. He is draining to be around as it is constant negativity. He watches GB News all day in his retirement and has become a resentful and bitter old man. He genuinely thinks GB News is an impartial news source.

It is difficult to know how to deal with it as he knows I don’t not have the same political views. 5 years ago he wouldn’t have said them out loud but he’s becoming more and more comfortable airing them. He just wants to rant, no one else is allowed a different view and anyone who dares to have one is branded a “woke”. It’s very sad to see him become such an angry bigot when he has so much to be grateful for in life. You have my sympathies.

Weell her mother isn't going g to be the same age as her or younger is she.

It would be sad to cut contact with her just bc of her views imo.

Well, I am 53 and I don't share these views. I agree that this thread has nothing to do with ageism and that it is all about how to deal with a relative that the OP finds difficult.

FWIW, I would have found this difficult to deal with when my children were young, too.

Even now, it annoys me when people start spouting racist nonsense or try to argue that Reform is centre right!

Don't get me wrong, people are entitled to their views and, mostly, I just change the subject or listen for about five minutes but when it is constant, it is a bit of a deal breaker.

Well, actually it is. OP asked if anyone's parents were like this? They could just have easily asked if anyone's else had family members like this. The assumption was that it is only older people who could possibly think like that, whereas in fact it could be anyone of any age. It's always older people who are accused of this on MN.

I would not hold the same clout if it were a relative. It could then have been a distant uncle or aunt, for which the advice would be different.

They key point is that this person is the OP's mother, which is a closer and more complex relationship

Reform isn't racist?
Behave, Nigel!

No, Nigel is not racist at all. He just hates brown people and is just 'honest.'

The problem is as much our sweeping condemnation of certain views as it is the views themselves.

Someone mentioned a relative with a range of views she finds contradictory. That just backs up it’s purity spiral nonsense, and groupthink.

People can be rightfully concerned about Islam and role of women.

People can be rightfully concerned about the boats- they are awful, listen to the R4 documentary about it.

People can be rightfully concerned about immigration- many countries are.

people can be concerned about islamist extremism.

None of the above are inherently racist, though they are often adopted by ignorant racist people as justification.

Get a bit of nuance and allow people with more life experience to hold their own opinions.

Cor full disclosure, I have concerns about those parts of Islam that allow the abuse of women- and they do- just as I’m concerned about some sects of Christianity. Safeguarding is everyone’s business.

Your Royal Highness? That you? Did he use to say he wants to come back as a virus when he dies?

How disgusting! I think you should cut contact and donate your inheritance, when the time comes, to a good cause. Be consistent in your feelings!

What are her personal experiences of people of other races? All of us have different lives and different experiences and this is bound to influence our views. She may have had an unpleasant encounter with foreigners, and thinks they are all the same.