To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

Sorry you’re having such a rough time, but unfortunately you are just “expected to cope”. Have you any family or friends who can help? Many women are doing all that with zero support from ex and zero financial contribution toward nursery or otherwise. It’s shit and your best bet is to build your own village of support and know that this phase of life will not last forever.

It is hard. But you just have to cope; I did it working full time with three kids and no help from their father. Outsource anything you can and can afford to, take any offers of help, or have another child for 1/2 a day and then yours goes there for 1/2 day. ... But basically yes, you can be expected to cope, you are an adult and chose to have a child ...

Online food shop-get delivered in the evening.

Cook also do nice frozen meals which you can get delivered online.

A cleaner.

@Bellsandthistle im not saying that’s not happening but I genuinely can’t understand how anyone can manage in those circumstances. I’m barely keeping going as it is

@Flixon i didn’t expect to be on my own with her though. Which I am 95% of the time. It’s so hard.

@loulouljh thanks I will look at cook. It’s so fucking miserable just trying to manage. I hate life.

It’s pretty normal. My husband worked away and I had three. It gets easier as they get bigger.

I think people are being a bit bloody unsympathetic op. It's not a competition to see who's had it the worst, it's bloody tough.

Could you get your ex to take her for a bit longer? Just to give you a break.

And definitely get your food shop online and delivered!

It's hard but it's life with small kids. My DH works away all week and we have 3DC. It gets a little bit easier every year. You just find ways to make life easier x

Tell him. Very calmly and nicely explain to him that you need his support as you are breaking point with exhaustion working and being a single mum 24/7. Speak to him as though you assume he is a reasonable man and let him know that he doesn't understand how exhausting and trapping it is, but he really must spend more time with her and give you a proper break at least once a week or you will get really ill. Tell him it's beyond optional at this point, It is essential that he is compassionate and starts to understand the challenge of being a single, working parent day in day out. You work a job, and then you work an unpaid job. You never ever ever get to eat a meal in peace, go to the loo in peace, watch a TV show in peace. he doesn't get how hard it is but you are asking him to try to understand and be a better fellow parent.

Do you get on well enough for him to stay over at your house some weekends, while you go and sleep at a friends or cheap travelodge just to get an unbroken night's sleep?

Posts like this bring out a horrible, bitter side too me where I start to hate men for their selfish indifference to women's load. It's so convenient for them not to 'get' it.

I really feel for you, I have been there. It gets easier as they get older, you feel like it’s never ending. My XH never saw his DD. I never got a break. I was broke, living abroad, so no family around and not many friends, working 40 hours a week and managed my rent, bills and childcare until she went to school and things got a bit cheaper and I got a new job. I’ve stayed abroad now, finally bought a house. No online shopping 25 years ago, so we went together after nursery or on a Saturday. I kept my outgoings low as I could except for a cleaner that did ironing too once a week and with that I kept my sanity.

Honestly it sounds pretty normal with a 2 year old. It will get easier as she gets older (or that has been my experience anyway!)

I know it’s not as simple as this but if funds allowed it, could you not drop to 4 days a week and have a day off at home whilst DD is in nursery to relax and have a bit of time to yourself?

It seems like you have 2 options:

*reduce your hours down to 4 days a week
or

• throw money at the problem: cleaner, babysitter for some ‘me time’

However, you aren’t really spending that much time with your DC as it is. She is in nursery full time 5 days a week, XDP has her for a few hours most weekends and at 2 I would presume that she goes to bed early, so you are getting every evening to yourself.

I think people aren’t being very sympathetic because it seems like you resent being a parent altogether. Is it that, in reality, you would like to swap places with your XDP and only see DC at the weekend?

What does her dad say when you tell him you can’t cope?

That sounds really hard and I’m not surprised you are feeling that it never stops.

I can see it feels never ending at the moment (‘relentless’ is definitely how I’d describe the early years) but I promise it will get better.

Things that I found helped me (I appreciate everyone is different so sorry if none of these are any use to you)-

1. having lower standards. I stopped comparing myself to others, or to myself pre children, and ‘all fed nobody dead’ was my mantra for a time. As long as you and your child are fed and clean, and the child is cared for, that’s a win. The house doesn’t need to look like a show home, merely not like an environmental health hazard etc

2. using pockets of time. Rather than hoping for a free afternoon to get on top of the housework, I started opportunistically using the 5 minutes when the kettle boiled to wipe the baked beans off the front of all the cupboards, or the 5 minutes whilst child was engrossed with a toy to manage just a couple of pages of a book. Seriously, if I could have been as efficient pre children as I was after, who knows what I could’ve achieved?!

