To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

I think you’re fine OP. So many posters on here talk about their lack of a social life as all they do is things with their husbands and children. But they talk about it because it’s a problem for them.

But it doesn’t seem to be an issue for you, and as others have mentioned, multi-generational living is common in many other parts of the world. I’ve been on my own for nearly 20 years, and while I like it, if money allowed I’d we had a big enough space, I’d move back in with my parents as well!

I know everyone is totally different but this is a bit odd to me. I get on really well with my family but couldn’t wait to move out and be independent. I never moved back to theirs after uni, lived in sharehouse, alone then with partner. What attracted me to my partner was that he was really independent and had his own place at 23 - it was a shithole but he lived alone, I was like “wow!”. If I was single and dating now I would absolutely not date someone who lived with their parents and had never moved out - I’d consider it a bit weird and indicative that they are tied to their parents, and I’d have to go round MIL’s for dinner 5 nights a week. Your comfortable life might be hampering you meeting a partner and/or new friends.

Your sister, if in UK, should be able to “afford” full time care if required. You will not need to be her carer, you can be her appointee, help with decisions, be her brother and visit her often.
Better for you all in the long run, if you start your own, independent adult life.

I would buy a property, maybe try living in it for six months or so and if it doesn’t work out then rent it out and move back home.

Also I don’t really get why people consider renting “a waste”. It’s a great learning opportunity and you’re paying for your independence and own space. We still saved a 20% deposit while renting, though our flat was £720pcm (so £360 per person). £1k+ a month for 1 bed seems very steep but do you have to live near your parents? Why not push yourself out of your comfort zone and live elsewhere (like near your office) - not being near family would force you to expand your social circle and start some hobbies.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being single and living at home. Don't think it should be looked down upon. All my acquaintances have only been able to move into their own places as they have a partner. Without them they would massively struggle and most likely still be at home.
The problems become problems if you don't have your own life outside of the home, in terms of other relationships and a life away from parents. This can be hard especially in the thirties age group where many have families of their own and not able to meet socially that much. Life as a couple is much easier but then I look at others relationships and am glad I don't live their lives.

You’ve saved enough to buy a property but the only ones you can actually buy are shared ownership?

I think you’re searching for excuses not to be independent because it’s comfortable where you are.

You need to do it though. You don’t want to be living with your parents forever. It’s not healthy for anyone.

Can you buy somewhere and stay living partially with parents? If they don't charge you rent then you could.

DS is 38 has his own flat and works hybrid - in office 2 days a week. He is also single and most of his friends have gradually moved away after getting married, having kids etc. He also says he finds it lonely living on his own and working from home a lot of the time. He comes back and stays with us a lot as can work from home here just as easily. It's not a long term solution though as one day we obviously won't be here anymore. I hope he will eventually meet someone to share his life with. In the meantime he is thinking of getting a lodger in his spare room. If you can afford a two bedroom property OP maybe a lodger might be a possible solution?

Aw OP, I totally get it. I stayed at home with my parents far longer than any of my friends did. If you think you’d be happier at home don’t leave yet, save up a bit more money maybe get a bigger place and rent out a spare room? I once rented someone’s spare room for nearly a year and we have remained great friends. I’ve never lived by myself and also don’t think I’d like it!

For the longer term future and if you want to, why not buy a house as an investment? Also a foot on the property ladder. It could be rented out, then you have an asset if you need your own property later.

As others have said though it's wise to start building your own life too, it will build your confidence no end.

Hi… please don’t feel vulnerable to post this …i personally think it makes perfect sense to continue living with your family as long as it works well for everyone, and you contribute positively and your presence is welcomed and generally perceived as a ‘blessing’ to those around you. Inter generational living is the norm in much of the world, if not most , and for a good reason. ( and is becoming increasingly popular in many western countries, Italy etc..). Don’t feel pressured to follow norms which don’t make sense in your circumstances as a whole …if the space is there for everyone to live happily and have enough healthy Independence and privacy where they need it, why move out for the spare of it (and possibly spend lots of time travelling to see family , phone etc…). I am assuming it’s working well for everyone and you are all happy , which is precious and something to embrace (otherwise you would have had less dilemma about moving out from a good place where you seem happy& content. Enjoy what you got, and try to bless each other with your presence. You will know when and if the time comes to move . Good luck!

Sounds like you should stay put - you’re contributing and settled. If your parents are happy with you staying, why move? Literally the only reasons I can think of are you want to experience living alone, your parents want you to move out or you want to work/study/be in another city.

I only left home cos my dad got evicted after a breakdown (mum had died) so I had to find me and him somewhere else. After he got evicted from there I got my own flat. I’d previously been studying in another city and had rented but still came home in the end.

I’m a parent now and if my son lived with me forever I’d be happy!

Why worry about societal norms’? Live in her you’re happy and save the money.

How would you like your life to be in 5 year's time or 10 year's time? Still single, still at home caring for old parents and disabled sister. If this scares you then move out now into a 1 bed flat and build a life for yourself. I know it's a cliché but you really do only live once.

Could you buy a place amd air bnb a room? It may be fun having people for the odd day or week and money for bills always helps. Also how about joining a gym class or hobby class toeet new people and build a social circle?

If you can afford it, buy a place, rent it out, then it's there for you +/- a logger if/wen you want it. Good idea to get on property ladder. Also, speak to your patents honestly. Ask if they are OK with you staying, and how you can insure you contribute to the household fairly, particularly if you end up getting rental income.

Is there expectation that when your parents pass on they will expect you to care for your sister? If so how are you going to handle that?

Could you buy an extended property with your parents and sister to enable multi-generational living? You may be able to get a separate entrance and living space/kitchen.

Or wait and see if a neighbouring property becomes available and buy there?

OP sorry to ask this - are you ready to decide or accept that by staying you will end up being full time carer to your sister?

If you’re happy where you are I don’t see why you should need to move out. I could see me still being at home if my dad hadn’t died and I’m in my 40’s 😀

Op, in the UK this having your own place is a thing, but in most of the rest of the world, it isnt. That includes developed countries such as Spain, Italy, Hungary. We need to remove this utterly bizzare stigma about living with parents. I being with your family, when it works and people get on well, can actually be a wonderful thing. So no, yanbu at all. Actually, you are very reasonable in not following the (economically, deliberately shaped) herd but doing some actual reflection and following your own instincts.

How do your parents feel about it. Are they hoping you'll move out and have your sister visit so they can get a rest. Would they prefer you stay so you can help them (and get some downtime)??

If everyone is happy do you need to move?

Sorry if I missed the answer.

@Mojinka do young adults in these countries not have social lives either whilst living at home?

In your circumstances I'd look at whether you and your parents could buy a bigger property with a 'granny annex' or similar so you and your sister and your parents can all have your own space whilst still living together. Or keep the money till a property comes up that's very close to your parents' house and can act as an extension/ annex.

I don't think there'd be any issue living at home if the OP actually had a social life and friends and community outside her house.

I'm a fan of multi-generation living and did it for the first few years of my child's life. The difference being is I had a child, husband, friends and great work colleagues. People need community in order to thrive and be less isolated.

People here seem caught up that the OP is somehow going to be lonely living on her own and should stay at home. However she's made it quite clear her parents are over protective and stifling, she isn't motivated to make friends, she works from home so doesn't see work colleagues and there's the expectation she'll be her sisters carer. It needs to work for everyone.

Her parents aren't going to be around forever and I can't imagine it's going to be much life being a single adult carer. It defeats the purpose of avoiding being alone if all living with her parents means she just isolates further into her nuclear family and not make connections outside of this. I don't know why anyone would actively support someone to embrace this lifestyle.