To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

Why don't you try a house share? You have a safety net - your parents' house - if it doesn't work out, but it may increase your independence and also your social connections. I house shared when I was younger and had many sociable experiences as a result. Also cheaper and less isolating than renting a one bedroom flat.

Can you buy a flat, rent it out and live at your parents then you have an investment and can move into it if you want to…

Hi OP,

We’re the same age. Late 20’s onwards are a strange age. We’re looking to buy a house as well.

I read the updates, and your situation reminds me of a lot of people I know. They’ve got money to move out, but don’t have anyone else to move out with, so just stay at home, and live with parents. They just sit at home and do nothing apart from work and play games online.

I moved out over a decade ago - not through choice but, I learnt that once, I got my independence, and if I’m honest I’ve always been very independent - that’s another story - so I’ve thrived once I’ve moved out of a suffocating living environment. I can’t ever go back home. I tried for a couple of weeks, and moved back out.

You don’t owe anyone for what you want to do in your life, you’re now an adult, so you’re now responsible for your life. It shouldn’t be down to you to look after your parents when they get older. Your life is important, and you only live once. You’re so much more than that.

But you need to evaluate yourself - what do you actually want from life?

Do you have or want a career? Do you want a partner? Do you want a pet? Do you want a home?

Sometimes, these things don’t come overnight. Sometimes, these things take a while to process, but you need to experience life to understand what you might or might not want.

I have adult children, your age (a bit younger and a bit older). Neither could afford to buy a house on their own. You are not at all unusual in that. Their friends that are just moving into buying 1st homes (flats, not whole houses) are doing it with partners and a bit of parental help. It's a bit unrealistic to think of moving straight from family home to something smaller, but similarly comfortable.
I think if you are unhappy at home, and can manage to rent a little flat of your own, with gym etc. then you should go for it. You don't sound happy as things are.

This

I lived with my parents until i was 38 except for uni. I had a v expensive hobby. When i bought a house at 38 it was/is 30 mins from friends and family. I ended up with depression and anxiety within 3 months which i'd never had before. Id changed jobs at the same time as moving and no one went into the office so i ended up alone most days. Also my hobby had wound down massively, id had 3 horses and was out from 5am to 8pm every day incl going to work. So there were multiple factors in my depression.
Anyway, i managed to get a hold of it by throwing myself out into the world - getting a PT, getting a dog and doing loads of dog classes and social things. It was a tough time but i wouldnt change it now. As others have said, you will have to move on eventually. Just be prepared and get involved in things outside the house so you can meet people

Do some serious savings and buy yourself a car, that will enable you to pop here and there and be easier to expand your social life and friends, that in turn may help you decide where you want to live if you do decide to move out.

I get it, my kids are young adults and have moved out/drop in occasionally but in your shoes, I'd buy a small place nearby and that way, you can ease yourself into having your own space gradually. Also, if you did meet somebody, it'd be easier to have your own space. It doesn't have to be a spacious house and garden. A flat nearby would work. You might have fun putting your own stamp on it.

Oh love, you are not alone. I think a lot of people are struggling these days with finding themselves.
There is a really good book called "The courage to be disliked" it's not really about being disliked, it's about finding the courage to do things that you feel you can't.
It's based on Adlerian psychology and it's inspirational.

I moved out and bought a house when I was 24, enjoyed it for a good few years as I was working full time with a longish commute to work, so it was a nice small space for me to come back to the evenings. I also tried a couple of hobbies which took up my time. But as things changed in 2020 with the covid situation and I started working from home, I decided I needed more space, so just two years ago, my dad gave me the opportunity to move back into his house and sell mine. He lives in Darlington with a partner, and the house will be mine to inherit, so I'm happy to do that now. I pay him rent and I'm enjoying a little more money. But I was able to run a car for many years with mortgage payments being about £200 a month. This is in West Yorkshire though, so I know they will be different elsewhere.

My eldest adult son is disabled and will need 24/7 care for the rest of his life. So we found a place for him 2 years ago so that when the time came that we were no longer able to care for him the responsibility would not fall on his younger siblings. I wanted to be in control of the move etc whilst I was able to. The place is perfect. He’s at the stage now that he prefers his house there to coming home. My eldest daughter will step in as deputy for our son so will look out for her brother and look after his finances . She absolutely idolises him. I don’t know how old your parents are but it’s definitely something that they need to think about long term.

in your situation I’d probably stay put for the minute and really work on widening your social circle. Keep an eye out for property but don’t move somewhere not entirely right because you feel you should.

