To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

I am 39 and also at home. I am desperate to move out but can't afford it.
I love my independence and feel my mental health would improve massively if I were to have my own space.
With that said, many do get lonely living alone. In that instance, it makes sense to stay at home if you are happy there. Stuff what society says is 'normal'. It's your life and you are the one that has to live it.
One thing I will say is that you could well end up becoming your parents carer as they become elderly and as I have seen from someone in their fifties living at home, that becomes their complete life by that point. Many parents have a plan for when they age but a lot don't and as the one living at home, it will fall entirely on your shoulders.

I think if you struggle with moving away, you are going to struggle with moving to Australia. But if you don't want to care for your parents or sister and find them stifling, you need to move out soon.

In the kindest way, I think you need to move out. Rent at first, if that’s makes it easier. You need to step out as an independent adult. Even though you’re chronologically an adult, of course, living with your parents means you’re still stuck in that parent-child relationship.

My ex lived with his parents until he was 45. It’s very obvious. He’s spoilt (and I do think all parents would ‘spoil’ their child to some extent if they lived at home); he has poor relationships with other adults because the adults he spoke to for all those years were his parents; he relies on other people and is selfish, and just kind of stunted emotionally.

You shouldn’t be lonely in your own place. It’s part of growing up - taking responsibility for things, making independent decisions; being at ease in your own company; and developing as a separate person.

The part about Australia was just a joke.

I feel so stuck. Rent on a one bedroom flat is £1000/month+ in my town, but I think that could be my best option? I have seen some where they have gyms and lounges so I think it could be quite social? The only flats I can afford to buy are shared ownership ones and they're all far out of town in housing developments with nothing around - perfect for families but not for a single person with no car. I don't want to do a house share.

I totally see your dilemma.

Intergenerational living can be great if you get on, respect each other and plan the space well. My son and I are considering buying a house together.

Could there be a halfway house if borrowing and the house/plot would allow. Such as you pay for a garden/garage flat/loft extension to be built to create a separate place at your parents’ home, thus adding value, and giving you your own, self contained, private space for having people over etc? If you plan carefully, this could be designed for your parents to move into when they’re much older and possibly less mobile, and you then expand your family into the house.

Or you purchase a place and let it out, so you have your own investment, should you decide later you want to move out or buy with a partner.

Might force you out of your comfort zone, force you to be social. Force you to reach out. Also you need to think of the future who is going to look after your sister, it will fall to you if you stay. Your parents might have to think about future provision for her if you have your own life.

I saved and bought my first home at the age of 34. Like you, I was single and didn’t have a huge friendship circle. To start with it did feel lonely, but I soon grew to love having my own space.

I eventually met my husband and we moved in together and sold my flat after having DD. I look back now when I’m knackered and realise what a lovely time that was (obvs wouldn’t change things but it will give you independence to live your own live too ).

Exactly, and the "comfort zone" thing cuts both ways. It's easy for adult children to get into the habit of relying on their parents for company and household stuff. But having an unemcumbered (single, no kids) adult child in the house can also encourage elderly parents to give up doing things for themselves at an earlier age, whereas in other circs they would have had to work out solutions/dig into savings and pay for someone to cut the grass etc.

My 25 yr old would also hate to live alone. There’s nothing wrong with that, everyone is different. But do please buy a property regardless.

You cant very well stay with your parents when you need them, then leave because they need you - either because they need care or because they can no longer manage yr sisters needs. I wouldnt want to be a carer either!

Personally, I think you should just buy somewhere and remember that the initial lonliness is in your hands to change. Or a short term flat-share and save. Or at the very least, plan for 12 months at home whilst you save hard AND commit to doing something alone, new, and different every month, like you would if you wanted to meet bew people after moving to a new area.

Are your parents sociable or do they rely on you? What are their plans for your sister?

What sort of things do you like? Do you go to the gym now?

Why don’t you have friends? Do you never go out or go on dates? Hobbies?

Your parents won’t be around forever and I think if you end up being your sister’s carer then you’ll end up even more isolated.

I think in your situation I would go into the office once a week to create more social opportunities. Maybe join an activity or hobby that you may be interested in. I think you need to consider you are an introvert so what will be right for you. This may have already been said but your parents won’t be around forever and having your independence will be beneficial long term. Maybe save more money so a mortgage would be smaller in a couple of years? You could still be near enough that you could see your parents for dinner a few times a week? But for now I would work on your social skills/life and build from there.