3. manage to fit in some exercise every day, somehow- my previous gym life, and even runs, were out, but crazy dancing with the children in the living room or running from one end of the park to the other became my new alternatives

4. take joy in the little things in life - I really missed the coffee shop catch ups with friends and the trips to interesting places, but after a period of mourning (and accepting the time would come for me to do fun things again) I started looking for little joys. I got a favourite mug to have my tea in (I eventually got a tea pot too!) and every time I used that mug I smiled. I got some nice bright plates that were just for me and likewise smiled when I had my crumpets on them. I got a nice pen so I could enjoy how the ink flowed when writing shopping lists. I noticed the pretty flowers on the walk to school. I looked at clouds when doing the washing up. Anything to help put a bit of joy into my life so i had the energy to put joy into my children’s life

5. be kind to myself/judge myself less harshly- I used to get frustrated at cooking, but then I realised eggs on toast is not a terrible meal (as long as it’s not every day). Batch cooking was also my friend.

Good luck, it will get easier and it’s ok to feel cheated that it’s not how you’d hoped

It's relentless when they're younger. How old is DD?
Outsource as much as you can. Can you get a cleaner? Get shopping delivered? Those food prep boxes.

If you can afford to drop a day at work then that would probably help. How much annual leave do you get? Assuming you don't need it to cover nursery holidays and don't want to actually go away anywhere on holiday can you take a few days annual leave to recharge and have some time to yourself. Or even book a day off every few weeks for a while?

Do you have any family support?

You’re not being unreasonable to find it hard OP. Yes lots of women are in this situation and cope but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you, right now, need more of a break. If you don’t have anyone who can take DD overnight is it possible to take the odd day or half day of annual leave so you can just chill? It’s worth it if it means you can keep going.

Also, I think 2 is prob the most demanding age in terms of always having to keep an eye on them and feeling like you never have a minute. 3 year olds can be a pain in the arse but they can also play by themselves a bit, sometimes.

I survived by not setting high standards in terms of cooking from scratch (rarely) cleaning (barely) and shopping etc all online.

What stands out to me is that after she is in bed you work more (if I understand correctly). I didn't do that, and most people don't if they have worked all day. Is that strictly necessary? If so could you change jobs?

I’m not saying it will ever be easy but once she’s at school it isn’t so bad. They gradually do more without you and there’s some
respite.

You are in the thick of it now and it will only get better.

take joy in the little things in life - I really missed the coffee shop catch ups with friends and the trips to interesting places, but after a period of mourning (and accepting the time would come for me to do fun things again) I started looking for little joys. I got a favourite mug to have my tea in (I eventually got a tea pot too!) and every time I used that mug I smiled. I got some nice bright plates that were just for me and likewise smiled when I had my crumpets on them. I got a nice pen so I could enjoy how the ink flowed when writing shopping lists. I noticed the pretty flowers on the walk to school. I looked at clouds when doing the washing up. Anything to help put a bit of joy into my life so i had the energy to put joy into my children’s life

I am possibly dead inside but even now I can't read this without irritation and when I was neck deep in toddler exhaustion I might have got stabby if someone said this to me.

Yes, can you talk to ex and ask what else he can do to help? Could be paying for a cleaner or a babysitter so you can get to go out occasionally , or staying for longer on the day he puts her to bed and babysit for the evening.

Oh give it a rest - it's not 'pretty normal' for a lot of parents and OP is clearly struggling and posts like yours are so unhelpful.

I totally get it OP and sympathise. It is exhausting having sole responsibility for a little one and working too. There are no easy answers, but there's been some good ideas from PP's and just to say that whilst it's no help now, it really does get easier with time.

Having young children is really really hard and most of us whether we are single parents, working parents, SAHM go through this stage of being completely over stimulated and exhausted.

I have 3 children and am fortunate to be a SAHM (not through choice but I have 2 children with SEND) but my DH works long hours and is often away for weeks at a time. When they were younger I would cry with exhaustion sometimes. Even know they are older 6yrs, 7yrs and 9yrs, there are weeks when I'm so exhausted I do the bare minimum to survive because I'm so drained.

Can you afford to hire a cleaner for a couple of hours a week even if they just clean bathrooms and kitchen? Make meals as simple as possible and use a slow cooker/air fryer. Can you use A/L to give yourself a few long weekends amd have friday/monday to yourself whilst DD is in Nursery?

It does get easier I promise but that doesn't help when you feel like your drowning now.

Oh you poor thing. It does sound like you need a break. Can you book off 0.5 day or a full day once a month to just have some time to yourself, even if you don't do anything?

Any family nearby who could take her for a little bit here and there?

It is relentless. You have all my sympathy.

It really does get easier. I was a single parent, no living grandparents. Ex rarely saw ds until he was 4 and this was inconsistent and then died when ds was 8.
I felt trapped and had daily suicidal ideation for about a year when ds was a toddler.
My life now is no comparison, it is really good.
You are in the worst bit, hang in there, lower your standards and believe.