You have to be careful it doesn’t lead to you being someone that stays single and lives with their parents until they die. I come across these people in my work and quite often it has resulted in issues for them (trying to put this kindly).

Hi Op,
I would take a risk and move out. I took a risk to buy a house when I was 38. It was scary moving away from friends and a renting lifestyle but I’m glad I took the plunge. I’m now happily married with a beautiful baby boy. Go for it!

Have read your update and it seems you've very limited in what you can afford to buy, so your hesitation is understandable. I wouldn't want to spend everything I had to be lonely and isolated in a one bed flat. You might be better staying put and talking to a financial advisor about what to do with the money you have saved - investing it etc so you can perhaps buy something better/bigger a few years down the line.

I lived away in my 20’s and had to move back home in my 30’s because it was me that needed care.
Never thought about it at the time - my parents’ home was always a safe haven, I got on so well with them both.
Of course, over time I lost my own independence. And then I became carer to each of them in turn which took a decade of my life. Other family members just assume you will be the carer as you are there - not a thought given to the effect on you.
I don’t regret my time with them, but for this young woman I would suggest taking the leap.
Staying in a complete comfort zone doesn’t allow you to grow much, and that’s the way to experience life.
Get a place, get a flatmate, make a few new friends and explore something new.

Don't move if you don't want to and your parents don't mind. Why don't you buy a property and let it out so at least you have that future investment?

A few people are putting about the OP being lonely and isolated if she moves out. In my original reply I perhaps thought she should stay at home but as more updates happen, it is already apparent the OP is isolated and lonely. She's isolated from her community, has no partner, no work colleagues or incentive to create a social life. By staying at home, it just further encourages this further isolation with just parents who won't be around forever and a disabled sister for company.

I think familt relationships are great and important to have but everyone needs relationships outwith your family to prevent isolation and lonelieness and to live a fuller life. It really seems the OP lacks this and by moving out, she would still maintain her close family relationship but also the motivation to build on new connections also.

As a parent of a 30 year old, I think it's not about where you live it's how you live.
I understand it's hard for your age group to get on the property ladder, but deep down I think you feel like this is the natural first step for others, but you don't have the confidence to spread your wings and fly.
Work on your confidence and self esteem and try to increase your social circle.
Gym? Hobby groups?
Work from your office more, even if it's time consuming to get there.
You say you're a people pleaser, but you don't want to be a carer for your sister
So kindly meant, you're coasting along because it's easy.
Save as much as you can and look into properties you can afford and see how you can make it happen
New job perhaps near cheaper property.
Discuss with your parents.
They will want the best for you

I agree with a lot of the other posters in that you need to widen your life a bit. Maybe even find a job where you go in to an office for a start. Then once your circle is wider, move out.
i have children in their early 20s at uni. One finishes next year and is already talking about not moving home. I’d be sad but I’d be sadder if they moved home and were unhappy and had no social interaction. What do your parents think, have you spoken to them about it?
Your sisters needs are a bit of a red herring unless you are going to be her carer when your parents eventually pass (and it doesn’t mean you can’t move out in the interim). Probably all the more reason to grab life now.

Why not learn to drive and get a car instead, then you can be more independent.

I agree. For arguments sake I had a lodger in my first house who was early 30’s. Initially she had a job but that didn’t last long (I think she was agency). She was so recluse that she genuinely rarely left her room. She even washed up in the bathroom, rarely venturing downstairs, I assume she stock piled food in her room. I became quite concerned she had harmed herself in someway as there was so little movement from her. I guessed her parents (who seemed loving and would see her every fortnight or so) thought she was just living a regular life.

@AtHomeForever

why don’t you want to do a houseshare Op? It’s cheaper and could be a great way of making friends and developing a social life for yourself.

If you're all happy, stay home and be happy together.

I do get on with my parents but I can find them stifling - they are very over-protective

Well, this puts a very different slant on it, no?

I think it’s actually important that you do move out.

Agree. OP, you need to leave. I have no doubt that your parents are lovely people but you risk a life of regrets if you don't get out and make your own way.