I think the danger with remaining at home is that you become too comfortable and stop bothering to make other connections. If you live alone you may well feel more compulsion to socialise and make a conscious effort to make friends or find a partner.

I think it’s lovely OP. You shouldn’t move out just because of societal pressures. I’ve always felt welcome at my parents. I moved out at 25 and bought a place but it was the right time.

I could happily live with my Dad, DH says if my Mum goes first we’ll have my Dad live with us.

Unfortunately I couldn’t live with my mum.

Theres no shame in it OP do what suits you.

I live with DH and two kids but my DH works away a lot, I also work remotely and I do get quite isolated sometimes.

Definitely do get some connections. I’m a member of a gym and have made a circle there. I wouldn’t call them friends but it does provide me with some adult company.

As someone who's been a similar situation but bought, my advice is don't use the money for a house, use it to go travelling or build the life you want. That might sound really strange, but at 30 living at home becomes your comfort blanket and I do think buying a house on your own if you can't afford to be in the area you work and you don't really have a social life in will keep you down.
If I could do it over again, I would think about what I wanted my life to look like, what experiences I wanted to have and then go after those.
You might find that renting a room local to work helps you build friendships and find your people or go interrailing round Europe for 6 months and never want to come home.
Bricks and motor are stability but they're also a trap if you let them be.

Take some time to think about what you actually want as you don’t seem so sure. DONT feel pressure to buy just because you’re 30.

Why not look at other investments for your savings so they aren’t just “sitting there”?

You don't need to slip into any responsibilities if you don't want to. I can empathise with being a people pleaser, but this is your life too. Not your parents or your sisters.

There's pros and cons to all situations and sometimes living together all works well and other times it doesn't. It sounds like in your case it isn't working if your parents are stifling and over protective.

I don't know about your sisters health or what her life is like but I've spent 20 years working in social care including learning disabilities and older adults. You don't need to be your sisters main carer if you don't want to. I'm guessing at the moment, your sisters care us split between your parents? Assuming you'll take this all on your own and the expense of your own wellbeing or ability to live your own life is an immense pressure on you. You really need to think about how you want your life to be and how it's shaped rather than living for other people. There's all types of accommodation and support for your sister that could actually help her reach her best potential too.

I think you really need an honest conversation with your parents. And also look at other opportunities for living out of the house such as renting, or house sharing.

@GreenTeaLikesMe Exactly. Already I feel they rely on me to do things for them especially my mother who is only early sixties but has a whole range of health issues that she refuses to get help for. I have my own chronic health issues but she is struggling to get around of late as in picking things up and bending etc. She buries her head in the sand massively and disregards all my concerns for the future.
However, with that said, other parents are not the same. Some do take responsibility for their health, respect their adult child's right to independence and don't expect to be cared for. Personally I find that selfish the idea of keeping an adult child at home to be the future carer. I'm not a parent but I would like to think I would encourage my adult child to get their own place and help financially in order for them to do that. With the cost of living I can see why a lot choose to stay at home but there needs to be a shift from adult/child relationship to all adults living together as equals.

I think it’s important for you to move out of your comfort zone right now, so to rent a flat sounds good (but sooo expensive!!?). You can visit your parents, but I suspect you will very soon like your own space. Plan what you want it to look like carefully, and make it a place that is your style that you love!

@SunQueen24 OP has said her parents are over protective and she feels stifled, so not necessarily lovely that she is still living at home.

@AtHomeForever would your sister cope in assisted living? There are many threads on here where a disabled sibling becomes too much for elderly parents to look after/or parent dies and suddenly the question arises as to who is going to look after them and it is horrendously distressing for everyone. Better to get things in place before getting to this point

It doesn't have to be all or nothing op. You can live at home and still be independent with a good social life and friends. What do you do after work? What interests you? What's your passion? I'd work on that - getting independent whilst living at home and saving and seeing what the future brings.

How old are your parents?

Don't buy shared ownership or anywhere with a gym and pool, you will pay extra for these and never use them. Would you be interested in doing some volunteer work, do you like animals, there are always opportunities to volunteer in something where you'd meet people. Have you talked with your family about when your parents get older, may need care or when they are no longer here, what plans do they have with that and the house. I wouldn't rush to move out but would concentrate on making friendship and learning to drive.

Thanks I misread the bit about driving / car.

You could run a car while living at home and broaden your horizons maybe?

I think op has said she doesn't drive but uses the bus